Hearing music that's associated with your trauma

[Nessa7]

Are you seeing a therapist? This is the kind of thing that I will bring to mine. It is helpful to have her with me keeping an eye on things.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Are you seeing a therapist?

Yeah, she cancelled our session this week though, so I haven't had a chance to talk to her about it. I have a whole lot of things that have come up since the last session, it's overwhelming, it's like multiple sessions worth of shit at least. It feels like I keep having things building up, faster than I can begin to address them.

She cancelled it like 2 hours before, too. I'm not upset with her at all or anything, it just stirred things up for me, in that I unnecessarily was preparing myself, the whole day, to tell her something really difficult to talk about. In addition to my adult trauma, there is some childhood sexual abuse (that I've been in denial about my whole life) that happened to me, that has been coming back to me, so it's kind of like a double-whammy of difficult shit to think about. I'm kinda wishing my brain would just throw this shit at me at a more workable pace. Writing this has my heart racing.

 

[Freida]

n that I unnecessarily was preparing myself, the whole day, to tell her something really difficult to talk about.

dont you just hate that!!!! It's happened a couple times to me too. I try to convince myself that Karma says I'm not ready after all

I'm kinda wishing my brain would just throw this shit at me at a more workable pace. Writing this has my heart racing.

yep -- been here too! My stupid brain is either full on or full off -- so if you figure out how to slow it down let me know :hug::hug:

 

[Princess Pearl]

All day I kept having this song get stuck in my head. Its one my abuser played a lot, like, multiple...

My daughter and I escaped to a different country to get away from our abuser and the first time we heard our ex-house ringtone go off in a cafe, we both jumped out of our skins and I was ready to run!!! I only just managed to prevent a panic attack because, I think, my daughter was there.
I can never hear that ringtone without looking round to see if he’s there, and my heart pounds. Horrible!!

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Freida lol the worst part about it is just how it all keeps building up. I'm going to have to start bringing in notes and shit, with everything that's been coming to me. If I can't bring myself to tell her about the childhood sexual abuse, then I think I will probably just write something up and email it to her.

My stupid brain is either full on or full off -- so if you figure out how to slow it down let me know

It's kind of funny how we think that we're in control of our brains, when in reality, they are really in control of us. Hahaha.

the first time we heard our ex-house ringtone go off

This is one for me too; there are certain ringtones and sounds I have to avoid on my own phone, and if I hear them in public it instantly spikes my panic. The ringtone I had during the abuse is the default for my phone's model, so I've ran into it like twice so far. Just makes my heart start racing, I think part of it is also how I had to react when the phone went off and he was around, or when it was him calling.

 

[Freida]

I'm going to have to start bringing in notes and shit,

I do that -- partly because it's good for me to write things down to keep on track and partly because my memory sucks! LOL

The ringtone I had during the abuse is the default for my phone's model

Damn! yea - talk about things you can't escape...

 

[Lionheart]

There is an entire album/CD that was played before and after abuse so that I developed feelings about it. Thing is I actually like the music, I just don't like the associations that I have. I still listen to it and have memories, but they are usually of times after the abuse was over and I was on my way home. They are generally sad, melancholy feelings of relief, along with some disbelief at what was occurring and even some anger.

Certain songs were vocal but did not have lyrics per say and that was really strange for me because it set up an entire mood for the rest of the album. I don't feel comfortable enough to divulge any info as to what the album or band is, but at times it was really soothing and I think that was part of the idea...to ease me back into reality (I was being drugged during some of the abuse events).

Funny thing is the non-lyrical vocals actually expressed some rage and anguish that I was feeling at the time so that I had a sort of outlet for it, if that makes any sense. I don't avoid the music but I remain aware of it associations to past abuse events.

Sometimes I wish the music sucked as bad as the abuse so that it would all fit into a neat little box, but that's not how it is. The music was good, emotionally moving,and perhaps even a bit psychedelic. It was probably hand-picked for that reason, not to mention it was popular at the time.

Because I enjoy it, I also try to claim the music as my own, apart from abuse associations with mixed results. It is definitely difficult to separate the two. ​

 

[katz]

All day I kept having this song get stuck in my head. Its one my abuser played a lot, like, multiple...

I used music for "coping" all thru my childhood and teenage years. So, I have lots and lots of songs that bring back memories of growing up. I have lots of memories of just sitting in my room in tears listening to them. I think that they were the only way for me to feel anything, even sadness.

Sometimes there are ones that I don't want to listen to ever again. And there are some that can stay in my head for days. I have also tried listening to them, to make them go away. Sometimes it works. I often wake up with a song on my mind, so I must have dreamed something that reminded me of a past incident.

Any song from a specific album that was popular by my favorite band in high school can send me in a spi...

I have a few songs like that also. The worst one is a song that is often played in stores and by multiple artists. I can remember all the words and feel it's affects. I had to learn all the words back in elementary school, for chorus. It will always bring tears to my eyes.