The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Yeah the diagnosis stuff. It's funny. Such controversy over c-ptsd versus no, no such thing as c-ptsd. I guess I'm gonna quote Bob Marley lyrics here, which will unimpress a whole lot of people. First of all "who feels it, knows it" and second "if the cap fits, let them wear it".

So, thoroughly unsubstantiated and non clinical. God, if clinicians were God's I'd most likely be dead by now.

Diagnosis are only as good as the people ministering them, and treating; and those receiving them, need to have their heads on enough to do the right thing with them.

I don't sit well with borderline personality disorder as a diagnosis. It just doesn't fit, but apparently, when I presented to that particular psychiatrist for the half an hour that I saw her, it was enough for her to diagnose me with it.

Watch how I was shunned when.I presented to ED after escaping the 21 year relationship with a narcy type (no I can't officially say he has narcassistic personality disorder, nor can I diagnose him with anti social personality disorder or addictive personality disorder because I'm not qualified to, but I do have an IQ of 145 and am very well read individual with an extraordinary wealth of life experience and have chin wagged with enough qualified clinicians to feel pretty confident in my sense of analyzing data and assigning criteria patterns of behaviour to those I know very well.

To me, psychiatry is still a baby science. I don't trust many clinicians in the slightest.

I do, however, identify with the rough collection of descriptive criteria that is the suggested clinical category of c-ptsd.

I identify with every word in Pete Walkers book " Complex PTSD, From surviving to thriving" so much so, that I have to take it easy reading it, as it resonates, so much, that heavy grief and a sense of familiarity tears at the edges of me and has me undone in an instant.

 

[Swift]

just doesn't fit, but apparently, when I presented to that particular psychiatrist for

Yep. They tried to diagnose me with that, too. I know people who have it, but I just don't.
(Eventually they were like, you're right, you don't have it.)
It's a fairly standard diagnosis for women with backgrounds of abuse, I think.
I've heard it referred to as the 'kiss of death'', because everybody just writes the sufferers of it off as "being borderline", instead of actually treating them, which is some bullshit.
What is the point of diagnosing people with a disorder and then not treating them, because the label you've slapped on them says "don't treat me?"

And then it obfusticates the actual issue!
Like, this person has trauma, so let's diagnose them with BPD and then not treat the trauma! Great idea!

C-PTSD is somewhat nebulous. But at least the profession seems to agree it exists.
Blargh diagnoses.

 

[ninja]

I think the psychiatry community may not know what to do with individuals whose high sensitivity (I mean this as in heightened awareness and possibly heightened responses to stimuli) complicates a diagnosis. Heightened awareness of patterns and the ability to pick up on subtleties is certainly accepted as a facet of intelligence. I’m just not sure ‘they’ understand the carry over into the emotional realm for some. By consequence the clinicians may instead end up trying to pathologize what is ‘normal’ for the individual. This is unfortunate particularly because I think the heightened sensitivity can ultimately be a huge strength.. but perhaps needs support and understanding. The emotional perceptivity may impact the response to trauma and that needs to be understood, so that the individual can be helped to find their own version of health.

I have this issue because I think especially for mental health, the individual should be treated as an individual with his/her own barometer of ‘normal’ and healthy. To me this means the clinician needs to take the time to understand the client, and work with the client to understand their ‘normal’.

I’m sorry that you both were misdiagnosed with something that absolutely does not fit.
:hug::hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

To me, psychiatry is still a baby science

Exactly. I've never seen so much incompetence in my life in a medical field to be honest.

I too was diagnosed with BPD twice actually. I really don't identify myself with it.

Like, this person has trauma, so let's diagnose them with BPD and then not treat the trauma! Great idea!

This is what my pdoc said when my T diagnosed me with it. She refused to acknowledge that dx in me. She even have an explanation to clinical signs and symptoms and comparison to my personality traits.

 

[mumstheword]

Yeah, my psychologist at the uni, who I've known for close to 10 years told me "you're the opposite of someone with bpd" She likes me. Most of my T's these days don't seem to mind at all if we go over time. I get the feeling I'm an "easy" "enjoyable" client. We had that conversation about me versus the "typical" bpd type person, she enjoys talking to me; the classic bpd person, she doesn't.

So I think there is merit to the c-ptsd diagnosis, for those of us who fit that diagnosis and yet are often mistaken for people with bpd.
The only people (that I can see) that will really be invested in this distinction, are those, like us, who are done a great disservice in being diagnosed with bpd, and those who know the truth and who care about people like us.

As for the "highly" or "acutely" sensitive thing, yes and no, I've had horrible shit done to me that "snowflake" types, likely wouldn't survive or wouldn't survive with their sanity intact, like myself. Actually I've had to work hard to get this much sanity so maybe there's more merit to the "highly sensitive" adjective, plus I'm a poet, muso, artsy intellectual type, so I suppose that's "sensitive" kinda stuff. Anyway I didn't turn into an abusive f*cker, although I've certainly done some shitty, crazy stuff when I've been really, really unwell.

Most of it just regurgitating shit that's been done to me, but then most abusers could say the same thing. I guess I pulled up quickly and felt huge remorse when I've lost control. And I have been accused of being much more terrible than I actually was, which was easy to do when you believe that you are terribly and inherently flawed, or when you believe that all you have to do to win someone over, is try much harder to be "good" and surely, one day, they will love you and treat you kindly.

Well that doesn't work with narcissistic types, other than they keep pushing you, taunting and gaslighting so that you never cotton on to the reality that they are the ones making and keeping and sending you crazy and crazier.

Mine was so covert. So able to gauge an already broken and ravaged psyche, of one so young. He boasted to me once, how he had wanted a homeless youth for a girlfriend. A young one that he could mold. That he could "rescue". Yes, he felt like a big hero, getting a newly 17 year old, homeless girl pregnant. He "rescued" me.
What was I to do? Risk losing my child to the state? How could the state be entrusted with my precious baby boy?
Yes, he had me snared at first pregnancy. A 34 year old man. An itinerant, parasitic musician, a glib, conceited drug dealer and user. An ex con. An unscrupulous pathological liar devoid of any real depth or conscience.
I denied and lied to myself for years, minimizing myself, my worth, my experience and believing the "you're crazy and you don't matter, or have inherent worth or consequence" paradigm fed to me. Bleegghhh.:wtf::dpressed::coffee::eek::poop:

 

[mumstheword]

Of course, I feel like dirt for saying things like that about the father of my children. Guilty by association. So yeah, I feel like a bit of filth. I don't associate with my siblings, because I am too filled with shame.
I am too full of the demoralizing shame that having had this kind of life leads to.
Bipolar type symptoms? Yes I was convinced I must've had bipolar but the Victims Services appointed counsellor said it was common for someone who's been subject to the abuse I had, to be exhibiting those kinds of symptoms.
Psychosis? Yep. Been there. Didn't get any treatment though. Except for his illegal drug remedies and a B12 shot in my bum. I got through that by realizing that I wasn't my thoughts. I ignored the voices and sang a lot when they were torturing me. I prayed a lot, did a lot of prayer/ invocation. Yeah, was pretty much a "religious" crazy type, also "shamanic" and new age. I got a frightening thought of being "God" at one stage, but abandoned it because the sense of responsibility was terrifying. Suffered A LOT of terrible, crippling paranoia, that "He" (my ex) got to control me for a long time, by taking advantage of.
I didn't get diagnosed when I was psychotic, he kept me away from the mental health system, even when I begged him to have me admitted. He kept me up all night screaming at me or screaming at me for hours that "you're crazy".
So gaslighting, yeah.

I had children to feed so I had to try to function and I did function, for the most part. I overfunctioned, was very manipulatable, has no choice but to fake as ok as I could because I love my kids.

I was a manic "rescuer" though, way excessively compassionate toward people who couldn't possibly reciprocate. I had this "ethos" that everyone needed to be treated kindly because you just never know how low they are and if you don't treat them with kindness, you might tip them over into suicide. Crazy rescuer. Oh well. There's worse crazy I guess. My poor kids though. They've been through a lot.

 

[ILoveLife]

You too? There are lots of Gods here :) I suppose with that many people telling us we're shit we had to believe in being bigger than life itself.

You've been through so much! I'm proud of you for facing all these demons.

I had a shamanic and new age phase too.. Almost joined a cult. Left screaming that they were trying to steal my soul. Eyeroll.. ;)

 

[mumstheword]

You too? There are lots of Gods here :) I suppose with that many people telling us we're shit we had to b...

I had a "Guru" for a bit, he ended up being an evil cult-leading False Messiah, but I had a dream, before I found that out, that made me stop worshipping him.

 

[mumstheword]

Yeah, my psychologist at the uni, who I've known for close to 10 years told me "you're the opposite...

We lived on the road after my baby was born in a shed, a rough but converted shed. No power, up a very rough bush shack. He left me alone in a dark shed with no lighter the week my mum left, which was the week after he was born.. Went to go "jamming" , had warned me already that "I wasn't to come between him and his music". I readily agreed, I was too frightened of rapists by then.

I wasn't even in the same state when I found out I was pregnant. I wish I had had other options. I wish I hadn't thought there were no other options. My ex was never warm. Isn't a warm person. He left me in the bush, on my own, with a very ill baby, for 3 weeks.
I tried to leave him after that, went to far north queensland, slept in the beach with my baby, lucky no crocodiles ate us.
Went to a squat in cairns, a crazy man brought a burning log up to burn the house down. Ran down to another squat, a crazy lady was throwing glasses all around the house. I had an 8 month old baby. I went back to his Dad. I didn't know about anyone who would help me.
There was no love, no affection, but I got to sing in his band.
I kept having babies. I was not well. I had to fake as ok as I possibly could.
I was very unhappy and frightened. I was very mentally unwell. I hung on by a thread.

 

[Swift]

There are only four words and those are..
What the actual f*ck.

had wanted a homeless youth for a girlfriend. A young one that he could mold

Basically - I want someone utterly dependent on me. I'm going to find the most vulnerable person I can and make them under my control. Then, I'm going to get them pregnant so I can further control them.

had children to feed so I had to try to function and I did function,

And that's why you did what you did!
You cared about your kids.
You stayed alive to help them.

Whoa I really hate your ex.
What a bastard. How dare he.

 

[mumstheword]

There are only four words and those are..
What the actual f*ck.


Basically - I want someone utterly de...

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

I'm feeling peaceful about it now, because I survived. I just really want to ring my first born and touch base with him.
I just told my (beautiful and very caring new guy (8 years new) about how I was an itinerant mum for lots of years. We lived on the road for the first four babies. They were born when I was between the age of 17 and 22.

My younger children are nearly 20, 17 and 12.5. I wouldn't have my beautiful babies if I hadn't gotten trapped with him. They are awesome human beings and they were (are) love and reason and meaning and purpose and the most precious and divine creations that I was utterly blessed to have a reason to live for.

They saved my life. I cant, I truly cant, find words to describe how much they mean to me and how they are my incentive for being the best possible me that I can become.

Tears well at the thought. I love you J and N and T and J and Z and E and T. I love you so much!

 

[ninja]

@mumstheword to clarify, when I used the phrase heightened sensitivity I was not referring to the highly sensitive literature, and I most certainly was not making a statement about your strength nor the ‘snowflake’ thing. I meant it as I said it: someone who has heightened awareness (perceptivity) to stimuli + the ability to draw out patterns from the perceived data. For instance, the perception in the moment that one’s life could be going in a different direction and the ability to imagine that... that is sensitivity towards stimuli from the imagination, and tends to be useful when writing,creating. The awareness of pain in someone else, and sense of moral vs. immoral is within the realm of sensitivity to emotional stimuli. The excitement and ability to make connections between concepts and the need to analyze, understand the ‘why’ is sensitivity to intellectual stimuli. And there is sensitivity to sensual stimul, and sensitivity to physical stimuli. Heightened sensitivity is not equivalently saying you have less strength,courage,empowerment,arse-kicking fierceness. No. You can be both, and some (IMO) hugely courageous people are both. (Victor Frankl comes to mind. I use him because he is recognizable. I am not suggesting to have both you must be well-known.)

hugs if welcome, and I am not intending to try to convince you of anything... just wanting to clarify. Because there is no way you aren’t courageous and strong.