Relationship Am i even in the right thread?! i just need help!!

[Veevivianvee]

Read the PTSD stress cup explanation. It seems like you're adding more stress in his life. That isn't...

Thanks for the reply ..also thank you for the stress cup example
This post will be long
...I feel maybe i should be a bit more clear here ..i did not want to spend time with him on memorial day just time when he got back....that was his idea ..i didnt make any of the plans i mentioned..he did. Which i now find annoying. Of course i was excited about them , but that's as far as my involvement goes in making plans. I didn't even realize it was memorial day. I have literally based all our hangouts and what we do around him so it's more convenient as my schedule is a bit more flex .... hanging out with his friends was never an issue .. infact the issue with his friends is he tries to stress to me that they dont like me.. which isnt my fault. so i have made it clear, that i dont care how his friends feel about me..yes i get that they are important ..but im not about to start kissing ass for people to like me . Ive never once disrespected his friends ...i haven't even done anything for them to dislike me other than enter someones life and spend time with him..i dont feel as if i should feel bad about that. This all sounds really harsh but im not about to do back flips for people who dont show a high level of interest in me to begin with.
At the beginning of our relationship i was interested and definitely wanted to get on his friends good sides but some of them there's just no pleasing.
For example!
I went home with him once during my birthday week ...i didnt feel well as i had lady issues and kept having back to back seizure episodes so i was hesitant. However he insisted he wanted to spend my birthday with me and do something nice. On the long drive home he proceeded to tell me that his roommate was having company, friends who were moving out of town . Had I known this i would have definitely stayed home, and i think he knows that too. During my time there i stayed in his room i only came out to use the restroom ... eventually the roommate invited more people over to have a going away party for the friends .This whole get together all lasted 4 days. During this time i had multiple seizures including one where i fell and hit my head (i was unaware of this but he let me know) at this point im definitely not interested in hanging out with anyone my speech is was all jacked up,as i have a full stutter when i have seizures. i also need help walking. Once i felt a little better i asked if he wanted me to come down stairs with him and he said no. He then came back an hr later and asked if i wanted to hang out with the military wives , during the time he was gone i had another seizure and i said no. Firstly with my medical issue i dont like making other people uncomfortable and I felt like i would ruin their time together , not only that but the first thing people do is dial 911 when i do have seizures ...why the hell would i put people idk through that? Great first impression.. so everyone partied and i just stayed upstairs in the room.The next day his roommate knocks on the guest room door where his friends are staying and ask them to go to breakfast bf wasn't invited which i thought was kind of jacked up ..so he just tagged along and they all went to breakfast ( no i did not mention it being jacked up it was just my personal thought process) while they were gone i made effort to get dressed fix myself up and go introduce myself.They seemed fairly nice and i talked with his wife for a while..she mentioned some things i coule relate to so i really appreciated the conversation.but after a while my bf and the friends wife started talking about back in the day and how the all met soo i just stayed quiet and listened. God im sorry this is so long!!! Anyways fast forward to my birthday and he's upset with me i didnt make an effort to hang out with his friends even though i had all that going on, he has held it against me! ...so being blamed after all of that i just lost interest ..i dont know if he even explained the situation to his friends properly but i assume not because the two people i talked to thought i had a cold.... I would have come down stairs if it were just a cold..my bf then told me his friends felt i didnt have his back because i didnt meet them...which is far from truth but since then his roommate doesn't give me the time of day.

 

[Veevivianvee]

I think it would be a good idea to work on accepting the last minute cancellations. Its kind of j...

How did you learn to accept things such last minute cancellation ?

 

[EveHarrington]

How did you learn to accept things

It’s not easy!

Remind yourself that it’s not personal, that it’s their disorder.

Focus on yourself and have alternative plans if a cancellation does happen.

Of course there’s a difference between being a jerk and being symptomatic. This is what you’ll have to figure out for yourself as jerks do get ptsd!

Sorry if I’m not being clear. I just hope that you can recognize when it’s a symptom flare and be ok with it, but not accept jerkish behavior from someone who blows you off for no good reason at the same time.

 

[Veevivianvee]

It’s not easy!

Remind yourself that it’s not personal, that it’s their disorder.

Focus o...

I hope it's not jerkish behavior! I've never known him to be a jerk... stubborn at most but we've only been together six months now so i hope it hasnt turned into that kind of behavior. However when i think about it now its definitely hard to tell if its him or ptsd ...as i am still trying to get to know him

 

[Sighs]

6 months is still the honeymoon phase. Memorial Day is probably the first glimpse you've had into the hell that is PTSD. Its ok to decide you don't want a relationship where you are never going to be his top priority. (To clarify - his top priority is surviving because that's how it feels when you have PTSD.)

 

[anon1234]

What these guys are saying is true. Veterans Day was a MASSIVE bump as has been Memorial Day.

I have accepted that around these times I get shut out for about 6 weeks. We have talked about it. It’s predictable.

Hasn’t been easy for a newish relationship. But I have learned to handle it better this time. Of course I still have my moments where I panic about what is happening. But overall, you must get into the mindset that it isn’t you (as long as you don’t add to the stress cup by over texting). In some PTSD relationships, the whole “he’s just not that into you” mantra doesn’t apply.

 

[Veevivianvee]

What these guys are saying is true. Veterans Day was a MASSIVE bump as has been Memorial Day.

I have...

6 weeks??? 6 freaking weeks ? Gosh i need to research more because i just don't understand ....how do you deal? And whats it like when they come back ?

 

[Veevivianvee]

6 months is still the honeymoon phase. Memorial Day is probably the first glimpse you've had into the he...

I feel like my biggest issue in this relationship is lack of communication ...he was trying for a while and it was great and i really appreciated it..but idk..... i keep thinking about it and it's hard for me to decide.....i know he wouldn't leave because of my issues so that makes it much harder

 

[anon1234]

I didn’t deal the first time because I didn’t understand it. Now I do. I handle it because PTSD is not the man - the man I know is a kind, loving and wonderful human being. He’s worth it for me. He can’t help this. I keep busy looking after myself - working out, seeing friends. Yes it’s frustrating. Yes it hurts. Can he help it? Absolutely not. Does he talk about it and wish he could stop it? Yes. It’s terrible seeing someone you love go through it but I won’t leave him because of PTSD. That’s just my relationship though and it isn’t for everyone.

6 weeks is pretty normal if you read some of the posts on the forum. Only you are going to be able to say if you are comfortable with that.

 

[Sighs]

Not leaving someone because of their issues is one thing. Accepting that your "partner" will be absent from your life for weeks or months at a time is another level. Some people are ok with it. Others are not. And that's ok.

The point I would make to you is that you need to understand that this will happen regardless of your needs during that time. In fact, the more needy you are the more likely his stress cup will overflow and he will bail. And don't think - oh, I'll just hide my needs. That's not healthy and its not sustainable. I had to have major surgery in January and my mum had to come and look after me because my veteran just couldn't cope with it. That sucks considering I had nursed him through a number of injuries and minor surgeries. Sigh!

 

[anon1234]

Some people are ok with it. Others are not. And that's ok.

Yes, I agree, if you are not comfortable with it, that is completely OK. Like I said, it’s not for everyone.

 

[Friday]

How did you learn to accept things such last minute cancellation ?

The same way you accept that having a seizure changes plans for the day. It’s just how it is. So you deal with it.

6 weeks??? 6 freaking weeks ? Gosh i need to research more because i just don't understand ....how do you deal...

The same way military spouses deal with bein out to sea for 6mo, or deployed unaccompanied for over a year.

Not everyone can, much less wants to, do either.

Dating past the honeymoon stage is really looking at whether or not your lives fit together / could work together.

There’s durn good reason why most relationships end right after the honeymoon stage.