Dom Violence -updated- verbal/emotional abuses in dv shelter, i think i'm worse than before

[Happyplace76]

I'm in the shelter. It's a very nice shelter. I came in here, me, well what's left lol - kind, respectful, caring but there are two women - one has a mental illness I suspect could be schizophrenia and the other is just down right verbally and emotionally abusive.

She's called another woman and I "dumb bitches" - one lady who is sweet as can be was sleeping in the living room just to get away from her. She lied and told the one lady with the mental illness (who calls it her "tourettes") that another woman and I were making fun of it - which all I can say is 100% false on my behalf.

One I have a son with some slight disabilities, and have been advocating for him for what, 5 years?? Umm I've worked with people with disabilities - it's actually one of my passions - the elderly and disabled. I would never make fun of someone if they had a mental illness or disability. I talked to this woman, would share cigarettes with her! The abusive one - same thing.

So this abusive woman has had issues with more than a few people here.

Yesterday she got into my face - well verbally - least it was in front of the RA - didn't talk to her before, look at her, just making lunch/dinner for my son who would finally eat a bigger meal.

Long story short, they are taking it seriously, but I am on edge.

I feel like I'm living with my abusive mom again, calling me a dumb bitch was exactly what my abuser yelled at me when I confronted him with leaving just a few months ago. And the thing is, is I'm a NICE person. And I just keep getting bullied and ran over by people and especially women.

This isn't a pity party, I'm getting PISSED because I'm sick of women/people like this. Abusers, bullies.... We're HERE because of them and I just want to escape this but I have no where to go. I just want my life back. Extremely triggered - my therapist had mentioned last Saturday this could be triggering, but none of this happened of course until after I saw her.

I am trying to spend as much time out of here as possible, but there's only so much time I can spend at my friend's house, things that don't take money.

Anyone else experience bullying or abuse in a dv shelter? How did you handle it? Mentally? Proactively? I'm not a fighter (some of these women talk about kicking ass all the time - not the environment I grew up in, so I'm not good at cussing someone out plus it could get us kicked out.

I accept that for some reason this woman has an issue with me, even if it is imaginary, but it doesn't make this any less agonizing. I'm staying away from her - have for days, don't talk to her, even look at her.

RA's said that trauma can cause people to be aggressive but that it still wasn't an excuse and that it would be handled. But now I feel like some of the staff have been distant with me - and I don't get it? Maybe it's just my perception?

But I feel like I did in my mother's house. Like a bad girl who doesn't understand what she did, just waiting until she turned 18. I'm feeling this way ALL over again :cry:

 

[EveHarrington]

Did you report her for calling you a dumb bitch? If you stay silent, all they have to go by is this woman's word against you, and you will lose in the end. I hope you can stand up for yourself, otherwise you'll end up with nowhere to stay.

 

[Happyplace76]

Did you report her for calling you a dumb bitch? If you stay silent, all they have to go by is t...

Yes many of the workers knew. The case manager said that it wouldn't be tolerated yesterday but today during our meeting it's been minimized too. I do think that will stop, but not the under the breath comments, passive aggressive b.s., humiliation etc... which is what at least this woman has resorted to. Found my bag of laundry on the step stair thing next to a mousetrap this morning. Couldn't find my shower poofs today so wrote it on the board - came home from my friend's place of retreat to find my son's robe oddly on the floor and the poof just sitting there. I asked RA if anyone had been in my room, or needed to be while we were gone and she said no. It's the most ridiculous b.s almost like more mind f*ckery than my abuser! And I swear I'm not making this stuff up. WTF??? This IS literally feeling like either my childhood or the time with my abuser/psychopath. I feel like I'm in it all over again. Is waiting until next month and getting a small U-Haul and moving down to cinci with my old friends for the time being a good decision at this point? This feels like torture here. Trying not to be dramatic but honestly, some times it does.

 

[shimmerz]

And I swear I'm not making this stuff up. WTF???

Agreed. I was in a shelter for 5 months last summer. I am in Canada though. Staff were super dismissive, a lot of them were on power trips and we were targets to that, and the whole organization didn't seem to understand that those of us in there actually needed help finding housing.

I feel your pain. Just keep reminding yourself that this is not, never was, never will be, how you deserve to be treated. Because it is true.

 

[Happyplace76]

Agreed. I was in a shelter for 5 months last summer. I am in Canada though. Staff were super dismis...

Thank you @shimmerz - it's insanity! Why do I, of all hot messes, feel like one of the saner ones here? Just trying to get out as much as possible. Trying not to overburden my friend with our presence.

 

[shimmerz]

Honestly, so many of these women have been through so much. What it helped me to understand while I was there
1. Gratitude that I hadn't gone completely 'dark' like many of the women had gone.
2. That other people had huge problems too. Like - larger than mine in some ways.
3. That the system is basically corrupt from start to finish.
4. That I was not the sole cause of everyone's bad moods. That was huge for me.

Are they helping you to find a new place to live at all? Are there programs/supports there that you can tap into while you are there? I am no longer in the shelter but their supports from different agencies have really helped to ground me now that I am reintegrating back into community again.

 

[blackemerald1]

Totally agree with @shimmerz !

I've lived in some very strange places whilst being 'transient'. One of them was a hostel where there were females and males with some fairly serious mental health and substance issues. It felt horrible not knowing what might be going to happen next - on a day to day basis.

One of the occupants routinely tried to sabotage almost anything I did. One night I was returning from being away all day (to avoid being there) it was dark and raining and the outside security light was switched on till 11pm each night. There was an extremely steep pathway with about thirty steps to get to the front door. I was making my way up the steps when I saw him watching me from a balcony. Nothing special about that...he routinely 'watched' me.

Suddenly I was in total darkness in the middle of the steps. I panicked. I could not see. I lost my balance and fell backwards about 3 metres. Of course I was injured etc., but long story cut short..he turned off the light.

There were lots of other things the occupants did and I would not have been great in terms of my own mental health either (by a long shot). But it was all that I had at the time and I had to hang on to it until I could find something better. So I think I can understand how you are feeling and thinking right now.

I feel like I'm living with my abusive mom again, calling me a dumb bitch was exactly what my abuser yelled at me

So not that you need to be reminded of this but I will anyway. You are not a child who is controlled by an abusive mother.....anymore.
You are not a dumb bitch and being yelled at by your ex., anymore.

You actually are very strong and left both of those abusers. If you can do that - you can cope with other occupants in the facility who are not doing so well. Yes it it challenging..and the sooner you can get better accommodation, the better.

Happy you have had a lot to deal with in the last couple of weeks so I would be hesitant about throwing stuff into a U-Haul and moving away right now. I moved over 30 times in the space of a few years...not including couch surfing (as they call it these days) and living in my car.

I got to the point where almost anything would trigger me to move on. But in the end I realised I had to stay in one place to get any help, to stabilise, to stop running and basically tolerate things being far from ideal until I could improve my quality of life and not just for me for my teenage sons as well.

In the end it is up to you if you move on.(Of course) You need to balance the pros and cons from a different view. Determine what is going to be best for you and your son. If staying has benefits for your son and you...a bit further down the track then make the best of where you are now.

If it doesn't - is there another DV facility that you could transfer to? Personally I would be looking for a place where there were mothers and children. Not just women. Is there that type of accommodation in the area you reside?

Leaving a DV shelter which might be nice but has problems and going to a friends house...might be much more destablising than you anticipate.

While you are in the system...get the system working for you. When you are out of the system and staying with a friend - can the system still help you? Idk your system. But if it is anything like ours...staying within the system (in the short term) generally is better than trying to access services from outside of it. I don't know if that makes any sense. I hope so.

While you are at your friends house during the day are you looking at every available angle to get into better accommodation? Some kind of childcare and employment? Have you worked out a budget/finances...to reach other goals?

Do you have a list of short term goals that help you get your independence back?

Is someone helping you with those real world practical issues. Do you have a Case Manager...?

Stay strong Happy. :hug:

 

[Happyplace76]

Honestly, so many of these women have been through so much. What it helped me to understand while I w...

@shimmerz thank you, and yes, I am realizing how much some of the women have gone through... I agree with you and thanks for sharing with what worked for you. I think the help with finding a place to live comes after the job - they have it so that the first week, it's all about settling in, healing etc... which has been hard to do with this woman who does all the bullying. A friend recommended earplugs, I'm going to talk to my friend in Cinci - it's still very much on my mind and having lived there for three years before would be a good fresh start WITH support from friends. I know what the options pretty much are here and losing my section 8 is going to make it very difficult finding something here. Once I get more settled I do plan on suing the driver, the complex for the retaliatory eviction, and metro housing's failure to act on this in February when I first brought it to their attention that I had lost my job - due to my son's accident.

 

[Happyplace76]

Totally agree with @shimmerz !

I've lived in some very strange places whilst b...

@blackemerald1 I read your reply and thank you! I read it and have a few responses - but mostly that I've struggled AND been able to access the system up here for 9 years. It's gotten worse, not better - especially after Jan-present of this year. We were at our last place 5 years, and this last one since September. I have literally nothing up here other than my son's school. Down there I'd have friends who were like family, want me to come down, actual logistical help so it would just be moving away - I hear what you're saying with that being destabilizing but I'm in a pretty desperate situation as it is and either way I'm experiencing mental and verbal abuse here almost on a daily basis from this woman. That's the most destabilizing and is seriously doing more harm than good. I'm not going to pick up and move at the drop of the hat - I'd still have to save up the money for the truck since where I'd move to is 4 hours away - its where we lived for 3 years until the us economy crash in 08/09. I think given everything I've been through up here - hell - a fresh start in an area I know with friends who actually care about me is better than our current situation. I am going to have issues up here with housing - the eviction - as illegal as it was also ended my housing assistance and so so much of the assistance through will go through the exact housing agency that is ending my section 8 - trust me I'm not the only one who had this kind of thing happen - Metro turns a blind eye to a lot of what the landlords do because they can't get anyone to take the vouchers.

 

[Sha]

I'm in the shelter. It's a very nice shelter. I came in here, me, well what's left lol - kind, r...

There is a saying that hurt people,hurt people.most people try to act tough because they are scared inside.maybe a one on one approach would work better.let her know that u are in the same boat as her.ask her if she is OK.offer an ear.you are all going through loss of all kinds.remember that the tough act is really her own fear of change.if u can't do this,then just pray for her,even if your upset with her.good luck dear.

 

[mumstheword]

@blackemerald1 I read your reply and thank you! I read it and have a few respons...

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, on top of everything else.
I hope it eases up and you get more back up to deal with it.

 

[Friday]

You expected people in a domestic violence shelter to be emotionally stable?

You’re not stable. They’re not stable. Any kids there are definitely not stable.

Most of the people there are going to be in near constant states of fight / flight / fawn & are going to be overreacting to everything that happens. Of course, some of the women there despise you, the same way you hate them, because you remind each other of your abusers. Victims are easy targets to hate. So you hate each other, because it’s safe to be mad at some disgusting victim, instead of your exes.

DV shelters are toxic waste dumps, because everyone is bringing all the garbage from their abusive relationships in with them... and everything that was normalized inside of your abusive relationship now has a light shining on it.

All the lying, manipulating, stealing/hoarding, lashing out, peacekeeping, making nice, flinching, expecting the worst? Everything people did to survive... hasn’t had any space to no longer be knee jerk reactions to any kind of perceived threat. You’re still doing what you did to be strong, and so are they. Making each other miserable, just by being yourselves, and triggering the f*ck out of each other.

Add into that all the grief, rage, depression, fear, that comes from attempting to end an abusove relationship?

Seriously... toxic waste dump of hot mess trauma victims. People who think high school was brutal have never been around a group of women who’ve spent the past several years being beaten and raped.