We talked it was a difficult conversation.
He says the relationship was stressful .he put all of the problems on the relationship...
Which lead me to question somethings
......i just cant bring myself to believe that.not that every relationship doesnt have its ups and downs and we did we had ups and downs but before the fight we had we both agreed it was more ups than downs. I can count the downs on my fingers .
I ended a conversation the one about his battle buddy because it was going no where . So i used the words " im done here" he took those words as im done with you. Which if i were i would have flat out said that.i then went on to ask him what time he wanted to be picked up flight information and everything else even sent heart emojs after all of that telling him I couldn't wait to see him. And this freaking man omg !! still thought i broke up with him right in that moment.
After him ignoring me for what seemed like ever he drove down and we talked on Tuesday...it was awkward. We got no where the first half of the conversation. I tried to breathe and not freak out but i kind of lost it and started crying . I let him know how i felt, he says he doesn't want to hurt me and that he just wants me to be happy. I asked him if he still wants to be together ..he said "yes, i do, but it will kill me " that literally broke my heart not for me but for us and the fact I thought we were good for each other ... He then went on to say again but i do want to be with you..but what do you want ? I told him i want to be with him to but i dont want to cause him stress. He cried the whole time but sometimes i feel like thats just out of frustration. He hugged me and told me he loved me which at that moment was great .we texted and everything felt dry and empty . He's always texting me when he gets a chance , doesnt tell me good morning like he used to. I asked him to hang out he said he would love to but he's strapped for cash. I said the money isnt an issue as i have money and just want to spend time with you . He said ok sounds good if you want to!
I asked him if there was anything he wanted to do in particular since he mentioned money no response. I texted him 10 am today good morning and blew him a kiss
He thanked me for the freaking kiss emoji which he has never done " good morning thanks" i got this emoji bullshit from him i didnt even use emojis to communicate like that. So i asked if we were still on for today? And He replied saying " unfortunately i dont think i can today im not feeling well and i have to do stuff for the va apt i have tom that got switched... Im really sorry " god this sounded like an excuse especially after the excuse he gave me last night
And he wonders why im here thinking he's cheating on me . He had said before all of this that he would never cheat because he knows what it feels like. Cheating is a painful insecurity for me . Im trying not to think that way......i texted him and told him There's this part of me that knows things are never going to be the same. I feel that i might be forcing things between us , telling myself if we just spend time together I'll no longer feel that way..but im wrong.. I dont even feel trust between us. and more and more i feel like you stayed with me out of guilt.
No response
I wish my brain can just come to terms with what's happening but it just doesn't seem like i can before i sent that text i called to see if he was ok as he said he wasnt feeling well. No answer so i then sent that text .
Needless to say im being ignored again
