Hellish birtdayparty

[lovak]

So my anxiety gets way worse when Im around people I dont consider family/good friends.
Tonight my sister in law had a birthday/gender reveal party. She's very understanding of my situation and told me not to feel obligated to anything.

I went to the party with about 15 people I don't know well at all. So my anxiety kicked in big time and I just wanted to leave... i was counting the minutes and told myself after 1.5 hours I could leave. 5 minutes before that I walked over to my husband and told him I wanted to leave soon. He was watching the WC football. He told me ok, so I went back to the table I had decided was my spot for the evening.
He never got up or anything. He has a thing where he always wants to be the last to leave a party, and he doesnt consider how I feel.
Previous times I kept asking him to come home with me and he just kept saying 'couple more minutes'
So I didnt go over and ask him again, because thats admitting that I have anxiety, naming it makes it harder to push down.
After 30 minutes I walked up to him again, he was extremely annoid.
We had a fight in the car. He didnt want to have to adjust.... I told him he made me feel like it was more important to him to watch the game, that he didnt care I was panicking.
Well we didnt get anywhere with that fight. I always start up the conversation again after a fight I just dont have the energy for it right now.
I know it isnt easy for him either.... i know thay and I feel guilty about it as it is. But he said some things that really hurt me. I dont really know whay to do now, except I dont want to be the first (or only) to apologize again. Ill just let him come to me. I dont know how to do this, Im hurt by what he said but Im also hurting when we arent happy together.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m all through pushing through symptoms when you can, but if your husband doesn’t give a damn about your struggles, divorce him. Life is too short to be chained to someone who doesn’t care.

 

[Fadeaway]

And what if he doesnt come to you? You have nothing to appologise for. Perhaps next time you could say that you dont feel well. He would look like a jerk to everyone else if he didn't take you home. Of couse it would be nicer if he did it because he wants to show you he cares about your feelings, but that might be an easy way out. When you do talk, perhaps you guys could agree on a code word that means you have to leave a sittuation right away.

 

[desiderata310]

because thats admitting that I have anxiety, naming it makes it harder to push down.

AND THIS, just a wild guess, might actually be A source of the issue here.

NAMING the problem- hey I've got anxiety! I have GAD! I have PTSD! I have <fill in the blank> is TERRIFYING.
Yep. If I had time to go back and source how long it took me to come to terms with with the whole PTSD thing. OH wait, sometimes I still have to remind myself and feel like I just got knocked on my ass when I see GAD and PTSD written on my chart. yeah, it's something I deal with and that I have but it isn't who Desi IS...
I digress.. sorry...

@lovak I won't say I know your story well enough to make assumptions so that leaves me in the nasty position of having to ask:
Does your partner know you deal with GAD/PTSD?
Do you take the time to discuss your discomfort in these settings?
Do you take the time to discuss an exit strategy before heading off to said party? Hell, depending on where you live there are alternatives: cabs, uber, Lyft, going in separate vehicles, OR going for a set amount of time, asking that you have a 'reason' to leave (you have a charity you have to get up early to work for or whatever) and let him come back after taking you home or maybe using that excuse and letting someone ELSE take HIM home?

I don't know the story and since that part of it isn't mentioned here, I'm going to start with the obvious: state the problem BEFORE it becomes a problem with your partner, come up with a plan and agree to stick to it.

Also, admitting that you HAVE anxiety oddly takes a bit of the edge off the anxiety. No, really, it does! It took me a while to realize that. While I don't admit it to every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes along, there are people in whom I've found I can confide and know that it will go no further and who can be a port in that anxiety storm. Dull the edge of the anxiety knife so to speak.

You had a fight. Now that things have cooled off. Bring it up:

"Hey, love, before we go to our next shin-dig I gotta bring something up because I want us to both enjoy things. I want you to enjoy the party but I am just miserable at these things, because I have anxiety. (Have I mentioned that I deal with anxiety?) It makes me feel like this(X) all night and it makes me feel like I am imposing on you and making you miserable when I make you leave....etc " (gotta love those *I* statements. They take the fingerprinting out of the conversation and turns it into a real conversation) Can we come up with an agreeable plan so that you can have a good time and I'm not hanging on by my fingernails all night?"

Sometimes your partner isn't going to get it right. But in an ideal world they will want to at least TRY To help you. Even if it's stepping outside with you for a few minutes to give you a reprieve from the feeling of being trapped in someone's home.

Just food for thought

 

[lovak]

Tnanks for the replies.
He knows I have PYlTSD and listens to me when I need to talk. He's usually very supportive and he's the only one that can pull me out of a flashback. Actually, I'm really lucky to have him

We just both have a thing with parties... for me a group of people makes me anxious, Im constantly hyperalert.. knowing that I can leave when I have to makes it better: I have a way out
He always needs to be the last one to go. We tried setting a time before, but he doesnt comply. I think it has to do with his background.. He's got some issues of his own, but worked through most of it. He knew I was anxious at the party

What you described, what to talk about when things cooled off, is what I did when we were in the car, but he was already annoyed that we had too leave again because of my problems. So it escalated quickly and at one point I closed the conversation because we were not getting anywhere and it wasnt safe to drive arguing.
Back home I closed myself off a bit. He didnt speak and I didnt, we went to bed and now Im awake and we havent spoken. Im just going to try to talk to him again when he wakes up.

We went in seperate cars before, right now that wasng an option because my meds went up so I couldnt drive... taxi is something thats way too expensive at that distance where I live.

He's very supportive, but I just can seem to describe what it does to me when my anxiety is at his worse and Im not able to leave, or find a quiet safe space. Im stuck in a 'bad' situation again and I cant leave.. it terryfies me.

I know he cant be the perfect husband in every way. But this is such a big thing for me... I just hope we can have a normal conversation now we both slept it off a little