The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

So after sleeping, nearly the whole day yesterday. I am up and doing pretty well.

Other than I left my phone in the laundry room, dissociated about that, thought someone must have gone in the group room and pinched it and had lovely nurses and patients be very kind and helpful until I finally figured out I'd been in the laundry room and left it there.

I handled it pretty well though. I kept my right hand on my forehead and it really helped my brain calm down and not flare up too much, as well as 5 ml of diazapam.

I ended up going across to the giant shopping complex to keep busy instead of panicking and got a really good massage with hot stones and heat rub, for my sciatica and remembered, while I was on the table, that I'd been in the laundry room.
Our topic for the week is; how do we create a sense of self when we haven't developed one?
I still want to write more on last week's topic too. Hopefully I can share more about some of the interesting stuff I learnt last week. I wrote a piece that people gave me lovely feedback about "who am I?" Kinda thing. I might copy it into here, but we have a craft thing in the group room so I'm going to go off and do that now :-).

 

[ILoveLife]

how do we create a sense of self when we haven't developed one?

What an awesome question to put forth.
I struggle a lot with this. Still feel like a blank page going through the motions.

You're awesome mums. I really admire you and what you're doing :hug:
Such a strong fierce woman with such a big kind heart.

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you darling @Sietz :-)

 

[mumstheword]

So ... "Hopeless" emerged this morning. Showed her little self. She's definitely a child part.
She's keep-quiet-and-keep-out-of-the-way little me.
She got me crying. She's very sad, lonely and frightened.
She's my most damaged part.
She's why I hide and freeze.
She's the me that was nearly mute when I met my ex and he fancied this silent, homeless, juicy little morsel who was only sixteen.

She's why I accepted rapes, attempted strangling, constant abuse and neglect from my mum and ex for so long, being threatened with weapons, being expected to parent my mother when I was a child, being dragged around the country like the kitten of a very young incompetent cat-mum, being drugged out of my mind and then sexually abused, getting no medical care for most of my life, being homeless while having babies and working too hard ...that sort of thing.

She's the me who wanted to starve myself for years (and managed pretty well, if it hadn't been for getting knocked up seven times in a row).
She's the one who knew how to survive, by not asking for anything and giving everything and submitting.

 

[Freida]

She's the one who knew how to survive, by not asking for anything and giving everything and submitting.

poor little pumkin....:( I just want to give her a hug

 

[Swift]

Much love to you and Hopeless.

 

[ILoveLife]

:hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you @Swift and @Sietz :) yeah yesterday was rough.
My mum texted me out of the blue that she was "disappointed I hadn't responded when her mother died". It wasn't an approach that went down well with me at the time. I said, basically "yeah? Well I'm disappointed in heaps of things you have and haven't done too. I'm actually really unwell and having my second admission in a psych hospital. I'm sorry that your neglected and traumatised daughter is such a disappointment to you" and other stuff that was me finally and actually letting her know I'm not too happy with her either and I'm really struggling.

I was shaky as shit typing it out. Then I got scared about how she was going to respond and avoided my room so I wouldn't go near my phone, got to talk to a nurse and my pdoc and they said "you can.turn.off your phone, til you're ready" so I did.

I finally gathered up the gutz to read her reply and she said "I'm sorry your unwell. For all my faults I did move up here to be with you (I don't believe that for a minute, and she never talked to me about it. I actually moved 1000's ks and over an ocean to get away from her, so I was never happy about them.moving up here. I actually think my stepdad talked her into it because he's had a good time in the area and was sick of the cold in Tassie)

Basically, after that, she shamed me again and said " are you going to get over it, so we can reconcile?"

So I said "I dunno mum. I got a lot on my plate and my kids, my housing situation and my health are my priority at the moment so I'm not going to commit to anything else right now." (That's the abbreived version anyway).

Just now had a very disturbing nightmare and woke up at 4.00 so I don't think it's worth trying to sleep again. Of course the nightmare was about my mum (and my ex) still treating me terribly.

 

[somerandomguy]

What a terrific, self-respecting reply to your mom!!

 

[mumstheword]

Thanks @somerandomguy:hug: :-):x3: I am actually pretty pleased with myself for having the courage to finally stand up to her.:D:joyful::happy:

 

[ILoveLife]

That was amazing mums.
Really amazing :hug:

 

[Juso]

Great self care mums. Putting your mental health first and telling your mum how you feel, thats brave and healthy behavior. Proud of you. I know how scary and difficult this is.
Hugs:hug: