Relationship Still processing breakup with PTSD ex

[Deleted member 47099]

^^Your devotion to this man and this relationship is probably what has brought you so undone. Whilst his normal was to live disconnected - you began to heal, to trust and connect.

Actually, I think it was kinda the opposite... Let me explain... :)

Because I did bond and connect to a safe caretaker as a young child and because I've had a lot of strong, caring, deep friendships and relationships over the years, I *wasn't* totally invested in this. Yes, I was fully invested, but in a healthy, realistic way.

For him, it was the first deep bond, the first true love in his life, and he completely and utterly over-invested in it. He was so totally "this is it" that it was impossible to calm him down to enough for him to look at the relationship rationally.

I'd tell him that we would end up having fights at some point, that we would hit rough patches, that we would have to deal with conflict and difficulties. And he'd be like "nup, this is true love, it'll be perfect".

I think this total over-investment is what actually made him spiral so badly. Once he started getting deeply into crisis, he was so hurt and disappointed that I couldn't "magically" help him and that I wasn't perfect (yeah, duh, no kidding) that this is what contributed to his spiralling totally out of control and disappearing and ghosting me.

^^ More stuff to add to the irony pile :rolleyes:

 

[blackemerald1]

Do you think because you were 'imperfect' and could not rescue him from this delusional idea of the relationship that he clung on to - that this is your fault? Is guilt part of the 10%?

 

[ILoveLife]

I've been in a similar relationship, and I was "him in the situation" as in going mute and losing my marbles and destroying a perfectly good relationship. I'm certain he didn't mean to hurt you, when we're overwhelmed with pain it's incredibly difficult to distinguish the good things from the bad things, we tend to get self destructive and it becomes a big mess.

That's why in recovery from addictions it is said that folks shouldn't date for the first year. We just aren't on the right emotional wavelenght yet. It's pretty much the same with trauma, I found. Until we get appropriate treatment and gentle self care, until we learn to be with ourselves, no amount of love will help build a solid ground for a relationship.

Some of us are fortunate to be more regulated than others, but if you ask most of us here... before treatment relationships were a mess.

I think you said he was undiagnosed? If that's true, that's even worse. There could be other things undiagnosed that you weren't aware of that made him behave the way he did.

And final though, and sorry for my honesty... it takes two to tango. You're a helper, you love to help people and put their needs above your own. That's a wonderful quality that can become a hinderance if the other person uses you as their mood stabilizer.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Yeah, I agree with what you've said @Sietz :tup:

I have developed a deep sense of calm about the situation these last two days.

A sense of peace I'd almost given up hope on finding about this situation.

I went into the relationship thinking "He's dealing with too much stuff, he probably shouldn't be dating. The situation is so messy. Chances are, I will get hurt in this."

But I've known him since we were both kids and he always meant a lot to me and so I decided to take the chance.

A lot of it was really, really, really good.

I was aware it could get messy and we could run aground.

I just wasn't expecting the utter devastation of him disappearing and ghosting me and destroying the relationship so recklessly.

And of course it takes two to tango ;)

Ive spent the last 2 years looking at my part/ role in all this.

It didn't help re closure tho, cos his stuff seemed like such a f*cking mystery to me.

That's why I'm exploring *his* behaviour here.

Not because I think my behaviour and choices didn't contribute - they did.

But I understand my part and have made peace with that.

It's his behaviour I was having such trouble understanding and getting closure on.

 

[ILoveLife]

I bet you really blamed yourself a lot :(
No need though, it's both you guys fault :P Just kidding, but seriously...
Break ups suck ass. Best to be single!

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I bet you really blamed yourself a lot :(
No need though, it's both you guys fault :p Just kidding, but seriously...
Break ups suck ass. Best to be single!

Well, it was actually so "obvious" that he was deep in crisis and doing something completely nuts, that I didn't actually "blame" myself too much. It was obvious that whatever weird stuff was going on couldn't logically be "my fault" (other than the normal share of stuff I'd contributed - but definitely nothing to warrant the total chaos and madness).

Apart from just the sheer sense of loss, what "got me" the most was that it was so unexpected/ I didn't see it coming (the disappearing and ghosting) and that I couldn't make "sense" of it. Sure, I was expecting challenges/ difficulty/ conflict/ rough patches/ etc. But not going from "everything is sooo lovely" to "wtf".

It made me feel like I was going "crazy" because I couldn't figure it out and my mind was coming up with ever more ridiculous potential explanations of what might be going on.

And the crazy-makingness of it just meant I couldn't find closure on it. I'm quite a "thinky" person, so I knew I needed my head to understand it, before my heart could let go and find peace.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Huh...

Well, this stuff has been percolating through my mind and soul for days and days... Like my mind is a coffee machine and the steaming water is oozing through the coffee grounds and making a potent, strong coffee brew, drip by drip...

I've been gearing up to write a closure email these past few days and thinking that either a) I'll write a calm, considered closure statement and then let it go, or b) send no more emails again, ever, because I've already said what I have to say and there's nothing more to add and the true act of letting go is to simply stop engaging in the dialogue at all.

So, I just opened an email to him and was going to think about all the calm, considered closure stuff I wanted to write and figured I'd spend hours on it, mulling it over and probly doing several re-writes before sending off the finished text.

Instead, a short but utterly honest emotional rant straight from the heart poured out and I've clicked on "send" and now that email is out there in the ether and will bring things to a closure, one way or the other.

In the end I basically said "Either be real and talk now, or just stay out of my life."

If his issues are preventing him from a) being real and b) talking then that's a total dealbreaker for me and I'm not interested in having him be part of my life, in any way, shape or form, whether now or 10 years down the track.

It's his choice. And if it's not his "choice" cos he's trapped in his issues, then it is what it is, but it's no longer got anything to do with me.

 

[blackemerald1]

"Either be real and talk now, or just stay out of my life."

^^ You've set a boundary. It's painful isn't it?


:hug:

 

[Deleted member 47099]

^^ You've set a boundary. It's painful isn't it?


:hug:

Thanks :hug:

Hmm, dunno if it's painful?

I can feel really mild anger sort of bubbling away in the background, cos I totally expect that he'll try and cross that boundary... That he'll blather some fake nice crap that he thinks I "want" to hear... and that I'll have to "defend" my boundary...?

Maybe it will start feeling painful later?

At the moment I feel relief. That I've been able to put into words what was just a confusion of feelings, for such a long time.

And I feel a sense of self-worth. At 40, I want to spend my time with people who are being real. Who have matured enough on their journey to throw off the fetters of a lot of their insecurities, who have wrestled with their demons and won often enough, who value being real. I don't want people wasting my precious time with ego games and mind games and insecurity games.

So by setting that boundary, I'm actually feeling empowered right now and like I'm placing a value on me and my time and my effort and my caring. And I'm clearly stating what matters to me and how I choose who is part of my life and who is not.

I don't mind messy, I don't mind complicated, I don't mind weird. I don't mind challenging. I don't mind difficult. As long as it's REAL.

If there's one thing I hate, it's people being not-real.

It feels calm and peaceful to have found that clarity in myself and to have stated it to him.

That "realness" is what matters to me.

The rest is up to him.

And if he can't be real, or chooses not to be real, then it's actually NOT a loss for me. All I'm "losing" is someone who can't or won't be real, which in my book actually isn't a loss. It's just keeping the space in my life free for those people who are real.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I guess the painfulness/ sadness will set in, once it becomes clear that he (in all probability) can't and won't stick to the boundary.

Probably me drawing this final line in the sand is going to start hurting when it becomes clear that that is the line that separates us.

Probly, at the moment I feel relieved and proud of myself for having found and drawn that line and it feels like a positive thing, a healthy thing, a healing thing.

I guess a tiny, teensy part of me is "hoping" that he'll "somehow" be courageous and strong enough to do what it takes for us to actually be connected in a healthy and mature way.

But logically I know the chances of that are 0.00000001 %

So I guess it will start hurting when he either sends a blatantly useless reply or goes back to silence and not-replying.

I guess I get a few hours/ days of reprieve, before that truth sinks in. :rolleyes:

 

[Justmehere]

You have a ton of compassion for him and a lot of great self insight. It makes a ton of sense to me to try to reach out and get answers and explaination strikes him about all the “why” questions that you have.

I’m also cringing a little bit, because I’ve done something similar in trying to work it out with someone.

You are kind, thoughtful, and you really deserve someone who is there for you. My heart really goes out to you.

Here’s bit of constructive feedback about some things I’ve learned the hard way about relationships generally.

Email is good for logistics. It’s good for a please-don’t-respond-further boundary. That’s about it.

Trying to resolve a broken relationship for which either/both parties probably hold deep emotional pain via email usually leads to even greater fall out about 99 percent of the time. I actually have yet to ever hear of it working out. Usually both sides read into it considerably, multiple misunderstandings occur, and things escalate and/or they lead to no response. As you have experienced... So much gets lost over email. I do understand that perhaps email is the only means of communication with him he’ll do or what you are comfortable doing to communicate with him. I’m not at all knocking your efforts and intentions. Before you keep continuing to get let down about what you are able to achieve via these emails, I strongly suggest you drastically lower your expectations for what email can do to resolve this matter for you.

It’s really super hard for two people without PTSD to do what you are trying to do via email. Throw in the reactivity of PTSD, the pain of a breakup, etc, etc, this isn’t likely to get you the results you reasonably would like.

Your pain comes across tangibly in your posts, and I’m guessing it does to him too. That part is super clear. I think you have tremendous courage to look at both your parts in this so honestly.

What’s unclear are your expectations are for this interaction, and what you would like to achieve, and that might be part of what he’s misunderstanding and then you are reacting to, and then he’s misunderstanding more... and around this goes until one of you stops. (He maybe stopping the cycle now by no longer responding, especially because the way you describe your responses to him seems to be that you are increasing in your venting and demands for him, such as to “talk now.”)

Look at it this way:

He’s suffering a mental health condition. His suffering is different than yours. He did not have the insight you would like him to have. He was drowning so badly the best he could do was to end the relationship. It’s a horrible reality. Two years later, he’s contacted by his former romantic partner... and frankly, it sounds like he’s assuming you are trying to work the relationship out. Not an unreasonble assumption when contacted by an ex wanting to have heart-to-heart communications.

He’s communicated, with some self insight, he can’t do a relationship with you now. Maybe in 8 more years. Yeah sure, that hurts to hear, isn’t reasonable for you. It makes sense you want to hash things out now, but he’s already telling you when there’s a chance of being able to work this through and it’s not now. I get that you don’t want to restore the romantic relationship but I can see how he would easily assume that is what you wany by trying to reconnect and have vulnerable communications with him about a very painful breakup. He’s trying to let you down gently. He’s been kind in his responses and not lashed out back at you. He’s giving you the heads up about where he is at, and what he wants, and when he could possibly do it. He’s giving you the heads up that you didn’t get in the past.

Most of all, by his words and actions, and your responses, it’s clear he can’t be what you reasonably would like him to be.

In the end I basically said "Either be real and talk now, or just stay out of my life."

If I got an email like this as a sufferer, after trying so hard to be kind and clear where I’m at, I’d feel like sh*t. Is that your goal? Maybe it is. No judgement here. But sending him ranting me somewhat demanding emails invites anything but a vulnerable “real and talk” kind of response.

It’s also a confusing communication as s boundary. It’s more of an ultimatum rather than a statement of your limits and what you will do. It’s demanding change from him or else. A boundary is actually about being clear what we can and can’t do.

For most people, being real is being vulnerable. You want vulnerablity while also describing venting at him. Huh? You are trying to pull him in while also pushing him away. This be vulnerable now or I’m pushing you out response - rarely works. To understand his responses, you may need to look at how you are communicating and it’s effectiveness in getting what you would like.

You are asking very legit “why” questions. You will not likely get answers to them. Someone once suggested to me to try to turn every “why” into a “what” or a “how” question. That usually leads to being able to move forward instead of getting stuck on all the reasonable whys... “why” questions tend to put others on the defensive and defensiveness leads to shallowness. Or, being not “real.”

The reality is that many people with severe mental illness can’t provide a lot of vulnerable “why” explanations anyhow. A “what” or a “how” question can invite connection better.

If you want connection and for him to step into being vulnerable with you, enough to hash it out and be more real, then you’ll probably have to change your approach and help create the space for risking such vulnerability. If you want to make sure he’s heard your side, then I think you’ve got that.

Asking people to be “real” is vague. Especially over email, where nothing is actually all that private. There is a saying that if one doesn’t want it to be on the front pages, don’t email it. It’s a risky thing you are asking him to do to email vulnerable things to you about a breakup. And you are asking him to do that while clealry still being pissed at him.

I’m not surprised you are not getting perhaps vulnerable responses simply because of the context of this communication. I’d never email with an upset ex my deepest thoughts on a painful breakup. I might have coffee with them and talk it out there. It’s wise to keep it cordial when it’s in writing. And as public as emails are these days.

I’m also not sure why his being nice isn’t “real” to you. If he’s that much of a player, run from him. Stop trying to change this and RUN. Sprint! Nothing good will come from someone who used nicenes to play someone in a hurtful way.

If he’s not a total player, I can see how it is unexpected for him to be nice after such a painful breakup. Maybe you feel invalidated? Were you expecting him to be an ass and vent back at you? Would that have been less confusing and painful? I mean, it would make sense. If someone is just an ass, easier to let them go? You know?

Is that what real would mean for you? Is it possible that he’s recovered enough that the nice is the real?

What is it like for you when others are nice? A lot of trauma survivors push away kindness. For some, it can feel invalidating of pain.

What is the good you expect to come from someone for whom you believe his being nice is an ego game? Let’s say that it is an ego game, how will dancing this dance with him give you peace?

None of these questions are ones you have to answer, but perhaps good for thought I’d its helpful. I think you know what you need to do next: let him go.

Protect your heart, take space, and don’t keep putting yourself through this.

And if none of this is helpful, do please feel free to totally disregard. You have a good heart. I’m sorry he’s hurt you so deeply. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Hey @Justmehere :)

That is so sweet of you to write such a long reply - I'm going to try and respond as well as I can.

So, his "nice" emails upset me, because he was kinda pretending nothing much had happened. Just like the last 2 years of disappearing/ ghosting were a minor mishap and that by being nice now, it was all okay again.

It's not that I mind him or anyone else being nice :)

It would just be a lot more appropriate to actually say sorry and quietly see what common ground we can find again (if any).

Also, his emails were so nice that I don't think they were a gentle let down either. I'd be fine with that. Bizarrely I think he's trying to rekindle stuff and he's talked in ridiculously long time-frames before so this is actually not out of character for him. But that's all kinda beside the point.

I liked your question as to "what am I trying to achieve"?

No, I'm not trying to rekindle things, I'm not actively hoping there will be some kind of way forward for us together. I already buried 99% of that hope... but you know that that last 1% of hope is notoriously hard to eliminate entirely :rolleyes: It's stupid tho and isn't really a factor.

What I'm trying to achieve is closure for myself. And it's certainly a *process* and a journey.
It's not something that I am consciously deciding in my brain "this is my goal" and then going and doing it.
I'm trying to hear inside myself, to find out, what my path is, with this.
And I'm taking this journey, one step at a time, as authentically, as I can.

For a long time, I was desperate to understand what had happened.
And yeah, I realise he can't "tell" me why.
If he were in a fit state to do that, he wouldn't have spiralled into total crisis like that.

So I realise I needed to find the most likely/ most plausible explanation on my own and by talking to others.
I feel like I've finally found that explanation now, after reading how others here on the forum with PTSD have "disappeared" on their partners during crisis.
I wasn't previously aware that this was a "thing".
Sure, I will recede/ isolate/ hide away at home too when I'm feeling unwell.
But I didn't realise ppl truly just disappeared from relationships like that, when in crisis.
I thought that was mainly an urban legend - you know, that thing where someone says they are going out to get cigarettes and never returns - that kinda thing.

So I think understanding it was the most important thing for me, in terms of healing.

I also wanted to speak my truth.
I realise that it's kind of pointless.
I realise that, in all likelihood, he doesn't get it.
He probably is just confused why I'm upset or thinks I'm overreacting, or some other version of events that makes sense to him.
Whatever. That's not my concern anymore.
I don't need him to "hear" me or "validate" me.
I just need to *know for myself* that I spoke my truth.
I found words for my truth.
I found the courage to speak my truth out loud.
I had the compassion to not word it meanly or ungenerously.
(Yes, there was some upset/ anger in my words, but I made sure it was very clear that it was the anger of someone whose feelings are hurt, not the anger of someone who's being spiteful or nasty.)

Yes, I'm aware that if I wanted to rekindle things with him, I would need to approach things very differently.
But it's not what I want.
I don't want to have to walk on eggshells constantly, watching my every word.
If it had been a relationship with him, with a bit of PTSD thrown in (so to speak) that would've been fine.
But it ended up being more like a relationship with PTSD, with a bit of him thrown in.

Anyway... I just want to heal from this.
So that I can genuinely move on.
With an open heart.

I don't want to be guarded and jaded, cos I'm carrying the hurt from this breakup around.
I want to fully grieve this and truly get closure - I want to understand and accept this with love and humour.
I want to stop being angry at him. I want to stop hating him for what he did.
I want to genuinely forgive him for being a frail human being, because we are all frail human beings.

I want to open my heart to the universe again.
I've been guarding my bruised heart protectively these past 2 years, the way we instinctively protect a broken arm or a sprained ankle... wanting to prevent further damage or pain.
I want my heart to be okay with the hard knocks it got and to fully heal and recover.
I want my heart to be older and wiser than it was when I met him.
I want to be able to laugh at how naive I was and at the well-intentioned mistakes I made.
I want to be stronger for having survived this.

And really, it's got nothing to do with him, anymore.
We broke up 2 years ago.
It's just taken me this long to understand it and to find peace with it.

And yeah, it's a weird way of saying goodbye to rant at the person you once loved more than anyone else on the planet that they should "Be real and talk now or stay out of my life".

But I guess it's my way of saying goodbye and I'll miss you and I wish things had worked out differently but they didn't.

Not perfect, but hey, what's ever perfect? :)

Thank you for your kind thoughts, @Justmehere :hug: