Catastrophizing

[Sweetpea76]

He's a whiz with money and pays all the bills... but drop a form in front of him and he shuts down.

I'm sure it's a decision making thing and being afraid to make mistakes. If he made a wrong decision people died.

 

[Freida]

I'm sure it's a decision making thing and being afraid to make mistakes. If he made a wrong decision people died.

This ^^^^^
or...
forms. It's not just filling out papers. Sometimes it's admitting I am going to be stupid enough to ask for help from "them"
I'm supposed to be working on a disablity form right now and I keep finding ways to get distracted because once I write it down there it is - on paper for "them" to look at and pass judgement on me for not getting my shit together. If I make one little mistake "they" will throw me to the wolves because this the only chance I have to fill them out - there is no redoing them because there might have been a typo or I ran out of brain cells and left something out. It is all or nothing. Do it right or horrible things happen (re-enforced by years at 911)

And when the horrible things start to happen the fall out will start and I'll run out of money and we will lose the house and hubby will leave me because I can't get my shit together and my friends and family will abandon me for being pathetic and I'll have to live in a box under a bridge and my dog will end up dying from the cold --- simply because I screwed up on a form.
Catastrophizing at it's best

And yep -- even when I KNOW sending in this paperwork will help me I'm still dragging my feet.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Gawd... it's so frustrating! The supporter struggle is real with this one. This is something that I *can* actually help with! It would take all of 20 minutes to fill the f*cker out and drop it in the mail.

Literally thousands of dollars.

I know, I know, I know... it's his process and I have to let him manage his own "thing". Boundaries are important. I cannot fix his life. This is something very real for him and I don't understand.

It still irritates me. Not him... the situation. I'm super-anal about paperwork and organization.

 

[scout86]

What would happen if you just did it while he wasn't looking? I get that there are some problems, potentially, with that. Is there a chance he'd actually be relieved to have to done? (Thinking that because I KNOW I would be.)

 

[Sweetpea76]

I honestly have no idea.

On one hand I could see him wanting it done and gone. It's like a time bomb on the counter. One the other hand, he actually trusts me, and it's taken years of consistency for that to happen. I could see him taking it as me sneaking behind his back and violating his trust.

Right now all I can think to do is be blatantly obvious about how squared away I have other clerical stuff in the house and that it's no bother. It has to be comical. It's like a kid cleaning his room because he wants a dog... "look at me babe! I'm good at this!!"

 

[LuckiLee]

My guy is going through stuff right now which involves research, forms, phone calls and leg work... And he's actually doing it. I thought it was going to be a whole lot worse. But I've noticed his anxiety about other stressors is reduced which is making it easier. Is he or you able to remove any other stressors going on? J is accepting my help because I don't call it "help". I've said "we're a team, we can do it together". So far it's working. If it comes down to the wire, you may have to put your foot up his ass. ;)

 

[Friday]

Right now all I can think to do is be blatantly obvious about how squared away I have other clerical stuff in the house and that it's no bother. It has to be comical. It's like a kid cleaning his room because he wants a dog... "look at me babe! I'm good at this!!"

Damn.... you’re good!

:whistling: I hate to admit it... but that approach actually works with me. Bestie is a lawyer, and when she gets seriously pissed off about my not having filled something out (after months of needling me about it), her briefcase suddenly starts showing up to girls night. I. Never. Put. The. Two. Together. Until. Just. Now. (Lightbulb! Ooooooooooh... but... yeah. Yeah that’s what happens, isn’t it?) But she really is the only person I’ve ever let help me with paperwork. It generally takes me about a year to ask, though.

 

[Justmehere]

I have SO done what he is doing now... ugh.

I think maybe because he's been on an upswing lately he's considering this a setback. He's also beating himself up more about little things lately. He's thinking he's putting me out or using me because he's helpless, hopeless, blah blah blah.

Meanwhile, I consider us a team, and doing little things like this is basically just me pulling for the team. He helps me do things allll the time. It's not putting me out or stressing me out at all. I've tried pointing this out to him, but he's stuck in his mindset.

Instead, maybe offer a trade? Find something he is good at, he knows he is good at, and ask him to help you. Then offer to do the paperwork for him as an exchange?

When I'm in this rut, explaining to me how good and capable someone else is at something will backfire. I know, it shouldn't, but it does. Asking me to help someone else in exchange for help with getting my stuff done? Totally works for me. It pushes me out of the "I'm not capable" into "I am capable" and I have "earned" the help.

 

[Abstract]

I have to say that if anyone does anything or goes into my stuff without my permission I have an extreme reaction. Its a breach of trust to me. The other person usually doesn't know it or knows only the tip of the iceberg but it isn't pretty. I feel violated. Dramatic I know. Urgh. I would almost suffer any consequences than that happening. Also sadly wouldn't react well to it being pointed out how much more capable someone else is. Shame and feelings of powerlessness tend to freeze me up more even though I am ashamed that that is the case. Any little thing that helps my sense of movement or efficacy are the best for me. Like I said before, if a tiny bit of the concrete block appears to be able to move it seems to create movement in the rest. Or acceptance and kindness can help a bit too at times actually. If I am lucky I can sometimes give that to myself these days.

Looks like we are all a bit different. Makes it trickier doesn't it! You seem to know him well though so maybe trust yourself.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Oh yeah... I know for sure touching that paper or mentioning that paper would be like shooting myself in the foot with him.

This would be like him watching me drive around with my oil light on or something... although I'm sure I'd get more of a reaction outta him for that than I'm giving him now ?

 

[Friday]

Instead, maybe offer a trade? Find something he is good at, he knows he is good at, and ask him to help you. Then offer to do the paperwork for him as an exchange?

This also works, for me. Much faster.