Relationship Is it common for a sufferer to only feel numb towards you, the SO, and not friends and family?

[GatorsFan12]

I imagine that it's a very common occurnace, especially in the case of the sufferer having experienced a sexual assault, but I wanted to see if this was a common thing or not.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, it's extremely common for all types of ptsd. I think one of the major supporter struggles (based on frequency of posting) is that the SO doesn't understand why they are being shut out but we are fine with everyone else. I'm going through it right now and no, I can't fight it (I've tried).

 

[GatorsFan12]

Yes, it's extremely common for all types of ptsd. I think one of the major supporter struggles (based on frequency of posting) is that the SO doesn't understand why they are being shut out but we are fine with everyone else. I'm going through it right now and no, I can't fight it (I've tried).

Thank you for the reply. This is my first time dealing with something like this, and the relationship is/was extremely new, but things were going perfect until they were triggered, and started experiencing flashbacks to the sexual assault. This has been such a confusing and difficult time for me personally. I made the mistake of not giving space when it was requested at first. I meant well, but should’ve listened to what they needed. I’ve since apologized for it, and was told that I’d hear from them once they’re better but it’s been about 2.5 weeks. It’s tough to wait and see what will happen.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can I ask how new the relationship is?

Is your partner in therapy? Getting treatment?

If the triggering event involved you, then I don’t know if/when she will be back. I’m currently in this situation, my triggering event involved him, so he does not feel safe right now. I’m dissociated and feeling nothing, operating 100% in rational mind, 0% in emotional mind.....trying to push through things because hey, I can....but operating this way is short lived. My therapist said if I can’t find a way to make him feel safe again, it’s over. (I know this.)

 

[GatorsFan12]

Can I ask how new the relationship is?

Is your partner in therapy? Getting treatment?

If the triggering event involved you, then I don’t know if/when she will be back. I’m currently in this situation, my triggering event involved him, so he does not feel safe right now. I’m dissociated and feeling nothing, operating 100% in rational mind, 0% in emotional mind.....trying to push through things because hey, I can....but operating this way is short lived. My therapist said if I can’t find a way to make him feel safe again, it’s over. (I know this.)

Is there a way to private message on this website? I'd be happy to go into greater detail in private!

 

[A13]

My partner and I were having a really deep conversation one evening and this subject came up.
I asked was it an intentional thing or did he even realise he was doing it.

He didn’t see that he was doing it but kinda explained it as; it’s easy to keep that mask on for an hour with your friends or family but when you are fully comfortable with someone you don’t feel like you have to wear that mask.

I maybe haven’t explained myself well but that’s how my SO described it.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is there a way to private message on this website? I'd be happy to go into greater detail in private!

No, we don't have private messages. :-(

 

[grit]

[QUOTE="My therapist said if I can’t find a way to make him feel safe again, it’s over. (I know this.)[/QUOTE]

Hi Eve,

I really wish things work out for you. I think it is a big order to have the burden of making another adult feel safe. I wish it was easy but it is not.

All the best.

 

[GatorsFan12]

The scary part of all of this for me is the fear of never being contacted by them again. Going weeks without communication is very stressful

 

[Friday]

Going weeks without communication is very stressful

FWIW... I don’t date those people.

Which isn’t to say I don’t date people who isolate. Just that their needs for isolation & my needs for isolation (on their part, or my own) work. Either by coinicindece, or design. (Meaning one of us had a problem with the way the other person isolates, and we had a bit of a parley about it, and came up with something that worked for both of us). Or not. And we broke up over it.

I’ve dated lots of men with PTSD, and f*cked around with even more, and everyone handles symptoms differently.

Whether it’s isolation, emotions (or the lack their of), temper, crowds, social stuff, nightmares, stress... pick any symptom in the book, or expression, or coping mechanism, or dysregulation... and they’re ALL shaped by personality & experience.

It’s a nice thing about dating people with PTSD almost exclusively... it takes PTSD entirely off the table. It becomes about them, and about me, and if we work together.

It’s useful knowing if something -like numbing- is a PTSD trait / common amongst those of us who have it... but it’s also never an excuse, reason, or justification. Just like it’s common for artists to have strange sleep schedules, or politicians to lead very public lives, or for military folk to move every 2 years... but that doesn’t mean that you’re “supposed” to put up with someone whose sleep schedule is impossible for you, or always in the limelight when you’re a very private person, or who won’t “put down roots”... just because it’s normal for people with their temperament/job/etc. to do those things.

 

[EveHarrington]

To me an extremely new relationship wouldn’t be more than a few months old, and you’re already dealing with a weeks long shut out? I’m a bit concerned...

From what I gather from reading posts here on the forum and through my own experiences, it’s pretty much unheard of for a sufferer to have a one-off reaction that never happens again. That is, we all have our go to/“automatic” ways of coping that repeat themselves, because we know what we must do in order to feel safe/less stressed/etc. I’m guessing your partner is an isolator, so you’re pretty much guaranteed to have more isolation periods in the future. I say this not to scare you, but rather to get you to find ways to cope with her isolation so that it doesn’t rip you apart.

 

[Abstract]

From the sound of things her past sexual trauma was triggered during an interaction between you - she asked for space - you didnt give that space - and now she is withdrawing for longer. 2 and a half weeks so far. Its a learning curve so don't be too hard on yourself. Will say though that personally if someone steps over me asking for space (I don't leave physically) it can take quite some time for me to trust them again. If I am in triggered mode it reassociates that trauma unrelated to them, to them. If that makes sense. Its like another person not listening to a no.

If this is too stressful for you it might be very wise to consider if this relationship is healthy for you at all regardless of what she is thinking about it.