Does the safety dance ever end?

[EveHarrington]

Hahaha I think I just referenced an 80’s song lol.

But seriously.

Every. Single. Relationship. I’ve ever had consisted of the safety dance.

Too close?

Not safe.

Too far?

Ugh, that sucks, too.

That perfect safety zone is constantly moving and an almost impossible target to hit, let alone maintain or stay “in the zone”.

Will I ever feel safe to the point where I won’t feel the need to constantly run?

Last weekend I had my first “big” run where I packed a bag in 3 minutes and was out the door. I drove....far. I can’t/won’t even say where I went.

My friends/family want to know where I went. No, I’ll never tell. Naming your escapes means that they are no longer escapes. Being able to be found means you’re still not safe. But this is something they’ll never understand.

I don’t even know if I like that running is now an option. I feel like a train wreck in slow motion. I feel like I’m self sabotaging and it’s inevitable that things will go up in flames.

But I digress.

I just want to feel safe and end this fcking safety dance.

I just want to feel SAFE.

How do you FEEL safe? STAY safe?

 

[Sideways]

How do you FEEL safe? STAY safe?

I think trust is key. Building trust takes time.

With ptsd on board, building trust is potentially going to be a slower process, but it does happen. How much do you feel that you currently trust your partner? Does that trust fluctuate the same way that your sense of safety does?

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @EveHarrington , not sure if this could be helpful, and it's only one thought, of course. I'm not sure how to say it without being direct, but I hope it's not offensive, it's not meant to be. If anything, I just think of it this way 'as per myself'- and I'm not too kind to 'me'.

Will I ever feel safe to the point where I won’t feel the need to constantly run?

I think no one knows, but with work at identifying what contributes to feeling safe/ unsafe. and work on ourselves, it should. But I find it's a slow process. (JMHO).

I've been thinking it comes back to 'thoughts' and beliefs. What are yours? Can you work on changing them, if it helped? Do you want to?

For example, you 'feel' unsafe, are you? And so what says you 'have to' get out of feeling discomfort, or 'solving it', in some way?

last weekend I had my first “big” run where I packed a bag in 3 minutes

I've been thinking about this in a parallel way, in terms of S.Ideation- it seems like thoughts, but is it really emotional disregulation at near light speed? By that I mean, by analogy: I can easily see how something triggers me and I can feel SI in response. Oddly, that doesn't happen so much- maybe because I'm just simply aware, so when it happens I can identify why, what I feel, and see (know) that's the consequence (admit it). But other times, do the thoughts follow triggering I'm not aware of: I've either not realized I'm triggered, or how badly, and then I intellectually explain how I feel, but miss the boat of why I really do. Because packing a bag in 3 minutes sounds pretty emotionally-driven. Because really, as an adult you have a right and maybe opportunity, to pack your bag and leave, at any, or most times.

I think 'fleeing' by nature consists often of fear, and anxiety. It could also be anger or such. But to me, that is a different animal. That can be 'pay back', or something else, but not fear. What do you feel?

How do you FEEL safe? STAY safe?

Information helps a bit. For example, knowing low-grade anxiety can feel like not belonging. 'Feeling' safe I think for me has probably to do with 1) my internal environment, thoughts and feelings, not just emotions but sensory, such as being warm, etc 2) my beliefs and thoughts, and awareness of what is 'safe' vs what is 'unsafe' (disproportionate) 3) maybe an immense amount of minutiae being observed and recorded and decoded by me- probably trivial to most, but probably the biggest affect on me simply because it goes to me heart and not head, which rarely trusts what is good, or is something or someone good. And has probably, I've been thinking, been something necessary to do when you (I) don't trust my own perceptions, and am leery of others 'real' selves. Like I was thinking, I try to 'learn' so I can answer a question without needing to rely on my memory or memorize.

Staying safe (as possible)? Surround yourself with safe people.

Does that trust fluctuate the same way that your sense of safety does

I think that's a very good question ^^, or to see 'what' it fluctuates with.

I can only say this, with rare exception (maybe the 'minutiae thing'?) I've 'felt' safe/ that someone is trustworthy, and it's 'easy' (Idk why). Other times I've 'thought' they seemed safe and they weren't.

I think- and I mean this kindly- running away as an adult may be tempting, but I wouldn't call it healthy, or a sign of good mental health. As adults we have agency; we learn to establish boundaries; maybe we learn better communication, or self advocacy skills. If nothing else, we (may) have the means- and there is the expectation from other healthy (or healthier) adults -to have 'adult' conversations and make adult decisions; in most cases we need neither someone else's permission to leave, nor do we need to create drama (which not telling anyone where you are going, or why, or for how long), can create. Provided you have anyone either around you who needs you there (your responsibilities), or cares (is concerned). Leaving being an issue is actually predicated on maintaining relationships; without any of value, no one will care if you check in or not, or maybe even notice your absence. But for those who care, some predictability- or rather accountability- is a sign of good mental health: to expect that accountability, and to want to give it too, in respect for them, and to strive for better mental health yourself.

Just my 0.02 cents though.

 

[Anana]

You gave it a good word- a dance. Most people do really see it as a game or dance when the one moment you are sweet and close and in a second you are already running away. How my trust issues have reduced? Well, it wasnt the best way i believe, but it lowered much when the situation which i had been fearing all my life had happened. The biggest fear that i will be betrayed,punished, humiliated by a person whom I trusted (though it was very hard struggle to make myself to trust) came true. It was like a death. Extemly painful and looooong lasting. Since then i ve done a lot of inner work. There were different phases. And what i realised i will never trust anyone. But then I realised it will also not make me happy and tried to find ways. Found. Now is more about trust to my self . Whether I believe that I will be able to protect myself from harm. I'm learning and training myself not to think of others behaviour ,motifs, desire and ability to protect me but while I interact with people I listen to my inner child.how does she feel. Is she scared? I comfort her . Is she having fun and worries "they "will take away that fun from her-I comfort her again and let her everything she needs. So feeling safe is really worth all that path I have done and all these rare episodes when I can't cope.Dear Eve,I have read a lot of your posts. You had experienced a lot of battles. I know it is hard to believe but you are strong,creative,caring, loving enough to protect yourself and make a safe place everywhere not only in isolated places.

 

[grit]

Asking what safety feels like is like asking what does it feel to be human. It is a feeling only you know when you get it. I am speaking from experience. I did not know I was even feeling unsafe.

I remembered one morning walking my dog around 530ish in the morning, a beautiful morning too and all of sudden I had a rush of feeling and a moment of aha! I felt I was feeling threatened. All my life my personal atmosphere, just imagine my bubble was I felt threatened.

After that feeling in my body like if the wind touched my hair, I saw safety differently. It was not I felt unsafe. It was that I felt threatened since as far as I could remember as child. Being threatened was a part of me a smell that came to a room before I entered. Others could see it but did not know what is up with me. Then I went into hell realizing what that meant for me.

The word safety is too big and too vague to dissect. Find what that means for you in a very specific and felt ways. break it down.

Not having safety is really hard state of body and mind. it is overwork and exhausting. I can only see it in retrospect. When I was in it, I just thought I had high energy. Nope. I was in guard.

 

[EveHarrington]

Asking what safety feels like is like asking what does it feel to be human. It is a feeling only you know when you get it. I am speaking from experience. I did not know I was even feeling unsafe.

I remembered one morning walking my dog around 530ish in the morning, a beautiful morning too and all of sudden I had a rush of feeling and a moment of aha! I felt I was feeling threatened. All my life my personal atmosphere, just imagine my bubble was I felt threatened.

After that feeling in my body like if the wind touched my hair, I saw safety differently. It was not I felt unsafe. It was that I felt threatened since as far as I could remember as child. Being threatened was a part of me a smell that came to a room before I entered. Others could see it but did not know what is up with me. Then I went into hell realizing what that meant for me.

The word safety is too big and too vague to dissect. Find what that means for you in a very specific and felt ways. break it down.

Not having safety is really hard state of body and mind. it is overwork and exhausting. I can only see it in retrospect. When I was in it, I just thought I had high energy. Nope. I was in guard.

Please re-read my thread as you do not understand what I am saying and are answering questions I have not asked. I suspect this is a translation issue.

I am asking what other people do to make themselves safe and stay safe. As in, I do X, Y, and Z and these activities help me to maintain a sense of safety in my life.

Thank you.

 

[grit]

Please re-read my thread as you do not understand what I am saying and are answering questions I have not asked. I suspect this is a translation issue.

I am asking what other people do to make themselves safe and stay safe. As in, I do X, Y, and Z and these activities help me to maintain a sense of safety in my life.

Thank you.

You are right Eve. I did not understand what you were saying. I hope you find an easy way to soothe yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

@EveHarrington , just on the run, but internal things: warmth, comfortable clothes, shoes I can move fast in, coffee, nicotine ; thoughts: something I can read that reminds me otherwise (against my thoughts), an object, others being calm, kind; externally: sometimes running; going for long walks; (unfortunately) doing things less safe, eg going out when there are less people/ dark, walking on the Highway; relationally: speaking my fears/ thoughts (only with someone trustworthy), even if I don't understand all the "why's"; support, forgiveness. Fighting the urge to do it, trying to ignore the reasoning behind it.

:hug:

 

[meander]

Noticing is a good start- knowing it’s the safety need has been key to me addressing how to make myself safe.
I’m still new to it because I don’t know what safe always feels like and I don’t feel safe with myself.
Very simply for me currently a hug that is tight and firm.
A rough tangible object. (Because smooth makes me feel threatened)
Cold/fresh air- it means there’s space/escape route.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How do you FEEL safe?

I go hiding in the dark. Not sure if that's what you are after though. And not sure if that's helpful. Out in the world I have a service dog to help me feel safe. At work (where my service dog in training isn't at quite yet) it's a constant struggle. I stay away from people. I make very crazy moves when people come too close. It's getting harder and harder to hide I have PTSD there. Overall, at work, I compartmentalize then numb out all of those internal boxes.

Does the safety dance ever end? I don't know. Not for me it hasn't.

 

[Sideways]

Noticing is a good start-

This is such an important statement.

There is so often emotional reasoning going on with us ptsd-ers: I feel unsafe so I am unsafe.

One of the reasons that mindfulness (bleh!) has become such an important tool in recovery. Because it helps us get just enough distance to notice: I’m feeling unsafe right now. Noticing that this is a feeling we’re having can give us just enough cognitive space to make different decisions about how we respond behaviourally - do I actually need to run? Or do I need to reduce my panic and regulate this distressing emotion I’m having?

Noticing that we’re experiencing an emotion (feeling unsafe) gives us a chance to make different choices about how we decide to react in the moment.

 

[Freida]

Look for weapons. 60 second sweeps for danger. Always know my exits

After that comes safe people practice
I'm like a feral cat. Toss me some kibble and I'll come closer a little at a time. Try to grab me and I'm gone. It takes a long time to build my trust and it can only happen once I know how they react when I feel unsafe. Like taking off to a safe spot. I totally get why you won't say where it is. They keep badgering me = not safe.

At the same time I've learned here that I have to be better at communication --- telling them when I feel like that even if I don't understand why. Which is tough. But it's how I build trust in them. And I can't feel safe unless I can trust them ( as much as I trust anyone that is)