Enforcing boundaries or being mean?

[PreciousChild]

I feel like this is a minor problem compared to the others, but I really wanted some feedback. I feel like I have codependent tendencies, and have posted about them here. I think that makes me unable to know and enforce my boundaries. I did something recently that I felt was maybe progress, but it could very well be just the wrong way to go. I have a neighbor who is always asking for help and to borrow stuff. If she's expecting a delivery, she'll ask me to be on call. She'll text me to borrow sugar, milk, flour, and other items. I always thought it was just being neighborly to say 'yes' every time, but the fact is that I have never once imposed upon her for anything. It's easy to avoid having to ask for these things because there's a market literally a 2 minute walk away, which is what I do if I run out of ingredients. Recently, she texted me to ask to borrow my laundry card (for the second or third time) for our shared facilities - the machine that adds money to the card was broken and her clothes were wet and she didn't have money for the drier. I was out, so I said I'd be home in an hour, but I suggested that she could just go to the laundromat across the street. She said she was too tired to do that, and that she'd wait. When I got home, I was tired, I just wanted to cook dinner for my son and I and go to bed. As little an effort as it would have been, I still didn't feel like having to exchange the card, wait for her to return it, figure out how much money she used (the last time she borrowed it, I don't think she reimbursed me). So I told her that I lost it and wasn't able to let her borrow it. I was annoyed that she wasn't willing to put herself out, but that she was willing to put me out yet again.

It's wrong to lie. But I just didn't feel like doing it. The book I read on codependency said that was one sign that you were codependent - if you don't feel like helping, but you do so anyway. And I guess I have trouble just saying no directly. I'm pretty sure there was a better way to handle it, and I wonder how people would have handled it differently. Also, do you think I'm being petty and mean, or does it sound like she might have a problem with boundaries and I was right to feel annoyed?

 

[somerandomguy]

You are absolutely allowed to enforce your boundaries, and one of your boundaries absolutely can be "I just don't feel like putting up with [neighbor]'s crap today."

Honestly, it sounds like she's taking advantage of your inability to say no. You're a nice person, but you have to be nice to yourself too!

 

[Friday]

1. No it’s not being petty or mean to say no to a favor. Especially a favor that includes lending/gifting someone money.

Any time someone asks you a question “no” is a correct / acceptable / okay answer. Otherwise it’s not a question. It’s an order.

2. No idea if she has problems with boundaries, or not. She doesn’t have to have problems for you to feel annoyed, or for you to be justified in saying no.

 

[AliciaEff]

From what I understand about codependency, having that ine indication is not an issue. Being helpul is okay, and you were right to draw the line. It’s okay that you gad to lie to draw the line, but it might be better in the long run if you tell the truth. Something like “I donmt have time to help you today, I need to focus on my family.”

Your neighbour reminds me if a friend I had in my undergrad whom I stopped speaking too because she became too much to handle (plus she lacked empathy). My friend once asked me to wait in line for her at the university to get her picture taken for her new student card. It was the beginning of the year so some people were in line for 3 hours. I asked her, what happens when I get to the front of the line and you’re not there? She said “just stand to the side and let people go in front of you until I show up.” She honestly believed that it was not unreasonable to ask me to wait in line for HER photo of all things. She also once asked me to go to the store and buy her some stuff because she was too busy (at least 30 minute round trip). The point I’m making is that sometimes people ask for things that are unreasonable. Your neighbour asking once or twice for help seems reasonable and it was very nice of you to oblige, although saying no would have been equally acceptable. I think at this point, your neighbour asking for your help and seemingly relying on you has become unreasonable and you have much less of a reason to help her now than you did before.

If you want to continue lying, I support you. However, if you do continue lying, she might think you still want to help and she might keep asking. As long as your words are polite, you are 100% drawing boundaries and not at all being mean.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks for the advice, all. I got the affirmation that I was looking for. I think I was raised without getting enough permission to assert my own needs, so I'm not always sure if and when I can. I think the answer is why should I put other people's needs before my own? It's my life and I can choose what I do or don't do. It seems pretty simple, but I guess not when you're trained from childhood to live your life for your parents' needs

I think this is a really good point:

No idea if she has problems with boundaries, or not. She doesn’t have to have problems for you to feel annoyed, or for you to be justified in saying no.

It's my need to enforce boundaries, and I don't need to demonize or label the other to do that.

Thanks for sharing that story, @AliciaEff. It sounds like you're worse than me! Haha. That seems pretty extreme. You are really, really tolerant to have did those things for your friend. I didn't need to lie, and don't need to in the future. Had I not already said yes, I could have come up with a better rationale. But since I already said yes, I didn't think there was another way to get out of the situation.

Thanks @somerandomguy . You're always the voice of common sense.

 

[Abstract]

You absolutely and totally have a right to decide what you want and need to do. If you genuinely want or decide to do something with authenticity and self respect then that is healthy. Not healthy? Doing something when you dont want to do it are not really up to it or when you feel the other is taking advantage. You actually don't owe her an excuse. You could easily and very justifiably say to her

I was out, so I said I'd be home in an hour, but I suggested that she could just go to the laundromat across the street. She said she was too tired to do that,

..in response to this: I am sorry * but I am too tired to deal with this when I get home. Its only 3 minutes away so please rather go the laundromat. Hope all goes OK.

You comfort counts too. My personal code is to try to lie as little as possible and rather divert or deal with it directly but I think just not going into the old pattern is great progress.

 

[EveHarrington]

No, you’re not being petty or mean. You have a right to say no, even if for no reason at all. If it’s not a two way street, then I’d cut off helping her. You don’t owe her anything. :hug:

 

[PreciousChild]

This is a perfect reply:

I am sorry * but I am too tired to deal with this when I get home. Its only 3 minutes away so please rather go the laundromat. Hope all goes OK.

This feedback is so helpful in making me see how the echo chamber inside my head is still so determined by my childhood. It's getting through my thick fog that actually, I don't even need a reason for declining to help someone. That actually no one is entitled to my help. I kind of want to cry that I still think I'm selfish and immoral for not helping anyone who asks. I'm forty. something. years. old.

 

[Abstract]

? Im so sorry that your environment taught you those things and not to take care of yourself.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think it is totally okay to rely on white lies as you practice setting boundaries.

Something that comes to mind is our relationships to our therapists - we actually trust them more when they hold good boundaries, This friend might like and respect you more as you learn to say no. Often, for a lot of us (me included) saying no is terrifying, but the other party doesn't see it with the same gravity that we do.

 

[blackemerald1]

Don't respond to her texts and calls. Don't be 'on call'. I turn my phone on to silent and if I miss a call or text and I feel like it I respond. If I'm busy, tired, strange that day...I don't respond. If asked why I didn't I say I was busy, tired or strange at that time.

It's nice to be on good terms with neighbours - they can be lots of fun. But it's got to work both ways and you need to be respected. :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Or say "if you want the card, you're going to have to come to me. Oh, and just bring me the $$ you were going to put on your card... I'm busy." No explanation or apologies. If she's sincere she'll walk up and do so, if she is just using you she'll get pissy and won't bother. Either way win/win. You didn't refuse to help her, you refused to be walked on.