Sufferers: Why can you act 'normal' around others but not those most important to you? What should supporters do?

[Bananamango]

I have a severe fear of people so this is where I likely differ from others. I cannot chat up a store clerk because said store clerk is a person. Thus where my service dog comes into play. If he is there, on a good day, I can talk to people. If he is not there, I still have saftey on my mind and people are a saftey risk for me. On a really bad day, even when my service dog is with me, I may not be able to handle being around people...let alone talking to people.

Thank you for sharing. It really is appearing to be quite different person to person, so thanks for adding your experience. It has all been very enlightening, and helpful. I don't know what you have experienced, but it makes me sad to hear about your severe fear of people; I'm so sorry you got hurt that way. I'm glad your service dog helps.

 

[Abstract]

Symptoms show my trauma and that is for me to know, not anyone else.

This is an important aspects of this I didnt cover before. Its hiding this stuff.

 

[Bananamango]

This is an important aspects of this I didnt cover before. Its hiding this stuff.

I was wondering what you meant by that--can you give an example of how a symptom exposes your trauma? Only if you feel comfortable though.... Just trying to understand what you mean. Sorry if I'm dense and this seems obvious to you...

 

[EveHarrington]

I was wondering what you meant by that--can you give an example of how a symptom exposes your trauma? Only if you feel comfortable though.... Just trying to understand what you mean. Sorry if I'm dense and this seems obvious to you...

For me it’s evident in what triggers me. Touch, sexual activity, certain kinds of sexual content, etc. I’m a CSA survivor.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

can you give an example of how a symptom exposes your trauma?

I know you didn't ask me but I can give a HUGE example! I grew up in a cult. I brought cult rituals and still doing them into my adult present day life. Have since stopped but they are coming back. That would just be one example of many. Physically doing cult rituals.

PTSD is basiclly re-living our traumas in present day life. For me, that means very visual signs and symptoms (though not for all). Like, just the other day I freaked out because someone yelled at their dog that eccaped out the front door and it threw me into a very visually panic attack that my service dog then had to help me with. It was also very verbal.

But, it was just a guy yelling at his dog. Except, for me, it wasn't.

I got pissed off at myself, forced myself to Walgreens (with my service dog...and that's a small dose of people...and was only there 15 mins tops) and it was so bad that I drug in all my bought items into the house in one swoop and then slid down the front door and hudled onto the floor. Was a very symptomtic time for me but that also shows my trauma.

I will spend literally hours laying on the pitch black bathroom floor looking out of the crack at the bottom of the door. You really don't want to know why though. What happened back then that has is showing itself in the present day really isn't for others to know. Supporters really shouldn't know all the graphic, gory, details.

Another example is, I ask to be hurt during sex. He can refuse, obviously, but don't ask why I wanted to be hurt during sex.

I re-enact my trauma. As does so many others. I made a poll thread on here about that once and it was pages and pages long about how people re-enact their trauma. Except, that can be visually seen.

The point is, don't ask why. Don't dig for the graphic and gory details. That's for me and only me to know...and my therapist. But certianly no one else.

And that's also why I push those closest to me away. I don't want them to see all of this crap. It shows them all of my cards and those are my secerts, not for anyone else to know.

In addition, the above also causes me to do things like lash out, be irrational, have distorted thoughts, dissociate etc. So pushing you away also protects you from me. Very symptomatic me...but me nonetheless.

 

[Kubash16]

I haven’t read through the other replies yet so this may be repetitive. I’m still learning this whole relationships with other people thing. I didn’t have any consistent friends my age growing up and for a large part was kept isolated while being extensively abused so learning social things that everyone else does didn’t go very well. With my T’s help I am just now (at 27) trying to figure it out the right way instead of perpetuating abusive situations.

What are you thinking/feeling when you have to decrease interaction with us closest to you? Can you explain why you have to?

Most of the time it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with being overwhelmed. By chaos in life, by excessive social interaction with others, by normal stressors, by flashbacks or something of that sort. Decreasing that interaction helps me to recalibrate and restore enough energy to interact the right way instead of being a bitter b*tch towards everyone.

What are your fears if you interact with us (if you have any)?

That I will taint you with my ugliness and dirtiness. That you deserve so much better than to be saddled with someone like me.


When you are interacting with other people, do you actually feel sort of 'normal' or are you mostly faking it to appear normal?

Definitely feel anything but normal. I fake 95% of the time while counting down the minutes until I can be alone again. I’m starting to be able to be more me with a couple of people. But that takes a lot of trust. My trust tank exists on empty most of the time. I changed schools every year/some times every few months and through that got really good at reading how the other people interacted with each other and I figured out how to coexist with them without being bullied but that also meant no one ever got closer than an acquaintance.

If you are faking, doesn't that take a lot of energy too? (Wouldn't it be easier to just sort of isolate/interact less with everyone? Why just certain closer people?)

It would be so much easier to be a complete hermit. But that’s lonely and I want a family, I want friends, I want the full life that’s easy for other people to get. But yes it takes a ton of energy, a boatload of it. Some people are able to get under our skin better than others and we like you, feel some connection to you. Those certain people are given a huge level of trust when we react in “our normal” rather than continuing to fake it. If we are faking it with you, you are not close to us at all.

Do you feel bad you have to cut us out (guilt or shame, embarrassment?) or are you too busy just trying to survive?

A little of both. If I realize what I’m doing I do feel extremely bad because I know others don’t have to do it but I don’t always realize that I’m doing it until I’m way deep down.

Do you realize we are aware you are avoiding us/interacting with us?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

Do you ever worry when we give you space/change our normal pattern of communication that we are angry with you or that we might leave/abandon you?

Definitely. That is a concern that runs through my mind pretty much 24/7. I know you could have much better much more normal people in your life and don’t have to continue to deal with my issues.

Is it because we are triggering you? Would that fluctuate? (If we were a trigger, wouldn't we always be a trigger, not just in a cycle pattern when you isolate?)

For me you are usually not a trigger at all, it’s most likely a situation that was or something altogether different that we sometimes can’t even identify. I’m still learning what effects me what ways.

How do you feel when you try to 'come back' to us? What are you thinking then?

Hoping we haven’t f*cked up too bad.

**Forgot the last part. For me just keep doing what you do, keep everything “normal” and just understand that it may take me a bit to respond in kind. But I will.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Bananamango, this is my brief answer to each of your questions - I hope it helps :)

What are you thinking/feeling when you have to decrease interaction with us closest to you? Can you explain why you have to?

I feel overwhelmed and need no incoming data that requires a meaningful response or action. I do it to survive.

What are your fears if you interact with us (if you have any)?

I might get too stressed out and be pushed further away. Sometimes for ever.

When you are interacting with other people, do you actually feel sort of 'normal' or are you mostly faking it to appear normal?

Faking it - always.

If you are faking, doesn't that take a lot of energy too? (Wouldn't it be easier to just sort of isolate/interact less with everyone? Why just certain closer people?)

I will isolate from everyone if possible. Yes it is exhausting.

Do you feel bad you have to cut us out (guilt or shame, embarrassment?) or are you too busy just trying to survive?

Too busy surviving - worry about other emotions once I am through it.

Do you realize we are aware you are avoiding us/interacting with us?

Yes.

Do you ever worry when we give you space/change our normal pattern of communication that we are angry with you or that we might leave/abandon you?

Yes.

Is it because we are triggering you? Would that fluctuate?
(If we were a trigger, wouldn't we always be a trigger, not just in a cycle pattern when you isolate?)

I don't associate with people who trigger me - ever.

How do you feel when you try to 'come back' to us? What are you thinking then?

I'm don't want to be judged about it.

If we run into you:

Acknowledge like a normal person and move on.

Communication:
If we normally text or email you periodically, should we maintain the same pattern/level of communication,

Depends when you expect a reply - might be a while. Don't over do it.

When you 'come back':

Try to move forward without needing another break for a while....I guess.

 

[Bananamango]

I know you didn't ask me but I can give a HUGE example! I grew up in a cult. I brought cult rituals and still doing them into my adult present day life. Have since stopped but they are coming back. That would just be one example of many. Physically doing cult rituals.

Sorry, I meant to ask you, not Abstract! Quoted the wrong person. But thanks for answering, and anyone can add their two cents!

 

[Kubash16]

Sorry, I meant to ask you, not Abstract! Quoted the wrong person. But thanks for answering, and anyone can add their two cents!

For me there is probably a lot I’m not aware of or can think of at the moment. But my more trauma specific symptoms are stomach problems (nausea is my thing), headaches, and feeling trapped by touch or when people are in my bubble and shaking and needing to position myself for an escape.

 

[Bananamango]

@EveHarrington

Just an addendum, if you recall discussing how you thought my friend was being a bit cruel when he won't interact with me but is super-friendly in front of me with someone less important:

I ran into him again tonight.
He was a little more himself, he actually asked how I was and we had a brief chat, but he still didn't seem back completely.
A little later, he walked in while I was talking to the concierge and he started joking around with the concierge, almost being over the top and he's usually pretty reserved. (As I mentioned, I've seen this before, where he's almost his most animated with others when he's closed down with me--in front of me. And he's told me he has sort of social anxiety issues and is an introvert/loner, but seems like he loves it in that moment, and is friendlier just then with me too?!)

Do you think it's possible he's acting like that somehow for my benefit? So I'll 'see/believe' that he's 'actually doing okay,' (even if he's not) when he can't quite interact with me? I'm trying to make sense of it, maybe won't ever understand!

Anyone else relate to this or am I out to lunch with this theory?! Or is he just a cruel jerk! Lol.

 

[EveHarrington]

@EveHarrington

Just an addendum, if you recall discussing how you thought my friend was being a bit cruel when he won't interact with me but is super-friendly in front of me with someone less important:

I ran into him again tonight.
He was a little more himself, he actually asked how I was and we had a brief chat, but he still didn't seem back completely.
A little later, he walked in while I was talking to the concierge and he started joking around with the concierge, almost being over the top and he's usually pretty reserved. (As I mentioned, I've seen this before, where he's almost his most animated with others when he's closed down with me--in front of me. And he's told me he has sort of social anxiety issues and is an introvert/loner, but seems like he loves it in that moment, and is friendlier just then with me too?!)

Do you think it's possible he's acting like that somehow for my benefit? So I'll 'see/believe' that he's 'actually doing okay,' (even if he's not) when he can't quite interact with me? I'm trying to make sense of it, maybe won't ever understand!

Anyone else relate to this or am I out to lunch with this theory?! Or is he just a cruel jerk! Lol.

Are you two strictly platonic at this point?

 

[Chris-duck]

I've seen this before, where he's almost his most animated with others when he's closed down with me--in front of me. And he's told me he has sort of social anxiety issues and is an introvert/loner, but seems like he loves it in that moment, and is friendlier just then with me too?!)

Obviously, I dunno him so I could be way out. But I do this with my friends/partners (If I have one) all the time. Because to them I can be like "Yeah, cba chatting today, let's just watch Netflix in silence k ta", but you can't do that with strangers. It's really easy for me to switch on and be happy and cheerful with acquaintances because they don't care and they're not looking too hard, plus it's often a pretty short interaction. And then obviously to "play okay" for the acquaintance, I'd have to be the same with whoever is with me, for the acquaintances benefit more than owt else. Even if two minutes before I was a zombie completely unable to carry a conversation.

If he's doing it manipulatively, it could be cruel, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he's just not able to keep the act up for long enough to try with someone who knows him.