Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[PTSDGuy]

I'm glad your therapist was understanding too :)
And there's a difference between "I can't control smashing stuff, I wanna smash you", "I wanna smash -your- walls" and "I'm really mad right now" or "Sometimes I feel out of control so punch my own wall". Like it doesn't sound like you were being threatening at all. And anger is normal, and something they're trained to deal with, definitely not necessarily dangerous or a reason to dump someone.

I'm glad you've got that support.

Good point.

I guess saying I was so upset I felt like smashing walls doesn't mean I was going to smash him or destroy the place.

I just don't really know how to explain when I feel anger - I've never allowed myself to even admit how angry I am... It's always someone else's fault - then I can just blame them and not have to think about how it's not really them I'm angry at.

Some days it feels like the damn abuse has invaded everything in my life, and I just lucked out finding an amazing therapist.

 

[Chris-duck]

Some days it feels like the damn abuse has invaded everything in my life

I totally get this. But even if you step back, remove PTSD, remove trauma, remove the shittiness of the situation, even normal, good every day things that happened have affected you (All of us), like life experience changes people, it just does. It's how people don't stay children forever. And that's before any of it is traumatic. So yeah, abuse does invade everything, because for a while it basically -was- everything. Makes sense that it still affects things. I don't have advice, just yeah. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[PTSDGuy]

I totally get this. But even if you step back, remove PTSD, remove trauma, remove the shittiness of the situation, even normal, good every day things that happened have affected you (All of us), like life experience changes people, it just does. It's how people don't stay children forever. And that's before any of it is traumatic. So yeah, abuse does invade everything, because for a while it basically -was- everything. Makes sense that it still affects things. I don't have advice, just yeah. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I never thought of it that way... Sounds right to me, though! ?

I'm still getting used to the whole PTSD thing... The first time my therapist mentioned it, I was floored... It explained so much of how I think and act. But I do need to give myself a break - Even though it feels like forever, I only really started actually dealing with it four months ago.

 

[Chris-duck]

The first time my therapist mentioned it, I was floored...

Genuinely think everyone feels like "wtf" about this, hah, for various reasons.

But I do need to give myself a break - Even though it feels like forever, I only really started actually dealing with it four months ago.

And yes. Go easy on yourself, four months just isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, you're doing fine.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Genuinely think everyone feels like "wtf" about this, hah, for various reasons.

Wait, other people feel that too? ?

And yes. Go easy on yourself, four months just isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, you're doing fine.

I guess my brain is turning back into an 8 year old's brain... Four months feels like such a long time. This has felt like the longest week of my life... It feels like four months on it's own! No wonder four months feels like an eternity.

But yeah, when I analyze it, four months is really a short amount of time when you're an old guy... ?

 

[Chris-duck]

Wait, other people feel that too? ?

Ahaha, kinda varies from not believing it, to everything making sense, to anger, to whatever and all things in the middle. I had a "*Shrug* if you wanna think that, it's cool, but just so we're clear, you're wrong!" approach ;)

But yeah, when I analyze it, four months is really a short amount of time when you're an old guy... ?

Even if you're not :P Right, think how fast the past five years or so have flown in? Like somehow future five years is a total lifetime, but five years ago? Basically yesterday. But five years from now, you'll be able to look back at now and be like "yeah, it's flown in, but look how much progress I've made!" :P Time is weird. I'm the wrong person to ask, I have no concept of time at all :P But yeah, I'm gonna ramble at you anyway and hope somehow it makes sense :laugh:

 

[PTSDGuy]

Ahaha, kinda varies from not believing it, to everything making sense, to anger, to whatever and all things in the middle. I had a "*Shrug* if you wanna think that, it's cool, but just so we're clear, you're wrong!" approach ;)

I think I've felt every one of those in the past four months!

Even if you're not :p Right, think how fast the past five years or so have flown in? Like somehow future five years is a total lifetime, but five years ago? Basically yesterday. But five years from now, you'll be able to look back at now and be like "yeah, it's flown in, but look how much progress I've made!" :p Time is weird. I'm the wrong person to ask, I have no concept of time at all :p But yeah, I'm gonna ramble at you anyway and hope somehow it makes sense :laugh:

I wish there was a way to see how long everyone has been dealing with their abuse. You're all so intelligent about this stuff! Then again, I'd probably compare myself to everyone else and find a way to insult myself for being "slow"...

And when you're 58, five years in the future is almost retirement! I definitely know the concept of time, unfortunately. That's why I keep wanting to be over this yesterday! All I know is I will get through this! ?

 

[Chris-duck]

I think I've felt every one of those in the past four months!

Perfectly annoyingly, frustratingly normal. At least here it is :P

I wish there was a way to see how long everyone has been dealing with their abuse

Like if you mean here, you can just ask :laugh: If you mean outside of here, that's probably bad manners though :P

You're all so intelligent about this stuff!

LOL, we just chuck the same things back and forward to each other and hope it sticks for the other person tbh. And sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes it doesn't at the time but does later etc. Nyeh, apparently repetition and practice are key so I just keep rambling at people and hope it works :laugh:

All I know is I will get through this! ?

You will! And we'll be around to support :)

 

[somerandomguy]

I wish there was a way to see how long everyone has been dealing with their abuse

There is a wide range here. Some people on this site have been dealing with their PTSD for years. Some people worked on it for awhile, it went into remission, but then came back. Some people here are newly traumatized and are trying to avoid PTSD.

I was traumatized, as an adult, over 15 years ago and received my diagnosis about 12 years ago. But I didn't actually start working on getting better with any seriousness until 9 months ago. Now I feel like I'm really just starting to turn a corner, but I still have to be careful with triggers and moods.

 

[PTSDGuy]

There is a wide range here. Some people on this site have been dealing with their PTSD for years. Some people worked on it for awhile, it went into remission, but then came back. Some people here are newly traumatized and are trying to avoid PTSD.

I was traumatized, as an adult, over 15 years ago and received my diagnosis about 12 years ago. But I didn't actually start working on getting better with any seriousness until 9 months ago. Now I feel like I'm really just starting to turn a corner, but I still have to be careful with triggers and moods.

That's really great info, thanks. For some reason I never thought about all the different groups. I guess I'm so busy trying to figure my abuse out that I barely think of anything else.

When I'm not in the middle of one of my many crises, I've reading some of your blog @somerandomguy, and know you're still dealing with stuff sometimes, but I would never have guessed you've only been serious for 9 months.... Everything you've ever written to me makes me stop and think about how I deal with things. Or don't deal with things.

I don't know if it's good or bad to say you're smarter than a 58 year old, but I calls 'em like I sees 'em. ? . I'm really glad you're here.

 

[TTC18]

I had a "*Shrug* if you wanna think that, it's cool, but just so we're clear, you're wrong!" approach ;)

Mine was '*shrug* ok, whatever' - just.. not even caring. I still kind of feel that way. But I'm suuuuuper numbed out pretty much 99% of the time.

I wish there was a way to see how long everyone has been dealing with their abuse.

I didn't actually acknowledge that anything traumatic happened to me until June of this year. So 6 months. I've been stuffing it and pretending I was FINE FINE FINE for my entire life. I'm in my mid40s. And I'd probably still be pretending if there hadn't been a perfect storm of sh*t combining to break my brain. (adult child I adore and have doted on for her entire life teaming up with long-term stalker/abuser to stalk/threaten me).
I think you're doing great. And like @Chris-duck said, you just wait and see how much progress you have to look back on in a few years. :) :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

I didn't actually acknowledge that anything traumatic happened to me until June of this year. So 6 months. I've been stuffing it and pretending I was FINE FINE FINE for my entire life. I'm in my mid40s. And I'd probably still be pretending if there hadn't been a perfect storm of sh*t combining to break my brain. (adult child I adore and have doted on for her entire life teaming up with long-term stalker/abuser to stalk/threaten me).
I think you're doing great. And like @Chris-duck said, you just wait and see how much progress you have to look back on in a few years. :):)

I understand doing that completely... I've been great at finding ways not to deal with my stuff abuse... (Still working on saying it ?...) I managed to convince myself everything was fine even after I gained 100 pounds years ago.

I'm sorry about having to go through what your daughter and the abuser did. I understand the "broken brain" part. All kinds of things came together to make me finally deal with my life. It's hard to look at the bright side, but therapy and dealing with my abuse helped me lose the 100 pounds again. So, yeah, I'm a total basket case nowadays, but I'm a thin total basket case!

When I let myself relax a bit, I realize that I'm doing pretty well... and people on here never let me forget it! :hug: