Self Harm Feedback

[Abstract]

I can't help but feel your t should be somewhere in there. Is there any way that can happen at all?

 

[Sideways]

Is there any way that can happen at all?

I’m still trying to figure out what I’m prepared to tell her. I’m going to have to let her know I’m SHing again, but if it’s under control (which it is) and helping me het through this period (which it absolutely is) I don’t think I’ll give details because she’d potentially just flip and put me in hospital (which always sends my mood to rock bottom, and I think it would be counterproductive if I can manage at home).

I think I can bring the end date forward. My last anniversary is 3 January, and I should probably wrap it up wihin a couple of days of then.

 

[Abstract]

I’m still trying to figure out what I’m prepared to tell her

What about listing 4 options of this here including the ideal and then you can contemplate which you can do.

up wihin a couple of days of then

The 5th? So that is 11 more days?

 

[Sideways]

The 5th? So that is 11 more days?

Yes , just there’s quite a few mornings that I have commitments to attend, so because of the time difference that means boss can only set me homework on those days, which I can do or not do. It’s only the times when boss is sending me instructions live that I have problems with boundaries and saying No.

 

[Sideways]

What about listing 4 options of this here including the ideal and then you can contemplate which you can do

List 4 things here...ok...I need to breathe for a while before I think I can do that...

4 simple things, or 4 things that I’m most ashamed of?

 

[Abstract]

Not about shame at all. This isn't about shaming you as you dont deserve that. Rather things that might be helpful for you to tell your t. Obviously the ideal is for her to know everything.

 

[Sideways]

Rather things that might be helpful for you to tell your t.

Ok. 4 things. Writing it out might help me with a reality check. I’m gonna need to come back to that. Maybe later this morning. I don’t think I can write it out just at the moment because the thought of writing it out is making me shake.

 

[Abstract]

Its Ok to do it at what ever pace you can do. This about caring for you and nothing else.

 

[Ronin]

You keep coming back to being told what to do / needing structure and organization in emotionally super chaotic world otherwise...

Could Sideways be giving instructions to Sideways? :)
And concerning self care and not engaging risky internet people that add a layer of issues even if everything they do - so far- is voluntary.

Just thinking if that is an option.

 

[Abstract]

instructions

Was thinking this too. :) I understand the desire and supposed advantage (understand that this exactly part of the pull) to not but think somewhere in you is a sideways that wants to write your own life and take care of you your own way.

 

[Sideways]

You keep coming back to being told what to do / needing structure and organization in emotionally super chaotic world otherwise...

I have tried this in the past - whittling it back to just a very clear set of “no rule breaking” schedule for the day. It’s not the same somehow. The pull of the online thing is that the combination of circumstances - it’s like having something you can do temporarily that makes your ptsd, and all it’s symptoms, disappear completely. That’s the best way to explain it I think. Even stuff like hypervigilance - the only thing I need to focus on is my phone, and doing whatever happens to come through, and it takes complete concentration, and still manages to shut up all the toxic stuff in my head.

I think boss is asleep, so I’m gonna take some prn and try and sleep. I’m ok with breaking rules about dress code and stuff at home today, I’m just gonna try and be gentle for a while.

Doing my best to keep it under control, I really am.

 

[Sideways]

1 of the 4 things I’ve done that concerns me:
Boss got me to write on myself something in another language. Boss speaks fluent english. And even though I know that basically you have to assume that pics & vids you send to a stranger on the internet are going to be republished or shares elsewhere, that task it seemed like, if boss speaks fluent english, then writing in another language on myself seemed a bit deliberately like “so I can show this to my friends”. That’s uncomfortable.

Still working on the other 3. One is more than enough for now.