My life needs changes but I end up panicking and postponing them...

[SeekingAfrica]

What do I do in this case? How do I get better? Here is an example: I don't always make enough money with my current gig, so a large stress in my life is financial trouble when I need to juggle my current income. There are few ways to start earning more. One of them is through creating side business, which a. I used to do before b. I have researched for years and c. I am good at. As any side gig it needs time to develop. I maybe lucky and it may develop earlier, but safely estimating would be 6 months. So if I were consistently putting time in, I could be in better position in 6 months at most...

BUT that means that I have to work on it through all my mental ups and downs. Which are many currently. And whenever I have money issue something in it sets of my fight or flight- or freeze- PTSD radar. And suddenly it's not just a money issue, but a life issue. Suddenly every unanswered email or unwashed dish starts weighting on me, that particular money issue start to seem like something I'll barely survive(whether the amount is 1$, 100$ or 1000$...the feeling is remarkably the same), and until I 'survive' it I go into some vague freeze mode with a lot of panic in between. And then not only am I unable to work on my future, I also stop being able to do the regular daily things and my chests starts to constantly feel heavy and burning and I get the concentration of a toddler.

Logically, I know this isn't correct. I know I will get through, and since I will be alive and well in months, I should work on having less financial(or other- it's not just the money thing) issues. I know this is catastrophizing and all or nothing thinking. I know that even though last year was horribly hard, I did survive many, many, many hard moments. As far as track record goes, that is a good one. But in those moments I can't think clearly, I can't breathe and I can't think about future, I barely stay present. So I get panicky and jumpy and generally not well, do less and lead to more such situations. It's like a magic circle.

How do I get out of the circle? It's like I keep waiting to survive something to feel free to make changes.
Today is one of those moments. There is something that needs to happen next week and it's setting off my instinct to run. I had to do some things this morning but every time I tried I got so panicked I thought I would throw up. I know I don't want to be in the same position in 6 months- but I told myself the same 6 months ago and yet haven't been able to make huge change. I made some change, which is great, but how do I get the courage to make big change while having lots of anxiety and panic attacks and feeling like I'm 'making it' week to week?

 

[blackemerald1]

Incremental change... do everything in bits and plan, plan.

Can you ask someone to join you in these new ventures?

Don't try to make huge changes in one swipe.

Make a plan that gives you generous margins of error to accommodate your mental health moments.

On good days do more... or bad days forgive yourself.

Don't be so harsh on yourself... you have done so well but you minimise your achievements :hug:

I'm over simplifying here ...I know... it's very hard. The fact that you are thinking about this probably means you can achieve this.

Have a great 2019 :hug:

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Can you ask someone to join you in these new ventures?

Join me how?

Make a plan that gives you generous margins of error to accommodate your mental health moments.

Anxiety makes it seem like I can't allow these kinds of margins. Like I am not going to survive one event or another and I need to make change impossibly fast. As it happens in life, I do survive, of course... but that feeling stays the same. The one that makes you feel like you have to develop a side business in a week or know a new language in 2 weeks...you know that feeling?
Even today I got an anxiety attack for feeling that exact feeling about this week. It always seems like it's my last shot, it always seems like it's the most important thing in the world. And I can sometimes, like now, recognize that it's not true- at least not to such extreme. But it still feels that way to my body and my racing heart.

I hope I get better soon. I am, I was doing better, just took a bit of a deep dive around New Year. Still waiting on it to subside.

 

[The Albatross]

Your progress is and likely will not be on "your" schedule. But I can personally assure you that if you endeavor to do what you need to do each day, your perception of events will change. You've pretty much avoided that for a couple years... you can stay the same or endeavor to initiate a change.

Yes, avoidance. I commend you for that... remember it.

 

[PointlessExistence]

And suddenly it's not just a money issue, but a life issue. Suddenly every unanswered email or unwashed dish starts weighting on me

That's me. If I have something else I want to accomplish, I need to get everything else taken care of in order to feel like I can concentrate on it. So I become OCD about emails, dishes, laundry, etc.

Strangely there are times when something is weighing on me so much that it's the total opposite. I obsess about something negative to the point where dishes and laundry and email become a breeze, much easier than when I'm at an even keel.

 

[blackemerald1]

I meant a person who can join you in your new enterprise. Do some of the work.
Take some of the jobs that you feel less inclined to do bc they are not the 'productivity' side of your work?
Paid or partner in the venture?

Anxiety makes it seem like I can't allow these kinds of margins.

"Can't" is the magic spell word of anxiety.. I use it all of the time myself. But really if I am honest... it's won't do it or too exhausted to do it, or overwhelmed by it..etc... but rarely can't.

Have you considered using a proper paper page diary? Idk why but I have used one for so long now and it helps me to prepare for my day ahead, prioritise the present day and remember all the things I must get done. I've tried electronic diaries and they don't work for me.. I don't know why..

There is a reassurance in seeing something written down on the diary page that even almost on my worst days...I can push through and I scratch a big line or a tick through each task as I accomplish.

At the end of the day... when I am feeling like I didn't get anything important done.. or anything at all sometimes... I check my diary and idk how to describe it, but there is a little reassurance that I have done something today.

The very worst thing that happens is I decide the whole day is screwed and I cannot deal with any of my tasks - so they get pushed forward to the next day...

It's a real battle @SeekingAfrica - I'm so sorry you are finding anxiety hard to manage right now - you are not alone. :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Start making lists of things you need to do. Very small things can be put on the list, like “load the dishwasher” etc. It’s amazing how a feeling of accomplishment can propel you forward as you see all those check marks beside things you’ve finished.

 

[Teasel]

How do I get out of the circle?

The circle is caused by your PTSD symptoms right? Not by your not understanding how to plan & work on things.

So I guess learning as much as you can about Grounding skills, self soothing, stabilisation, learning about what sets you off panicking and what helps you remember that it's PTSD and figuring out what works best at returning you to a calmer baseline.

And then practising the hell out of whatever skills you learn?
Best to you, I relate to feeling like you're living in a washing machine / in stormy seas.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

The circle is caused by your PTSD symptoms right? Not by your not understanding how to plan & work on things.

Yes, absolutely. I am pretty great at planning and working on things otherwise. Especially when I really want something. When I found the university I wanted to study at, I spend 2 month studying all the time, took my exams, prepared documents and essay for 2 more months and 5 months later, I was in on early admission, before any of my peers had even taken there exams.

So I am pretty good in planning and being determined. But if the fight or flight things gets set off ever since I got PTSD it's like I check out and it doesn't matter how much I want to do something. In fact the more I want to do it, the worse that feeling is.

@EveHarrington Thanks! I wasn't able to do that much before, but I've gotten better. In fact it's the first time in years I have set cleaning routine and morning routine that I'm managing every other day. These help me feel more grounded and like I will manage...
Doing the same for work ventures is still work in progress, but perhaps I need to break down tasks to even smaller than I have so far. And see if that works...

@blackemerald1 Thanks! I have no help yet, hopefully in the future. Anxiety seems to be the biggest and hardest symptom I have, along with dissociation- hence my problem with avoidance. It seems to have gotten better with learning coping skills and going on the right medication, but then I hit the holiday season and took really big dive back into all of my symptoms. I knew it would be a hard time and still I could avoid it.

Oh, I do have paper journals too, and I cherish them a lot, I draw and write and make collages. But if I get too overwhelmed I can't do that sometimes, and so I have a computer diary too. Writing has definitely been helpful...

 

[grit]

I read your posts often but I do not respond as often as I read. I do not know what your basic ailments are but whenever I read your posts, I get the feeling (and I can be very wrong here), you are being supported by people that you do not feel safe with. and for some reason (or probably very good reasons) you do not want to or cannot make a break from this environment because it is the only thing you know and the thought of even believing the environment is bad or unsafe can be anxiety inducing and out of control, panic like feelings.

I wonder if you learn with the guidance of therapy how to consciously allow that it is unsafe environment but you need them for lifeline and see if that makes a bit of dent of the overall panicky.

If this post is too encrypted or mysterious, I am sorry and please disregard. I put it this way on purpose but I know you are intelligent enough to dissect.

I truly wish you well. You really do have a lot of potential.