Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[PTSDGuy]

Sounds like a very good idea.
Do you have any go-to strategies for relaxation and self care?

Yep... I'm on day 17 or something of meditation... It helps some.... It's probably a good time to do it... as bad as I am, it does calm me down...

Thanks for the support @bellbird ... I'm already calmer... :hug:

 

[bellbird]

I'm on day 17 or something of meditation

Hey that is fantastic! Way to go.
I meditated this morning, and am aiming to continue with daily meditations too.

Thanks for the support @bellbird ... I'm already calmer...

:hug: :hug: very glad

 

[PTSDGuy]

For the past two sessions we've been working on some heavy duty memories of my father raping me... Every time I go, I'm totally wiped out for days... and the flashbacks just keep on coming afterwards...

After last night's EMDR - when I was in the middle of the flashback - I wrote to my therapist... I think it fits here...

"IT WAS MY F*CKING PEDOPHILE RAPIST DAD’S fault… Every time… It’s like I just realized that for the first time….

NONE of it was me… He avoided me my whole life because he was a sick disgusting pedophile rapist…. And seeing me would remind him of raping me…. I knew I hated him…. I never knew why…. I thought it was because there was something wrong with me… I blamed myself…. My family hated me, it had to be something I did or was… I thought I was an idiot. Stupid. A freak.

I wasn’t a freak. He made me think I was a freak.

IT WASN’T MY FAULT. HE was the sick pedophile FREAK. I think this is the first time I actually BELIEVE it - I didn’t do anything wrong….. I didn’t do anything wrong… I was 8 years old…. These last few days I’ve been feeling the fear and the anger and putting it together with the flashbacks I keep seeing… I was a terrified 8 year old, not a freak."

I'm thinking maybe EMDR may be helping... It's like I feel hope for the first time that I might get through this...

 

[Still Standing]

Wow! What a tremendous break through for you!!!!!! You are 100% correct. It was NOT your fault...IS NOT your fault. What a clear and concise understanding you now have. You are experiencing the truth of what happened in your life and it will set you free from self-blame. How can a child be the perpetrator and blame for such horrendous actions against him, anyways? You have done some really hard work in EMDR! Of course you would be exhausted from it. Great breakthrough, @PTSDGuy!!! ??

 

[PTSDGuy]

Wow! What a tremendous break through for you!!!!!! You are 100% correct. It was NOT your fault...IS NOT your fault. What a clear and concise understanding you now have. You are experiencing the truth of what happened in your life and it will set you free from self-blame. How can a child be the perpetrator and blame for such horrendous actions against him, anyways? You have done some really hard work in EMDR! Of course you would be exhausted from it. Great breakthrough, @PTSDGuy!!! ??

I texted my EMDR T and he seemed to think it was really amazing too... Now I'm just hoping that it lasts! I've got so much practice attacking myself... Not sure what I'll do instead... ?

And last week, I was worried I was doing it wrong!

 

[Still Standing]

Yeah, I crabbed and complained that I was not getting the EMDR process too, thinking I was doing it wrong. Then during a session of it, things suddenly began to pop into place and “work”. As for you progress sticking around, it will. You may still have moments of regression but the sting of the trauma you are working on will be lighter. And it get lighter as you continue to process things.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Yeah, I crabbed and complained that I was not getting the EMDR process too, thinking I was doing it wrong. Then during a session of it, things suddenly began to pop into place and “work”. As for you progress sticking around, it will. You may still have moments of regression but the sting of the trauma you are working on will be lighter. And it get lighter as you continue to process things.

I think I'll have lots to talk about with my regular T on Thursday... The whole "not blaming myself" thing is overwhelming, but not in the usual bad way, if that makes sense.

@Still Standing I'm so glad to hear that maybe I'm handling EMDR OK... It's nice to hear from someone who's been through it... :hug:

 

[PTSDGuy]

I wish things had stayed positive... This week ended up being horrible... My feeling good lasted about 4 hours...

At work, they were back to adding clients to my caseload... The clients they let me give away a couple of months ago because I was overwhelmed were suddenly given back to me at a meeting...

My brain definitely isn't working well this week... The meeting started at 1:00... I thought it started at 2:00... So I showed up late. I've never been late to things in my life... until recently... I've always made sure I arrive early... Now I look like some kind of fool who doesn't care about time...

I sat through the meeting totally overwhelmed, and my brain shut down... They were going into all kinds of detail about new information we now need to keep on each client, and all I could think was, "I can't. I can't. I can't", and wanted to just scream at them all... But, instead, I somehow asked some kind of questions and looked like I was involved in the meeting, but I have no idea what I asked, or what they talked about...

I went to talk with my boss. I told her that I wasn't able to take more clients... In the past she told me she understood... Not this time... Her comment was "Well, maybe you need to take time off"... "Everyone is feeling overwhelmed with all the extra work".... I ended up telling her - actually, almost yelling at her - that those other "overwhelmed" people don't have PTSD.

I somehow expected more support, considering my boss also happens to be a psychologist(!)... and is disabled herself, and has accommodations so she can work... I figured she'd get it. Nope.

I've been trying to figure out how to handle things ever since... My T is going to draft up a letter basically explaining that I have PTSD and that I need to have less clients. We're supposed to have 18 clients, and I'm back at 23 after the meeting... Im just going in circles trying to find information on PTSD accommodations online.

I've been so buried with all of this and feeling depressed that I haven't even gone to the gym... Working out has always made me feel better, but I just can't get motivated... I haven't been this down in a long time... I just want to hide in the dark somewhere forever...

 

[somerandomguy]

You deserve accommodations. Can you get a note from your pdoc stating that?

 

[PTSDGuy]

You deserve accommodations. Can you get a note from your pdoc stating that?

My T is a doc, so hopefully that’ll work. I can get one from my psychiatrist If I need one I guess.

My T said he’ll put stuff in saying they need to give me accommodations. I just don’t know any except less clients.

 

[Still Standing]

I can see why you are discouraged and overwhelmed. Rightly so. But, there is hope. The letter from your psych doc will lend support and credence to your work situation. I would think if it does not produce a bit of accommodation for you, you would be able to appeal the work load on the basis of a medical challenge.

I wonder if your boss is somehow, subtly or overtly, bothered that you are asking for adjustments due to your PTSD, because she, herself feels overwhelmed and is not given the same consideration as you had been given...jealousy, perhaps? "Misery loves company", you know. If she is miserable and doing her job maybe she thinks you ought to be, too? Just a thought.

I am sorry you are walking in the muck, at the moment, @PTSDGuy. This path is full of sudden left turns and deep dives into the muck but, it does not stay that way, as you have experienced. You will rise back up to a better footing and be able to catch your breath. I think, in my experience, doing EMDR also contributes to the sharp dips and turns, in my "normal" daily life because it causes me to already be sensitive to the stings and fears from the traumas I am processing. So, any other angst that comes at me, between sessions, makes me more sensitive to the negative, and challenging issues that arise. Perhaps, this is the same for you.

I hope this new situation will have a quick and favorable resolve for you. Hang in there. And know that you have our support and understanding.

 

[PTSDGuy]

I am sorry you are walking in the muck, at the moment, @PTSDGuy. This path is full of sudden left turns and deep dives into the muck but, it does not stay that way, as you have experienced. You will rise back up to a better footing and be able to catch your breath. I think, in my experience, doing EMDR also contributes to the sharp dips and turns, in my "normal" daily life because it causes me to already be sensitive to the stings and fears from the traumas I am processing. So, any other angst that comes at me, between sessions, makes me more sensitive to the negative, and challenging issues that arise. Perhaps, this is the same for you.

Well, I managed to drag myself to the gym... and actually feel a bit better... I emailed someone to find out who in the company deals with ADA accommodations... and it turns out it was the same person... She told me to start with a letter from a doctor with all the info and accommodations needed... So, I kind of feel almost hopeful...

It's funny, before I started EMDR, I saw people wrote that it hits you hard between sessions... I had no idea what that meant until now... I was driving to work this morning and I suddenly burst into tears.... I don't even know why... But the idea the trigger could have been something connected to what I'm working on in EMDR is food for thought... Wow.

I feels like my brain is suddenly a teenager - I'm really thrown by all the highs and lows.. OK, well, the neutrals and the lows....