Relationship Is he coming back?

[Fleabug]

I came here at that exact time. And, well, just look at my username.

Mine never did come back. I still find this forum and insight from sufferers to be of comfort when I'm struggling with residual emotions (the suddenness and coldness of the break-up traumatized me in its own way). I do often wonder why I'm treated like something to be avoided, even now: I recently sent a brief, friendly email in an effort to reconnect. Figured I'd get an apology at best and an indifferent or even mean reply at worst. I got no reply instead.

Don't let my story discourage you. Everyone's different. I only share to let you know that you're not alone and you're not crazy, though this experience can be crazy-making.

I am sorry that yours didn't come back. This is terrible to go through. My only hope is that our almost 20 year friendship is worth him reconnecting. I did get the tiniest bit of attention from him on social media, he shared a post. I take that as a positive sign today. It's sad really, but it is something.

 

[LovingH]

Yeah, it is really traumatic. I've been through some bad breakups, but this feels worse than the rest. It's comparable to my divorce, and I'm not sure why. I just really felt a deep connection with him like I hadn't felt SINCE my marriage. And yes, like Fleabug's ex, my guy was amazing, sweet and giving. Was even offering to let me move in with him after the breakup, cuz someone had been shot a few blocks away from my house. He wanted me to be safe.

I just can't understand the Dr Jekyl/Mr Hide thing.

I've been talking to my friends a lot, cuz they let me know that I'm not a bad person, and that people care about me. With my own PTSD, it's so easy to drown in my own guilt and grief.

 

[LovingH]

I think sharing something with you is promising. I understand hanging onto every little thing. It means he's thinking about you, at least.

 

[Freida]

This may have been what did it, just as an educated guess from a fellow supporter. Transitions are stress. Relationships are stress. He may be having problems processing it.

Sufferer here -- and yep. I can hide my crazy for about 6 months before it starts leaking out. So I keep new relationships very superficial until I know how they will respond. What they say will happen is much different that what actually happens once they get a good look at the fun filled world of ptsd. And if I get hit with stress (good or bad) at the same time it's easier to just bail.

 

[LovingH]

Yeah, right around the time my ex started distancing himself, he got hit with a lot of work. He made it clear to me from the start that his work is what keeps him sane, so that takes priority. I guess I felt some of that distance he put on me, post-breakup, was because he was getting so busy. That was good stress for him. Not so good for me.

 

[Justmehere]

This might be helpful: My ptsd partner left me - now what?

Usually his anger and delusions center around his ex partners.

What do you mean by delusions? PTSD causes a lot of problems but it’s different than someone being flat out delusional.

Also when we broke up he absolutely refused to tell me he didn't want me anymore.

I would take the breakup as a breakup. I think rage-breakups need to be handled as actual breakups or the person learns they can do stupid stuff without consequences or they learn people don’t take them at their word. Not leaving you alone after a breakup is someone who is being a jerk and trying to cause you to feel bad, perhaps as bad as they do. Only speak to him if he treats you with respect.

I am not moving closer solely for him. I have family that I need to help care for.

Don’t move for him. Move only for yourself and your family.

 

[Fleabug]

This might be helpful: My ptsd partner left me - now what?


What do you mean by delusions? PTSD causes a lot of problems but it’s different than someone being flat out delusional.

I would take the breakup as a breakup. I think rage-breakups need to be handled as actual breakups or the person learns they can do stupid stuff without consequences or they learn people don’t take them at their word. Not leaving you alone after a breakup is someone who is being a jerk and trying to cause you to feel bad, perhaps as bad as they do. Only speak to him if he treats you with respect.

Don’t move for him. Move only for yourself and your family.

Probably not delusions, just that he decided to put what his abusers did on to me. Saying I am manipulative and stuff like that. I am definitely moving only for my family, it was just a perk that we would be closer. It is a strange break up because we have been friends for 20 years and I don't think either of us are willing to give up the friendship.

 

[LovingH]

I understood what you meant, but maybe a better word is "projection."

I too felt like my ex was projecting his ex who abused him onto me. Because a lot of his accusations didn't make much sense. Although, I will say, he at least said 'it seems to me like'...to sort of cover the bases.

 

[Fleabug]

The sad part is that he has children with both of his past abusers and they continue the abuse any chance they get. I know it is hard for him if the only relationships he had were abusive to understand that I am not trying to do the same thing to him. But yes, projection is the right term I think.

 

[LovingH]

He's known you for 20 yrs. But he still projects. That just goes to show how irrational these emotions can be. :(

 

[Fleabug]

It's really tragic. He still deserves love and the best of life.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’d slow down and put the moving plans on hold.

You’re moving too fast and I think it’s way too soon to move just to be closer to him.

Will you have any support there other than him when you move?

There are many elements of your story that others have experienced ie “I have known him for (decades) but we recently got together”, “this is a long distance relationship”, “I only see him a few days/week at a time”, etc (most of your story actually).......what I mean to say is that I suggest reading the forum to gain a greater perspective.

Since he’s an untreated sufferer, this is likely the best you can hope for, and I wouldn’t anticipate any changes in his behavior. Isolation is likely to repeat.

I don't think either of us are willing to give up the friendship.

Once you move from friendship to relationship, for many people there is no moving back to friendship so it’s relationship or nothing......and if he can’t handle a relationship, then it’s ultimately nothing.