Relationship Kidnapped and Sexually Assaulted Untreated Partner Left.

[Peaceful]

I didn’t find this site until after she left. I know her story. I knew there were problems dating her but I waited too late to try and understand. She abuses alcohol and is untreated for ptsd and untreated for alcohol abuse. She was kidnapped and sexually assaulted a year ago. She has been gone for a week. I didn’t handle the 4am departure well (I really had no clue about ptsd). After reading, I now believe I triggered her and she projected the past on me.

Read about the honey moon phase and then symptoms becoming apparent. Then the flee. It makes sense. It’s my story and all of your’s as well. Wish I had understood more before she left.

I freaked out for a day and prob made it worse. Day after, I took her a few things she had left at my place at her request (lived together for two months). She didn’t act mad or afraid.......more like I was a person she knew but had no relationship with.

I waited a couple days and then text her to ask about an important issue she had going on that day. She answered but still acted kind of indifferent.

I wished her luck and told her I missed her. No response. It is now three days later and I’m giving her space and not doing anything more. She always appreciated her space.

Thoughts? Give her space and wait?

I’m very new to trying to understand ptsd. We bonded very quickly and moved way too fast.

 

[EveHarrington]

My advice?

Let her go.

She’s has untreated PTSD and depending on her level of alcohol abuse she may be dual diagnosis which means her healing path is even harder and longer.

I’m guessing you two were still in the honeymoon period? It’s easy to love someone when you fall hard and fast. It’s a lot harder to love someone who has symptomatic ptsd.

If she gets into treatment, it’s better for her to just focus on getting better and not have to worry about a relationship, too. It took 10 years of treatment before I could have any sort of relationship. I’m in my 30’s....my current relationship stands at 10 months and it’s my longest relationship to date. I left guys in my wake. Didn’t care about them once I was out the door, but it was different on their end, much, much different.

I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but the outlook isn’t good for an untreated ptsd sufferer, especially one who is currently so self destructive.

I know your inclination is to help her, but the truth is that she needs to want to heal, and she may have to hit rock bottom in order to get there. Misguided attempts to help may actually prolong her recovery.

If you still want to help? Offer to get her to the people who can help her best, meaning a trauma therapist and psychiatrist. If she refuses, you have your answer.

 

[Peaceful]

Not the positive news I hoped for. It actually moved well a past the honeymoon very quickly. Everyone has said the same thing though. Poor girl.....hard to let go of her.

 

[Hojay]

@Jds_Trying I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard. But @EveHarrington is, as she often is, very right.

The thing is, you didn’t trigger her. She was triggered. That’s a big difference. With help and treatment she would learn to manage her own triggers, which is something you, as a supporter, can’t do for her. Meaning, even changing your behavior wouldn’t have guaranteed that she wouldn’t have been triggered by something or other, yes, even things that are totally acceptable for you to do. That’s the conundrum supporters of untreated PTSD always run into: do I accept the way I have to live to cater to her misguided coping mechanisms? You end up sacrificing a lot more than is acceptable to accommodate someone who is untreated.

I’d reframe what happened to say: this ended not because of what you did, it ended because she is untreated. Even if you had known all about PTSD before and had mastered the art of supporting, this would have been the outcome. You can’t win with untreated PTSD.

 

[Peaceful]

Thanks for the answer. Hard to cope with it..... The woman I fell in love with hates me.....

 

[Hojay]

It’s one of the toughest things to deal with, yes. The projections and distortions of our behavior to mean something they don’t. It takes superhuman strength to not take that on and feel some guilt there. But that’s where our work is required, to truly stay within our own reality and not take it on. It will get better with time, promise.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Would have to fully agree with @EveHarrington here!

 

[scout86]

The woman I fell in love with hates me.....

That might not be totally accurate. More than likely her thinking isn't clear enough to accurately identify who you are (threat or not threat?) and to accurately attach feelings to her present situation. What she's feeling might be pretty complicated and she might not understand that at all, herself.

When I first contacted my therapist, he told me "If you have PTSD (I do), its more complicated than you think and affects more parts of your life than you realize, and it's not the of thing that away by itself." I had no idea how accurate that was.

I hate to see people just get kicked to the curb just because they have problems. (Perhaps because I've been kicked to the curb a time or two.) Everyone benefits from having friends. Just realize that she's got some big issues to deal with and no one can do that for her. She doesn't need a white knight to rush to her rescue, she needs a competent mental health professional to help her work things out. Support from friends can't hurt, but she probably needs to sort her stuff out before she's ready for a relationship.

 

[Ronin]

Just from the trauma angle with that concrete trauma, kidnapping& anything that transpired in it?

Year is not even near to even begin dealing with it.

I am super surprised she was able to deal with the usual life + relationship / being near people, to begin with.

I would be glad for being honored with trust for so long... and move on, because that is very very early for any recovery beginning, and if she is not able to deal with life at large / tries to deal by drinking, romance is really off the table. Letting go might be helping her, too.

 

[Friday]

Year is not even near to even begin dealing with it.

I am super surprised she was able to deal with the usual life + relationship / being near people, to begin with

This.

A year out is nothing. A blink of an eye.

 

[LovingH]

Thanks for the answer. Hard to cope with it..... The woman I fell in love with hates me.....

I can relate. I have definitely felt like my ex hates me as well.

He got all distant after 6 months. (His issue is that he had an abusive exgf who killed herself on his birthday, after they broke up.) He definitely was triggered by me, and he projected his ex onto me.

So sad when the timing is bad, and someone just isn't ready for a relationship. A lot of us are in the same boat as you. :(

 

[lostforgottensoul]

A year out is nothing. A blink of an eye

Agreed! Hell, it took 10 yrs to be able.to come out of denial coming out of a cult. In those 10 yrs I just had f*ck buddies. My ex was the only closest to a relationship and he was abusive and that was 5 yrs out. Almost 20 yrs out now and still cannot handle a relationship. A year is nothing. Started to deal with it at year 10 and almost 10 yrs later and still not dealt with all of it.

Kidnapping is different from a cult but simular in a lot of ways too. It doesn't suprise me in the least that she's gone. It reminds me of what I used to do. Work a guy up then leave him high and dry. Also was super mean to them to try to ensure they left and stayed gone.

I'd leave her be. She has a lot to work out and being untreated and drinking, I'd guess she's in denial but neither are good for a relationship anyway.