ED Disordered eating

[ninja]

@ms spock I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. You’ve come very far and made a lot of progress. Had you eaten enough earlier that day? Were you feeling tired or overwhelmed? These are some of my triggers for ED stuff that also seem relatively common for other people too. Sending kindness.

@VioletButterfly I hope you are able to have and enjoy your meals today & the yogurt cups for your breakfasts! Sending kindness and support.

 

[ninja]

I’ve been feeling not-good in my body. I’m working through it by changing a workout routine, focusing on healthy food with some treats here and there.

I was looking back at pictures and videos from January and I actually think that was pretty close to an ideal weight for me. I realize that at the time I was aware of being somewhat close to where I’d like to be but I think there was still some body dysmorphia happening, which is a bit of a wake up call. I’ve gained a bit of weight since then, but I guess this is a chance for me to realize that gaining weight doesn’t have to be scary. Weight will fluctuate and it may not be comfortable but it will be okay in the end. This is all part of relearning how to relate with my body and with food.

 

[ms spock]

I was feeling very overwhelmed and tired. I have been skipping breakfast as I eat too much at night - became a cycle.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I’m working through it by changing a workout routine, focusing on healthy food with some treats here and there.

Weight will fluctuate and it may not be comfortable but it will be okay in the end. This is all part of relearning how to relate with my body and with food.

This is great! :)

As for me, I was able to stick to my plan yesterday in most regards; I changed up lunch options as I couldn't stomach chicken. I also made yogurt cups and will have one for lunch today. I'm trying not to be rigid and drill down on food options, but am trying to be kind of fluid as long as I'm getting enough protein. One of my slogans is: "Rigidity leads to breakage." I aim for flexibility because my history shows me that I have better outcomes when in this mindset. So, one day at a time. Yesterday, check, pretty good. I still need to aim at evening smoothies. Maybe after I move I can focus on that and getting back out to walk. My ankle, though very stiff, is doing a bit better. Still looks like it swallowed a buttermilk biscuit after I'm on my feet for a while though. lol. Right now, it's mostly a battle being waged in my mind, heart and soul. Compassion, compassion, compassion! Happy Trails. :)

 

[VioletButterfly]

I am so struggling with this. It feels covert. I know that sounds crazy, but well... ED kinda is. I know what's best. I know what's necessary. I've been down this road more times than even I remember.

I've sat here since early this morning and pushed off eating again to the point where I feel ill because I went ahead and took my supplements with coffee early on. So, it's 1:00 p.m. and I'm just now eating toast and an egg. Not because it is good for me, but because I don't want to feel ill. This is not where I want to be with this.

I did think about why I am doing this earlier this morning. I think it might be because I want everything to STOP right now. I want to stop the endless searching and applying for jobs with no results, I want to stop the endless search for housing while time runs out, I want to stop the fear that keeps washing over me when I catastrophize over the job and housing situations, and the violent man downstairs, I want to stop the thoughts and memories... So much that needs to stop. There is a lot to be stressed about right now, but I can only do what I can do. Then again, that never seems to be ENOUGH. So, I just want it all to stop and maybe I feel like the only way to do that is to stop me or to escape me.

Maybe I'm trying to control some aspect of my life as the rest seems scattered to the winds? Why would deprivation that harms my mind and body be a logical way for me to control my life? I could write a paper on this one, but I don't think it's what's going on?

Ugh. Well, one meal and supplements down. My emotions feel very unstable and variable, so I'm trying to be flexible in my thinking and show myself compassion, and hold onto what my faith tells and teaches me. Maybe I just need to get out of here and take a drive before the rains come. VB flitting out.

 

[ms spock]

I am still struggling with this big time but overall I am not putting on too much weight. I am still avoiding my feelings.

 

[ms spock]

Maybe I'm trying to control some aspect of my life as the rest seems scattered to the winds? Why would deprivation that harms my mind and body be a logical way for me to control my life? I could write a paper on this one, but I don't think it's what's going on?

You are being too hard on yourself. It's this - with everything that's going it's absolutely this!

 

[ms spock]

This has gone belly up. I am staring to work and it is a big adjustment.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@ms spock - Thank you. I think I'm just freaking out and struggling to control, and, yes, am hammering myself. It's a struggle as I'm sure you can appreciate.

I'm trying to stay away from trauma triggering things, but one rages below me constantly so I'm working to secure a new place with no neighbors underneath me. The other is my mind looping with memory flashes and negative self-talk. That, I can't seem to do much with for any period of time so I am focusing on jobs and situating where I'll be living in 2 weeks - both are up in the air right now. I think I'm kind of accepting that part of this up and down, back and forth instability is the nature of what's brought me here to this community and part of me just won't accept it. This part thinks I caused it all, so I should fix it all and that I'm just lazy. Argh! I've still got skin in this game, but I'm awfully tired. Still one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. That's the mantra anyway.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Working on acceptance and workarounds, and balance. "Working" being the operative word. Behaviors are still here with me. They seem to be patterns right now. Just hanging on until I can get resituated. It does no good to fight them right now, so I'm opting to just go with the flow and mitigating my thinking about this with compassion.

I read an interesting article on the Tiny Buddha website which popped up after I Googled "What to do when you don't know what to do." It seems any decision is better than no decision and second-guessing is not a good thing.... neither is catastrophizing. Hmmm, I have a PhD in both, thank you.

Uggghhh, my wings are a bit dusty from dragging along the ground. Praying and trying, hoping this will turn around at some point.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Letting go of the day at the end of the day, totally so on the mark of what I needed today.

I also need to go to bed and be in bed reading before my Endep kicks in. I think I could cut out comfort eating/ binge eating on the whole in the night if I did that, I can make it a routine. Medication at 6pm bed at 7pm, reading until the Endep kicks in. That could be a really good routine for me. It would make it much easier for me to resist binge eating and comfort eating at night by not going in the kitchen, I find myself in the kitchen looking in the fridge multiple times a day, and I getting myself to walk away now, but if I didn't go in the kitchen at night, and I am not alone feeling those feelings but tucked up in a comfy bed with B. It could work.

Christmas as a trigger

I go visit distant relatives @Christmas and Thanksgiving. I find I eat a lot less when I’m not at home on these holidays and stress is much lower.

@ms spock - Thank you. I think I'm just freaking out and struggling to control, and, yes, am hammering myself. It's a struggle as I'm sure you can appreciate.

I'm trying to stay away from trauma triggering things, but one rages below me constantly so I'm working to secure a new place with no neighbors underneath me. The other is my mind looping with memory flashes and negative self-talk. That, I can't seem to do much with for any period of time so I am focusing on jobs and situating where I'll be living in 2 weeks - both are up in the air right now. I think I'm kind of accepting that part of this up and down, back and forth instability is the nature of what's brought me here to this community and part of me just won't accept it. This part thinks I caused it all, so I should fix it all and that I'm just lazy. Argh! I've still got skin in this game, but I'm awfully tired. Still one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. That's the mantra anyway.

@VioletButterfly When I was “in-around constant triggers, I took creative time to draw, do art, wearing full headphones on ( buds weren’t good enough to block out noise). Same concept is used for autistic folks where noise triggers- reducing stressors. The
silence( w/o the negative noise) and/or positive music that drowned out the noise helped a lot. I’d headphone in the tub, in the bed, while reading, cooking, etc. and that was helpful- at night I sometimes wore earplugs so I wouldn’t be woken up by noise! Just an idea that worked for me.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Yeah well I am not going to torture myself over what was my only real life skill, other than dissociation, depersonalisation or derealisation to cope and survive. Now near enough it is just good enough. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be good enough. If a stuff up, well that is to be expected as this has been my main way of coping.

I totally understand the term “stuff up” and it describes it in such an appropriate way for how I cope, too. The term sounds funny cause I never heard it-but it is a right on description.?