Relationship He stopped communication; will he come back?

[AllConfused]

So based on yourself, really all it was what he could do to get away from whatever perceived danger there was between us. Makes sense!

How much time will pass before you will not need to get away anymore?

 

[WTF Happened]

As non-sufferers we often think things like, "it's been two weeks, hasn't that been enough?" Because we think about these breakdowns in terms of what it's like when we are overwhelmed: we get away from the source of stress, we mellow out. But that does not seem to be the case when it comes to untreated PTSD. It's not a mood you're waiting to pass, it's always present.

Even when things were going great between you two, it was still there. But when it's a new relationship, the symptoms can be tamped way down by all of the love and excitement. I wonder if that's why there are so many stories on here of fast-burning relationships that feel like once in a lifetime kind of loves. Sufferers thrive on those feelings because they provide a protective layer between themselves and their symptoms. But when that newness fades, the symptoms are still there. That's what you're seeing right now. (Any sufferers reading this, please tell me if I'm way off base here!)

It is not just space he needs, but he needs to avoid anything emotionally charged. For better or worse, you are associated with strong (positive) emotions. To us, these emotions feel good, feel supportive, but to a sufferer they can be a huge source of stress. And when someone with PTSD becomes overwhelmed with stress, it doesn't feel the way it does for us when we feel stress - it feels like fatal danger. If you haven't already, read the PTSD Cup Explanation.

And to understand why, even when his stress cup stops overflowing, he might still want to avoid you, check out this one: Why People With PTSD Use Emotional Avoidance To Cope

Feeling like you are someone to be avoided hurts like hell. Being pushed away really hard when you didn't do anything wrong is mind-f*cking. But you have to remember it's not personal.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I know my combat vet needed to not have empathy to take the lives of so many in the face of danger.

That’s not how combat works at all, and has nothing to do with PTSD. This has nothing to do with what’s happening in your relationship.

However... Emotional Numbing is a symptom of PTSD if you’re talking about a lack of empathy or affection. It’s easier feeling no emotions at all than lots of horrible overwhelming emotions.

“Two weeks” is probably only something that is bothering you. Often, in the midst of stress, the concept of time will get away from them. guarantee he is not thinking about how long it’s been since he’s spoken to you.

He has still responded and said he doesn’t want to end things... perhaps he just needs a little space, especially if your recent conversations have been stressful “relationship talks”. What may seem totally normal to you can be hugely stressful to him.

Only you can decide what you’d tolerate in a relationship. If this is a dealbreaker for you, than it is best to walk away. If it’s not, then do some research on PTSD and give him a little space to see if he comes back around.

 

[AllConfused]

@WTF Happened...your posts give me so much knowledge about something that wasn’t ever on my mind. Learning so much about PTSD, thanks to you! The emotional avoidance and stress cup make perfect sense to me. I wish he had told me how serious his combat ptsd was so I would have researched on how to support and relate to him. The picture he painted was that he was emotional stable and nothing was wrong. I wish I knew all of this then my interaction with him would have been different. He was so normal, I just had no idea. Looking back, he was hiding it from me and when it surfaced, he just ran away instead of telling me that he was suffering. It breaks my heart and makes me want to cry to think of the suffering he’s going through without letting anyone know.

He avoided talking about all of ptsd except for one thing that he can’t sleep because of night terrors. The drowning analogy makes sense too and thus, I’m not at all upset at him, but feeling very empathetic and wish he’d let me help him where I could and how I could.

@Sweetpea76. You’re absolutely right! I’m selfish to think 2-3 weeks is already too long. As for him, he’s just trying to survive and should go at his own pace.

I have come to terms and am not hurting deeply like before. I will let him go.

I’ve never met such a beautiful soul. So strong and dominant, yet so vulnerable and tender. He was very good to me; loving, respectful and never once lashed out at me. Our love was so deeply intimate; I hope he’s able to think about the good times and let it calm his heart and soul.

I love this man very much, with all his darkness and his “uglies” (that’s what he called them)...ironically it’s the things he hates about himself that make me love him sweetly and intimately. And I do hope one day he comes back to me so I can at least be a friend and take care of him however a friend can.

 

[AllConfused]

I do miss him tremendously and yearn and long for him everyday since. ??

 

[WTF Happened]

I'd be careful with the if only's. The truth is, it most likely wouldn't have made a difference. Just look at some of the stories on here by supporters who were with their sufferer for years and knew about their problems intimately, only to be met with the same truth: you can't help them. Only they can help themselves, if and when they're ready.

You sound like you've got a great head on your shoulders. You're going to be okay :)

 

[Tinyflame]

So based on yourself, really all it was what he could do to get away from whatever perceived danger there was between us.

Well, not exactly. ^^ Get away from the perceived (bad) end of trusting, +/or dragging someone in to your life, which often isn't pretty.

How much time will pass before you will not need to get away anymore?

Idk , it may be never, or it may be tomorrow. I wish I had the ability to simply choose. At the time it seemed like the best/ least deleterious decision for all. I'm ashamed I did it if it had any impact, but in another way I can't regret what at that time made no other sense to me. In terms of temporary withdrawl, I would suspect always if symptomatic, around most people.

As to the other question, I never returned permanently to anyone I left.

But that does not seem to be the case when it comes to untreated PTSD. It's not a mood you're waiting to pass, it's always present.

Yes, treated or untreated it's present. For me, barring most times it's a question of identifying and managing one part of it or another. Even good times don't mean there won't be triggers, avoidance to battle against, sleepless nights, a flashback or 2, or other issues, and related or unrelated depression and anxiety. I think it became much harder when my body wouldn't conform to the same pace I used to keep up. Just my thoughts though, and everyone could be different.

ETA though, I am forgetting where I am now or how far I've come, and the shame and guilt I should shed. I wouldn't want to go back to that time for a million dollars. Not because of who or how others were, some were good people, but rather because of who and how I was, and how I felt.

 

[Freida]

I started this thread ages ago...lots of good info from sufferers and supporters in the discussions that might help
What are they thinking

 

[WTF Happened]

As to the other question, I never returned permanently to anyone I left

@Junebug I know something a lot of us ex's wonder is... why not? Talking about the good relationships. If you were able to get to a point where you can look back on the decisions you made at the time, realize they were mostly a response to symptoms you were experiencing, and take an objective look at that relationship and realize, hey, that was actually a really healthy relationship... why not go back? Who knows where your ex would be at and if a restart would even be possible, but why not reach out for at least some kind of reconciliation if this was a good person who cared about you?

 

[AllConfused]

@Junebug Everything makes so much more sense now! No wonder he said being with me distracted him from having intrusive thoughts or thinking too much about it. I had no idea the severity of combat ptsd, so unknowledgeable then. Thought it was just something mild but now after extensive research, I know better.

And you’re right, @WTF Happened. The if only’s are dangerous, but I really do wish I knew more so I could have been sensitive about it and would have had the answers instead of suffering for 2 weeks, feeling “wtf happened” when things started deteriorating. I feel like I could have saved our friendship if I had known why he withdrew.

And thank you @Freida. I read several pages of your thread and the common theme is they don’t come back, just as Junebug said so herself. That really breaks my heart.

We are in 2 communities online together as we share common interests, and seeing each other online everyday. We are still friends there. Should I just leave these communities completely? I find it painful to see him online but I also find great comfort in it, that I haven’t lost him completely..it’s a strange feeling.

I truly deeply want to salvage our friendship. To be his friend, his confidante, his safe place, as someone he can confide in and trust when he can’t trust anyone, but nothing more, no relationship.

I just don’t know what to do in order to achieve this and if it’s even possible. Just stay away? And wait till he comes to me? What if it never happens? OR go off the radar completely and out of his life forever. I just want to break out into tears typing this.

 

[AllConfused]

@Junebug I know something a lot of us ex's wonder is... why not? Talking about the good relationships. If you were able to get to a point where you can look back on the decisions you made at the time, realize they were mostly a response to symptoms you were experiencing, and take an objective look at that relationship and realize, hey, that was actually a really healthy relationship... why not go back? Who knows where your ex would be at and if a restart would even be possible, but why not reach out for at least some kind of reconciliation if this was a good person who cared about you?

Yes this!! We were so good together and the only reason why we couldn’t come back from our arguments was the PTSD, it was right around Memorial Day weekend, and he withdrew bad. He did tell me after that this day is bad for him and he drank to honor his fallen brothers. I was so clueless. I just took this as his way of pushing me away when in reality, he was in an episode.

So to resonate with this post, why not come back to someone who was healthy for you @Junebug? When the mental and emotional connections were just mind blowing and the sexual and emotional chemistry was just right and amazing? Even if sufferer isn’t able to have a healthy relationship, how about reconcile to have a friendship instead of losing each other permanently?

 

[Freida]

g? Even if sufferer isn’t able to have a healthy relationship, how about reconcile to have a friendship instead of losing each other permanently?

In my mind there is no difference between a romantic relationship and an friendship. If I'm bailing on one I'm bailing on the other. its impossible for me to just take a step down into what supporters think of as less pressure situation and stay friends. Once I'm gone I'm gone.