ED Disordered eating

[VioletButterfly]

Well, I'm upset and working on acceptance of a fact, but it hurts. My ED online support group website went down in December with the promise it would come back up shortly. It still isn't up and I don't really think it will return. We were given no notice, so no one could prepare and get each other's email addresses or say goodbye. It just ended with a small comment on Facebook. Another soul has also been checking regularly and posting on the Facebook page occasionally. She posted again yesterday regarding her disappointment and someone commented back that she didn't think it would return. I think that's when I started thinking about it really being gone forever. I've been a member since back in the 2000s between it and the original website.

It was a unique group and there just isn't anything like it online. It was such a nice, rather small community of very kind, supportive, and giving people. We would talk about life as well as what we had on deck and how that affects everything in our world's just like we do here. We celebrated and cried together. I ust miss the people and their hearts. It was like a little sewing circle, only we weren't sewing together quilts, we were sewing up one another's broken places. I cried very hard last night and I'm crying now. I just miss them and what we had as a family.

I did visit the NEDA website and found a couple of local groups that meet up and I can always go back to EDA or OA. I'm not in the right mindset for that right now, but it's there. I did, however, see a link to RecoveryRecord. One of the girls used to say this was a wonderful help to her. If/when I upgrade my phone, I'd like to check that out. It's free, my phone just won't hold the download right now as I have a granny phone, 4si, lol. Thought I'd mention the app in case anyone would like to check it out.

 

[ms spock]

I have fallen off the wagon and down the rabbit hole. I am not doing well with this at all. I am up nine kilos and struggling. I have gone up on anti depressants.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I have fallen off the wagon and down the rabbit hole. I am not doing well with this at all. I am up nine kilos and struggling. I have gone up on anti depressants.

Yeah- decided to lose weight and gained. I swear by Premiere Protein( Choco shake) 30 grams protein- 160 calories-I add milk- helps w energy and weight loss if consistent- up 20 lbs from last year.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I have fallen off the wagon and down the rabbit hole. I am not doing well with this at all. I am up nine kilos and struggling. I have gone up on anti depressants.

Sitting outside waiting for you. Shining my flashlight down inside. Look for the light, sweetie. If not mine, see yours. VB

 

[ms spock]

Thanks @VictoriaButterfly I am not doing well with this.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@ms spock - Yes, I see that and am concerned. Still shining a light for you while you find your own. I wrote you a very long response elsewhere so won't tax you here. Please take care of yourself and know that I have very strong wings for my those I care about, so feel free to lean in. :) VB

 

[ms spock]

Thanks for your comments - most helpful @VioletButterfly. Struggling at the moment.

 

[ms spock]

It's bad, really bad at the moment. I am so ashamed. I have to learn to sit with the feelings. That I am really struggling with. I have mostly numbed out on food since I was a small child. It is such a big change.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Continuing to work on this. I'm doing pretty well with "brunch" and my supplements. I put together yogurt parfaits last evening so that they're at the ready this week. I also bought some turkey and fixings at the deli as I don't want to cook this week on top of packing up/cleaning everything. I've been doing some menu planning and making small purchases accordingly. I'm working on self-care through all of this or in spite of what's going on. I even gave myself a mani-pedi and put on cute twinkle pink polish. I'm sorry to say, that was a huge feat (no pun intended) for me. I think I have a serious case of depression going on with a huge side of anxiety.

I'm definitely dealing with two parts of myself right now. It's making life very difficult, but I'm really learning what self-compassion looks like because I'm continually having to soothe and broker a peace/compromise with my scared- to-death self. Not that I'm doing such a great job, but I am at least recognizing the effort being put forth and I'm continuing to try different things to keep moving forward. I guess I'm learning-on-the job as it were. One day at a time.

 

[VioletButterfly]

It's bad, really bad at the moment. I am so ashamed. I have to learn to sit with the feelings. That I am really struggling with. I have mostly numbed out on food since I was a small child. It is such a big change.

When I started therapy many years ago, I was never taught coping mechanisms. Not a single T gave me anything aside from "breathe." Worthless and a waste of money! Anyway, it wasn't until I joined an ED forum that I discovered tools to help me - distractor tasks, DBT skills, journaling, getting out into nature, changing the scene, etc... It's like I was just supposed to snap out of it and stop a deeply ingrained behavior underwritten by a belief system I didn't even know existed until I came to this website. Huh? My first T even told me that I was committing slow suicide! What?! Treatment(?) with her entrenched the behaviors and married them to trauma. Thank you.

So, what has worked to help you work yourself out of this pattern/behavior in the past? Are there other coping mechanisms you could try to employ to stand in for food? I know it's been a life-long behavior, but can you make a small step in a different direction as you have before? If you'd like, I can try to find the distractor task list and copy it out here for you. I find the DBT skills are helpful too. Take care of yourself. VB

 

[HealingInProcess]

It's bad, really bad at the moment. I am so ashamed. I have to learn to sit with the feelings. That I am really struggling with. I have mostly numbed out on food since I was a small child. It is such a big change.

No need to feel shame. It's hard to change these habits which have been with us for so long. I find for myself I just like the feeling of satiety that comes with food and that's why I eat. It's also just distracting and the sugar is a plus for the serotonin boost.

 

[TruthSeeker]

When I return from vacation, I'm planning to take that time to tackle my sugar addiction, get back on the exercise track, and lose about 20 pounds. The first 3 weeks are hell, migraines, fluctuating sugar, and depression. Wanting to eat, when crap is overwhelming is an awful feeling....but in the moment....I'm believing it helps. Sodas are my downfall-yes, the ones that give a serotonin boost.