I really appreciate that @WTF Happened , and thank you for saying that. :hug:
This is hard for me to write, and I apologize I can't read all of what was said before, this may be useless or redundant.
I agree. ^^
^^ I relate to this. Though I have tried very hard, or keep trying, to change my ways/ self.
These quotes remind me of something (at first it might not seem related, but please bear with me, I will try to land the plane, all the TED Talks below refernced at some point ptsd, if I recall accurately, did not bookmark them):
I heard it stated in a TED Talk that suicidality was actually not higher in those Vets deployed. This Veteran speaking theorized it has more to do with the culture of silence, ramifications, etc, . But that this (all) goes back to growing up being taught (implicitly or explicitly) to hide one's feelings, deny them, suck it up, and get the job done. In all those regards I relate more to (definitely) being raised like a 'man' (not cruelly, however); perhaps I even chose it of my personality- who knows?
Further, another TED talk with a former marine who got ptsd and tried to kill himself, he referenced the shell @Freida mentioned, and many of us relate to, he said 4 things (can't remember 2 of them) matter in prevention, including having a purpose, and feeling like you matter- that your existence provides a sense of safety and protection to someone else's world (his mom he referenced), and so their life wouldn't be the same without it. (And it made me wonder if that thought of his about safety and protection arose because of his own sense/ inernal thoughts, of what he needed. also?) Not just that a person was loved- but their existence mattered. Which is not worth as an individual, but within relationship to others.,
The last TED Talk was a researcher/ suicidologist who said SI as described in years past as a 'psychic ache', that if he went through the crowd and hit everyone in the forehead with a hammer and kept doing it, eventually everyone 'would want out'; not some (they would take longer), but 'all' (his opinion). But no one would think of family, friends, their job they love, etc, at that moment. They simply "couldn't".
He also said relationships, then finances, then legal issues, were the Top 3 Tipping Points. And that it was like adding drops in to a cup ready to overfill (like the Stress Cup?). And that everyone looks to blame the last few drops, but really the cause is much deeper. (And also, oddly, that end-stage renal disease has a higher likelihood; we know the increased base level of adrenaline/ cortisol etc we often face with ptsd puts a load over time on our kidneys).
Why do I say all this that seems to be unrelated? Well only because SI is the pinacle of escapism, 'leaving' and avoidance, and just as the few drops tipify or magnify only a tiny window of knowledge of the whole picture in that case, to me relationships are the same. We see only a small window; we know and are getting to know each other and updating it only with time; we (as individuals) may begin long before being in adult relationships with patterns or expectations and fears we don't even know we have, let alone realize they're self-limiting, leading to things like difficulty with emotions, self-disclosure, letting anyone in, asking for or accepting help. And now add in what reinforces that, or we selectively (albeit even unconsciously) see as evidence to support our beliefs. And those beliefs may really need to change, to both be a supportive partner or accept it in/ from another. It covers everything from trust to safety, and the spectrum from complete incapability to reasonably managing and thriving. I think most of us land somewhere in between. There is basic incompatability,, of course, but the work on (each of) ourselves remains necessary to grow or change. And it can be a really steep learning curve (though perhaps one that is of benefit for the person's entire life, and 'entirity of life'. But it might take brutal struggle, vicious self-honesty, and much pain, trial and fear to get through some (many?) steps. And the worse the wounds, the greater, and maybe longer the struggle (the peeling-the-onion-analogy).
As a person not directly involved, this is easier for me to say ( :rolleyes: ), JMHO: be loving to yourself, and be loving to others (this does not mean at the expense of yourself); choose what you can imagine you'd least regret; follow your instincts and knowledge, both over your lifetime, what you are learning, and over what you learned in your relationship. Much like the Serenity Prayer I suppose, accept what you cannot change, change what you can, and have the wisdom to know (learn) the difference. Which is why it's serenity/ peace.
ETA I know somewhere @Freida said about feral cats, Idk much about cats but I agree. Or I look at my sister's previously-so very very severly-abused dog and I marvel at the change in her, 'no one' would realize, and wonder if it's because she is in the moment/ forgets? But I know her triggers- so whatever it is (?) it's more than that that makes it possible. (And before anyone says "she's just an animal"- she has a higher IQ than me. ;) :laugh: )
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