Hi everyone,
I have just began to address my issues. I guess i thought i could go through life cruising it, despite being aware tat there was something really off. But its always the same story - no matte rhow much work i do, languages i speak, good looks, emoional intelligence courses - i always end up in the same situations. In my case, its always being attacked or bullied.
I always find allies, but its frustrating that I ALWAYS become a target. At first people are a little intimidated by me but very soon something gives it away and i am a target until i need to exit the group / situation. I have tried to escape so many ways - changing schools, country, job, even line of work - to no avail. Hurtfully, many female new members of my family also attack me after a while, teaming up with a childhood family bully. Worst of all, i tried telling this to very few people, even 1 or 2 therapists, and they all sort of treated it like i was exagerating or had some sort of deformed vision of reality. Bitch i can tell im being bullied thank you very much! Im not crazy for f*cks sake. Its ok you can laugh XD.
Anyways PSTD seemed like something only war vets go through and i just refused to look into it even though i bought a book about it years ago, because i do hypnosis and it had material to treat PSTD. However, probably bc of fear, i never even opened it. Mind you one of my stupidest traits is i am so proud, ever since i was a kid, hence the difficulty to treat me.
When i was a kid i was bullied and i never shared it with people who could have helped because i was so ashamed of my self for being bullied, i thought it would just go away eventually. Um, no, im in my thirties, and here. SO when i finally read the book and read the symptoms ---- BOOM. My f*cking life story. Its official i am indeed, traumatized. A traumatized motherf*cker! excuse my french, i love the word motherf*cker. Anyways. I thought going through repeated sexual abuse by a close family member, verbal and physical violence by my father, and bullying and isolation in elementary school, all these happening at the SAME TIME, would not add up to such a strong word trauma. f*cking nuts I didn't put 2 and 2 together earlier....oh well.
Anyways, one thing the book said that stood out especially was that once you go through trauma, there are scars left on an unconscious level, such that even if you THINK you have shit under control, little cues you make on an unconscious level GIVE IT AWAY to predators. That to me was the confirmation i had always wanted, I KNEW SOMETHING kept happening other wise WHY did i always become the target? something that i couldn't identify - hence unconcious level - keeps happening over and over again. Externally i have my shit together somewhat - i say somewhat because i tend to achieve whatever i want and then i self sabotage and start looking for a completely diff goal, achieve again, drop it again, start from zero and over and over again. I cant settle and people think im just nuts, but like the book explained, we simply cannot thrive like normal people, doing normal stuff. Our wrecked emotions get in the way. I cannot go to an office every day, i just cant. I did it for 2 years, the bullying began, and i swore off it forever, then ran to the new thing self employed, did great, abanfoned that too, then went for something else, now im on to my next career path, etc etc. Its exhaustng for the average human, but for me, all this hard impossible work, feels more soothing than being "stable" and normal, that shit makes me very nervous.
The book also explained we seem to be on a risk path always taking these extreme risks that put us in danger, its like we are wired to suffer, yes i have done the most crazy things. Of course i also went through alcohol abuse (duh) tried drugs but at least never abused those. Ad of course these things made my life even more complicated and horrific, leaving scars that i try to forget like several rapes, behind me. So yes, externally i look like this normal above average person, but its a facade and i soon give it away I'm not sure how it happens, perhaps predator can sniff my weak confidence, or just my bad act of confidence, but shit happens and then i am a target. And i think because i have all these qualities, i am a tastier target than most, because bullies are jealous and they thrive extra when crushing someone who is in some way above them - be it looks, studies, money, ability, etc - but bullies love finding weak spots and then just stomping you and im afraid they have a filed day wth me.
I honestly hope this treatment i have begun helps me, i am reading more on ptsd, starting therapy monday, and using this forum as my online support since there are no griups near me. Wish me luck, will be reading you all, just wanted to say hi.
I have just began to address my issues. I guess i thought i could go through life cruising it, despite being aware tat there was something really off. But its always the same story - no matte rhow much work i do, languages i speak, good looks, emoional intelligence courses - i always end up in the same situations. In my case, its always being attacked or bullied.
I always find allies, but its frustrating that I ALWAYS become a target. At first people are a little intimidated by me but very soon something gives it away and i am a target until i need to exit the group / situation. I have tried to escape so many ways - changing schools, country, job, even line of work - to no avail. Hurtfully, many female new members of my family also attack me after a while, teaming up with a childhood family bully. Worst of all, i tried telling this to very few people, even 1 or 2 therapists, and they all sort of treated it like i was exagerating or had some sort of deformed vision of reality. Bitch i can tell im being bullied thank you very much! Im not crazy for f*cks sake. Its ok you can laugh XD.
Anyways PSTD seemed like something only war vets go through and i just refused to look into it even though i bought a book about it years ago, because i do hypnosis and it had material to treat PSTD. However, probably bc of fear, i never even opened it. Mind you one of my stupidest traits is i am so proud, ever since i was a kid, hence the difficulty to treat me.
When i was a kid i was bullied and i never shared it with people who could have helped because i was so ashamed of my self for being bullied, i thought it would just go away eventually. Um, no, im in my thirties, and here. SO when i finally read the book and read the symptoms ---- BOOM. My f*cking life story. Its official i am indeed, traumatized. A traumatized motherf*cker! excuse my french, i love the word motherf*cker. Anyways. I thought going through repeated sexual abuse by a close family member, verbal and physical violence by my father, and bullying and isolation in elementary school, all these happening at the SAME TIME, would not add up to such a strong word trauma. f*cking nuts I didn't put 2 and 2 together earlier....oh well.
Anyways, one thing the book said that stood out especially was that once you go through trauma, there are scars left on an unconscious level, such that even if you THINK you have shit under control, little cues you make on an unconscious level GIVE IT AWAY to predators. That to me was the confirmation i had always wanted, I KNEW SOMETHING kept happening other wise WHY did i always become the target? something that i couldn't identify - hence unconcious level - keeps happening over and over again. Externally i have my shit together somewhat - i say somewhat because i tend to achieve whatever i want and then i self sabotage and start looking for a completely diff goal, achieve again, drop it again, start from zero and over and over again. I cant settle and people think im just nuts, but like the book explained, we simply cannot thrive like normal people, doing normal stuff. Our wrecked emotions get in the way. I cannot go to an office every day, i just cant. I did it for 2 years, the bullying began, and i swore off it forever, then ran to the new thing self employed, did great, abanfoned that too, then went for something else, now im on to my next career path, etc etc. Its exhaustng for the average human, but for me, all this hard impossible work, feels more soothing than being "stable" and normal, that shit makes me very nervous.
The book also explained we seem to be on a risk path always taking these extreme risks that put us in danger, its like we are wired to suffer, yes i have done the most crazy things. Of course i also went through alcohol abuse (duh) tried drugs but at least never abused those. Ad of course these things made my life even more complicated and horrific, leaving scars that i try to forget like several rapes, behind me. So yes, externally i look like this normal above average person, but its a facade and i soon give it away I'm not sure how it happens, perhaps predator can sniff my weak confidence, or just my bad act of confidence, but shit happens and then i am a target. And i think because i have all these qualities, i am a tastier target than most, because bullies are jealous and they thrive extra when crushing someone who is in some way above them - be it looks, studies, money, ability, etc - but bullies love finding weak spots and then just stomping you and im afraid they have a filed day wth me.
I honestly hope this treatment i have begun helps me, i am reading more on ptsd, starting therapy monday, and using this forum as my online support since there are no griups near me. Wish me luck, will be reading you all, just wanted to say hi.
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