Forgiving the idiots and jerks

[Justmehere]

By forgiveness, I do not mean reconciliation. Those are two different things, and only sometimes do they occur together. I do not mean forgetting and setting myself up for hurt again. I also do not mean forgiveness in the sense of anything that benefits the other person. I mean not continuing to torture myself with frustration and hurt. Being able to let go.

I'm also not referring to abusers or perpetrators of trauma. I'm also not really talking about those folks who are really safe humans, that fail from time to time, but they are the ones that prove to be reliable and trustworthy over time or those who have a struggle and are working on it. I'm referring about the folks in the middle of the sociopathic perp and the reasonably safe. The ones that may not commit acts of trauma on others, but are also not really safe. The gossips, the dumpers, the jerks, the fools, the boundary-pushers, the judgey mcjudgersons, etc.

I struggle to identify who is in that camp quickly. It's a work in progress. I'm getting better at it. I have a history of getting spooked with super safe friends and running away fast and far. I think lately I have been erroring on hanging on to the toxic fools too long to try and not bolt so fast.

But the reality is that from time to time, these types of people will always cross my path. Be it co-workers or personal relationships I haven't sorted out yet, once I realize someone is not a safe person, not a perp, but generally kind of a jerk/fool/toxic person, I am struggling right now with LETTING GO of the stupid shit they do.

In the context of trauma, I'm not caught up right now on what the perps did... but the idiots who stayed silent to the abuse. It's not the stalker that I'm upset about right now popping back up into my life, I'm spoked, but I took the steps needed and I'm carrying on with life. I'm not irked at him. I'm irked at the people who doubt I have reason to be afraid and rudely spread gossip and rumors about the matter. I'm annoyed with the friend that I thought might be safe... and risked telling something personal, only to find out.... opps. They are not safe and didn't keep the info private like they said, and they said some cruel things about it a few weeks later. (Glad I only risked a little to see how she would handle it.)

I have boundaries, and I can and do and have limited/cut off interaction or limited the closeness of the relationship (like co-workers).... but their stupid nonsense has gotten under my skin a lot more than usual. Even when I don't even have to deal with it anymore, it pops back up into my head and I want to shake it off. I want to forgive them not in a way that I would tell them, but simply stop torturing myself. Let it go.

Anyone else struggle with this?

 

[Gs172003]

By forgiveness, I do not mean reconciliation. Those are two different things, and only sometimes do they occur together. I do not mean forgetting and setting myself up for hurt again. I also do not mean forgiveness in the sense of anything that benefits the other person. I mean not continuing to torture myself with frustration and hurt. Being able to let go.

I'm also not referring to abusers or perpetrators of trauma. I'm also not really talking about those folks who are really safe humans, that fail from time to time, but they are the ones that prove to be reliable and trustworthy over time or those who have a struggle and are working on it. I'm referring about the folks in the middle of the sociopathic perp and the reasonably safe. The ones that may not commit acts of trauma on others, but are also not really safe. The gossips, the dumpers, the jerks, the fools, the boundary-pushers, the judgey mcjudgersons, etc.

I struggle to identify who is in that camp quickly. It's a work in progress. I'm getting better at it. I have a history of getting spooked with super safe friends and running away fast and far. I think lately I have been erroring on hanging on to the toxic fools too long to try and not bolt so fast.

But the reality is that from time to time, these types of people will always cross my path. Be it co-workers or personal relationships I haven't sorted out yet, once I realize someone is not a safe person, not a perp, but generally kind of a jerk/fool/toxic person, I am struggling right now with LETTING GO of the stupid shit they do.

In the context of trauma, I'm not caught up right now on what the perps did... but the idiots who stayed silent to the abuse. It's not the stalker that I'm upset about right now popping back up into my life, I'm spoked, but I took the steps needed and I'm carrying on with life. I'm not irked at him. I'm irked at the people who doubt I have reason to be afraid and rudely spread gossip and rumors about the matter. I'm annoyed with the friend that I thought might be safe... and risked telling something personal, only to find out.... opps. They are not safe and didn't keep the info private like they said, and they said some cruel things about it a few weeks later. (Glad I only risked a little to see how she would handle it.)

I have boundaries, and I can and do and have limited/cut off interaction or limited the closeness of the relationship (like co-workers).... but their stupid nonsense has gotten under my skin a lot more than usual. Even when I don't even have to deal with it anymore, it pops back up into my head and I want to shake it off. I want to forgive them not in a way that I would tell them, but simply stop torturing myself. Let it go.

Anyone else struggle with this?

Yes and I would love to hear the answers too.

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

By forgiveness, I do not mean reconciliation. Those are two different things, and only sometimes do they occur together. I do not mean forgetting and setting myself up for hurt again. I also do not mean forgiveness in the sense of anything that benefits the other person. I mean not continuing to torture myself with frustration and hurt. Being able to let go.

I'm also not referring to abusers or perpetrators of trauma. I'm also not really talking about those folks who are really safe humans, that fail from time to time, but they are the ones that prove to be reliable and trustworthy over time or those who have a struggle and are working on it. I'm referring about the folks in the middle of the sociopathic perp and the reasonably safe. The ones that may not commit acts of trauma on others, but are also not really safe. The gossips, the dumpers, the jerks, the fools, the boundary-pushers, the judgey mcjudgersons, etc.

I struggle to identify who is in that camp quickly. It's a work in progress. I'm getting better at it. I have a history of getting spooked with super safe friends and running away fast and far. I think lately I have been erroring on hanging on to the toxic fools too long to try and not bolt so fast.

But the reality is that from time to time, these types of people will always cross my path. Be it co-workers or personal relationships I haven't sorted out yet, once I realize someone is not a safe person, not a perp, but generally kind of a jerk/fool/toxic person, I am struggling right now with LETTING GO of the stupid shit they do.

In the context of trauma, I'm not caught up right now on what the perps did... but the idiots who stayed silent to the abuse. It's not the stalker that I'm upset about right now popping back up into my life, I'm spoked, but I took the steps needed and I'm carrying on with life. I'm not irked at him. I'm irked at the people who doubt I have reason to be afraid and rudely spread gossip and rumors about the matter. I'm annoyed with the friend that I thought might be safe... and risked telling something personal, only to find out.... opps. They are not safe and didn't keep the info private like they said, and they said some cruel things about it a few weeks later. (Glad I only risked a little to see how she would handle it.)

I have boundaries, and I can and do and have limited/cut off interaction or limited the closeness of the relationship (like co-workers).... but their stupid nonsense has gotten under my skin a lot more than usual. Even when I don't even have to deal with it anymore, it pops back up into my head and I want to shake it off. I want to forgive them not in a way that I would tell them, but simply stop torturing myself. Let it go.

Anyone else struggle with this?

I pretty much couldn't have written this any better myself.

I am someone who is oh so picky with the people I let into my life, be it friendships or relationships and yet I ended up experiencing the worst trauma of my life at the hands of the man that loved me for many years! How did I not see that one coming?! How do his friends and family sit back and observe what this man has done and yet seem to still believe in the goodness of his heart? Why did no one speak up? Why did people watch me suffer and not say a word? And most importantly, why do I still until this day have people who are supposedly angry at me for something that THEY DID TO ME?! Confusing to say the least. But I suppose it's what happens when you are finally ready to speak your truth.

It really is difficult to determine who fits in what category. I am of the belief that we will never truly know. In my example, my relationship with this man was perfect, every single aspect of it for many years. Until it wasn't...

The one thing I must mention is our gut feeling, our ancestors used this as a form of survival and yet us contemporary humans have gotten so good at ignoring it and justifying things with emotions and/or rational thinking! I know I myself have ignored my gut feeling on soooooooo many occasions, I must learn to trust it more often.

 

[Friday]

I want to forgive them not in a way that I would tell them, but simply stop torturing myself. Let it go.

One of my fave things...

“Shrug. Whatcha gonna do?”

Which means I look at 3 pieces...

- What am I willing to do? (A very mobile bar)
- What am I capable of doing?
- What do I want to achieve?

Literally, right now, this second. Not fantasies, or might have beens, or could bes, or vague anything’s (make them pay, make them stop, are good examples of bullshit vaguary ;) Because those aren’t actions. Those are ideas -or worse, feelings- that require other actions, so those are what I am looking at / deciding on) right now in this moment? What actions am I prepared to take? Do that. <<< Once done? It’s done.

Am I always able to do that? f*ck no.

Helps when I have someone to remind me... Whatcha gonna do?

Failing that, reminding myself helps.

 

[grit]

One of the trauma consequences is the focus on other on our boundaries, self, internal dialogue…they just take over us so easily. It is frustrating and maddening sometimes. I do not know exactly how you can let go. But for me, I accept I have a mechanism in my personality make up to attract some bullshit in life. I cannot grow up in cesspool and smell perfume but I am also very much becoming semi adaptable to separate the past from the present and the person from the action.

When you say, “torture yourself”, I took that thinking about these people when they are not present and to me that is probably the only place I changed over the years and more so significantly, the last few months. When I am not with them, I make sure I am present/mindful/aware and etc that I am the one carrying them in my mind since they are not here. I literally sometimes say out loud, why am I still thinking about that person still? And that brings me to the reality I am- the person is in my head not in front of me. I hope this makes sense.

When I am in the presence of the person making comments or generally pooping my space, I am (most of the time depending who the person is like not my boss), can say clearly that is not acceptable or wow that is inappropriate or let me know think about that and get back to you etc. all the while thinking, I am acknowledging my feelings of discomfort or agitation or hate toward this person whatever that might be at that time. I do not lie to myself I do not like this person ever! I am super frank to say this person is predator or violates my space and I do not like.

So in short, I differentiate what is in my head when not in presence of this person and what I am feeling when I am in the presence. I can control the first more than the later.

 

[Ronin]

but their stupid nonsense has gotten under my skin a lot more than usual.

This, right there... realize where is the ball with it. In my yard. I took offense / let it get to me / still let it get to me, they were just being their usual idiotic self & on harm in petty ways that dont concern me that much... so make it back about me. Not about them. Their idiocy I cant sort, but taking blame for it & anger and what not at it I can.

Where trauma and not simply hurt is the opposite in my book. Where not taking blame IS coming to the conclusion its them & their actions, and not me, & my limited actions or none actions because the whole sucked, not because of a failing.

Two different directions.

 

[Changing4Best]

I applied the "just walk away" tactic for the first time this weekend. It did not exactly work by itself, because the person came and sat down by me again about an hour later. So I just ignored her. I was listening to another person who was sitting next to me, so I just continued to listen to that person, even though little miss pushy with unsolicited advice had come after me again. I just ignored her and continued to listen to the other lady. She eventually got the message and walked away. For now anyway, and if I am lucky, forever.

 

[Friday]

I was just reminded in another thread... since you used the word “forgiving”...

I view forgiving a person, and forgiving a debt, to be 2 very different things.

I can absolutely not forgive the person, but forgive their debt to me. That debt? Ties me to them. I can either collect on it, or forgive it, if I want to sever the link.