Relationship Advice needed please, my girlfriend has PTSD.

[Dave ZInger]

These two things ^^^^? Would be deal breakers for me. I can't be struggling with my own brain every day and also be with someone who is insecure or jealous. Because that means I have to constantly monitor what I am saying or doing so that I don't upset them and that takes way to much energy that I don't have. Plus, I simply don't have the patience to keep proving that I'm trustworthy. And hubby has had to face that -- I have a ton of guy friends that I'm often in touch with when I'm really stressed out, mostly because we have a similar background. If hubby got insecure every time I was chatting with one of them? Ya... no.

Hubby can either trust me or not. Once he has to start monitoring my behavior or making me responsible for his feeling safe? Our relationship is already over.

Yes I get what you're saying, it just hurts being shut out but then, knowing she is, spending time meeting for coffees with other guys etc. It's all a learning curve I suppose going forward. She did call in on me on My birthday with a card and gift which was really nice of her and I felt that her mood was a little better too.

 

[Freida]

it just hurts being shut out but then, knowing she is, spending time meeting for coffees with other guys etc.

Yep -- this is very, very painful. And I don't want to discount that pain because, like so many things in ptsd, its just not fair.

So -- this next part is totally my ptsd talking. It's not meant to be snarky but hopefully it might give you another way to look at what she might be hearing

Can you ask yourself what exactly is bothering you?
I think it might be important for your relationship because there are two totally different questions at play in my ptsd brain.

Question one -- she has hurt your feelings by ignoring you - period. Totally valid -- can be worked on with conversations about how she needs to check in with you more often so you feel like you are still part of her life regardless of what she is doing out there in the world.

Question two - you don't trust her to be around men because of her history. Not valid - means you are blaming her for the things she went thru and don't believe that she can "control" herself if she's in the presence of other guys. The message she's receiving? Once a sex worker always a sex worker so she doesn't deserve your trust.

If you have those kinds of doubts about her? That's gonna be a problem. Because I would guess a prior sex worker thinks EVERYONE has those kinds of doubts about her.

Hopefully if you can figure out what is driving your insecurities then you and she can have a good conversation on how to work thru it. But if you are thinking question one and shes thinking question two? It's gonna be tough to find common ground and it might be worth a joint counseling session so you are both on the same page. Especially when she gets into the bad days where she really needs someone who loves her regardless of what she has done in the past.

 

[EveHarrington]

How close is she to her guy friends? Does she introduce you to them? Do they know you exist? Are you a priority to her?

 

[Ronin]

Geez, like a gurl couldn't be Genuinely Just Friends with guys.

And honestly, if you're that insecure? Stop dating her. Do her the courtesy, save yourself the face, and stop dating her.

Because regardless of what was her prior work, how much your take on it, and trauma... you are not lifestyles and style of relating to people compatible. You two need different things, and so it would be healthier for both to be with someone who can accommodate your needs.

 

[Dave ZInger]

Yep -- this is very, very painful. And I don't want to discount that pain because, like so many things in ptsd, its just not fair.

So -- this next part is totally my ptsd talking. It's not meant to be snarky but hopefully it might give you another way to look at what she might be hearing

Can you ask yourself what exactly is bothering you?
I think it might be important for your relationship because there are two totally different questions at play in my ptsd brain.

Question one -- she has hurt your feelings by ignoring you - period. Totally valid -- can be worked on with conversations about how she needs to check in with you more often so you feel like you are still part of her life regardless of what she is doing out there in the world.

Question two - you don't trust her to be around men because of her history. Not valid - means you are blaming her for the things she went thru and don't believe that she can "control" herself if she's in the presence of other guys. The message she's receiving? Once a sex worker always a sex worker so she doesn't deserve your trust.

If you have those kinds of doubts about her? That's gonna be a problem. Because I would guess a prior sex worker thinks EVERYONE has those kinds of doubts about her.

Hopefully if you can figure out what is driving your insecurities then you and she can have a good conversation on how to work thru it. But if you are thinking question one and shes thinking question two? It's gonna be tough to find common ground and it might be worth a joint counseling session so you are both on the same page. Especially when she gets into the bad days where she really needs someone who loves her regardless of what she has done in the past.

To be perfectly honest, no I don't hold her past against her at all, I can't say that I like it but it is in the past. She has difficulty trusting men and I'm trying to show her that not all men are the same. She has said to me before that I have really enhanced her life and she feels cared for and genuinely lived by me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

she has over 250 guys in her friends list on FB and talks to some of these quite regularly.

Facebook is not real life though. It’s virtual. I’d let go of that issue.

A lot of times people can function and socialize online when they cannot in real life. People have hundreds of online “friends” they never see face to face.

 

[EveHarrington]

TBH I’m not “friends” with my boyfriend on Facebook. I really don’t care what he does online because I trust him. I know he mentions talking to other women from time to time but it doesn’t bother me because it’s like oh I talked to so and so about my dog or I talked to such and such about my friend that died. He knows that I have guy friends from a friend finder site and he doesn’t care.

 

[Freida]

I don't hold her past against her at all and Do trust her 100%.

She has said to me that I have really enhanced her life and she feels cared for and genuinely loved by me so it makes me happy knowing that she feels that way. I

This is really good to hear!!!!
I wonder -- if you have trust in her, what is triggering the insecurities in you? Is it that she will leave you for another man or that she will just leave? If you can pinpoint what is causing your insecurity then maybe you can walk it backwards to figure out if there is anything she can do to help change that. It's that dig a little deeper part - like saying you don't like it when she ignores you. Ok, Why does that make you feel insecure? Whats going on in Your head?

I am going to suggest a joint therapy session, she already receives therapy so maybe I could join her at one of those?.

I have mixed feelings on this. Hubby has never been to one of my appointments because I don't want him there. I have a hard enough time expressing myself without having to monitor what I say with him in the room. Is that the right way to feel? Well I say yes -- however the supporters around here have been trying for years to beat it into my head that my supporters DO want to know about the things I wont say and it's still barely sunk in. :laugh:

We have done marriage counseling - but that is with another therapist for a specific reason --- marriage counseling. My ptsd symptoms, as far as how they affect our communication, can be discussed but not my ptsd

I have several guys (we call them battle buddies) that I talk to on line when I'm really wound up. Hubby has never met them, never talked to them, etc, and I may or may not remember to tell him that's who I'm talking to. He knows I share stuff with them I don't share with him -- just like I do here. (I mean, your a guy and I'm talking to you.)
Should this trigger his insecurities? I honestly don't know. But if it does? Tough - because it's super beneficial for me and I can't battle his demons while I'm battling mine. Plus I don't really KNOW them. That's the joy of online communication. If you say something that pisses someone off you just turn the computer off and never have to deal with them again. not so easy in real life

The short blah blah behind all this is that if you can look inside to figure out what causes you to be insecure then you have something you can bring to the table that you may be able to work on as a couple.

 

[Dave ZInger]

Facebook is not real life though. It’s virtual. I’d let go of that issue.

A lot of times people can function and socialize online when they cannot in real life. People have hundreds of online “friends” they never see face to face.

I think to be fair a lot of it comes under that "no emotion involved so no pressure" guide so she feels comfortable in their company or just to chat to etc.

 

[Freida]

I think to be fair a lot of it comes under that "no emotion involved so no pressure" guide so she feels comfortable in their company or just to chat to etc.

exactly!! :)

 

[Dave ZInger]

TBH I’m not “friends” with my boyfriend on Facebook. I really don’t care what he does online because I trust him. I know he mentions talking to other women from time to time but it doesn’t bother me because it’s like oh I talked to so and so about my dog or I talked to such and such about my friend that died. He knows that I have guy friends from a friend finder site and he doesn’t care.

Yes thanks for that, I suppose a portion of it us just a normal insecurity due to our age difference and the attention she gets from guys her own age. I still aren't sure that it's "right" for her to be having coffees with other guts though, old-fashioned values I'm afraid. I guess it's a matter of me trying better to curb my Insecurity which I suppose will be making her feel a little uncomfortable too.

 

[LuckiLee]

I guess it all depends what you want out of a therapy session with her. If you want to go in and express all the ways her PTSD is affecting you??? I don't think that will go over very well. She already thinks she isn't giving you what you need and that will only "prove" it to her. She is having a hard enough time letting you into her world as it is.

I think a therapy session would work IF you both are already comfortable talking about these struggles and are committed to each other. I have gone to quite a few of my guy's appointments for various different reasons. None of those reasons were about me.

You've been together a year and a half (the honeymoon period) so how long has she been in a safe environment and in therapy? Therapy is extremely hard and painful and if it's new to her?? 1,000 x harder. I congratulate her for seeking the help she needs. That is a huge accomplishment! Well done, Her! And she's in group therapy too? Seeking people who "get it". She's doing exactly what she should be doing. Imho.

Unfortunately, as supporters our needs tend to be put on the back burner when our sufferers are symptomatic. (Or new to the PTSD diagnosis/therapy) It sucks! I know. But, when you have the same goals, trust, commitment and communication is easy it can work. It's really f#cking hard sometimes but I feel and know that I am loved. I have never doubted that for a second.

Go slow and give her the space she needs. Good luck.