How to Make Myself Talk

[Morgata]

Question? Do you feel you give control over to another whom your not sure you can trust when you show vulnerability and that is why you stay silent?

 

[Morgata]

My apologies. I know how you are feeling...and I am in the same boat. Thank you....in some way you are my voice. Please don't get me wrong. I am not trying to make it about me. I just never thought anyone would be like me...

 

[piratelady]

Is your therapist able to identify similar clues with you? If not maybe working on that as well could be helpful for both of you?

He is. He’s also been my therapist for quite some time. The more I think about my initial fears, I know he’s not going to fire me. I was also reminded this morning about times he has helped me when my feelings have escaped.

He has changed the subject in the past if he sees things in me that tell him I’m overwhelmed. Also, the opposite is true that the minute we touch on this topic I tell him I don’t want to talk about it anymore and he honors that request. That’s how I’ve managed to back myself into this corner.

I emailed him and told him I do want to talk about the issue at hand in our next appointment. Now I have to just endure it. I think your rule will help a lot with that.

Do you feel you give control over to another whom your not sure you can trust when you show vulnerability and that is why you stay silent?

In a sense, yes. I feel like I’m showing them my weakness that they will one day use against me, to hurt me.

With this issue, when therapist and I approach the topic of blame, I know whose fault it is. In my head. If I truly acknowledge that by writing it down or saying it, all those feelings start to come to the surface. The hurt, sadness, etc. it’s overwhelming. I worry that I’m not strong enough to tolerate them, and it will break me.

Like @grit said (I think), I guess I have done the same thing, gone silent as I did then. It feels safer to hide those feelings from anyone who might use them against me or respond in a way that just creates more hurt. Darn feelings are scary.

. I am not trying to make it about me. I just never thought anyone would be like me...

You’re fine, no worries :). Welcome! I think as you browse this site you’ll see there are people with similar experiences, thoughts, and feelings. It really does help with not feeling as alone.

 

[Morgata]

Omg. You hit it on the nail. I feel the same way. However I know we are not weak. This happened to us. Sharing is hard. The thought of sharing makes you believe you feel you are weak even though it takes strength to share...wow did I just say that. If a person chooses to use it against us...is it not that they are weak if. they use it against us...and not someone we should associate with? For me I am even more angery if shame is involved. I didn't do this to myself...who would? And you didn't either. Hoping for everyone to find peace. No one chooses to be like this. Thank you...you have given me the revaluation I was needing...hoping for you.?

 

[Warrior Chicken]

told him I do want to talk about the issue at hand in our next appointment. Now I have to just endure it.

There’s that strength again ?
And.....endure. Tricky word for us I’d say. That’s been at my core existence, learned young to endure and take responsibility for others actions, then followed a career that rewarded me for being able to hide my emotions and endure. No one to blame for any of that (maybe, but haven’t got there, except for me). What I have learned is that I don’t have to endure....

I need to challenge myself.
I gotta try to be aware of what I can’t tolerate.
I gotta ask for what I need (that’s absolutely the most difficult)

and practice....if I mess up, try to allow myself that without shame. (Fffffft yeah, right! But try)

I’m with you all the way, and cheering you on!

 

[piratelady]

I gotta try to be aware of what I can’t tolerate

How do you know what you can tolerate? In every day life I can tolerate just about anything. In therapy, the slightest emotion pops up and I think it’s too much.

 

[Friday]

I’ve emailed him that he knows what happened. I did that quite some time ago. We thought it mostly processed. He’s noticed though that every time I get triggered, I wind up back at that first incident. So, it’s not processed.

^^THIS^^ will undoubtedly give you the most traction.

That said?

Ever done vocal exercises?

Ninety nine nuns in an Indiana nunnery.
Ninety nine nuns in an Indiana nunnery.
Ninety nine nuns in an Indiana nunnery.

The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips
The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips
The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips

When I KNOW what I want to say... but get IronJawFriday award one of the things that’s been the most effective is to plug the words into something -like vocal exercises- that makes them meaningless.

U U U U U U U U U U U U U U :singing: U-U-U-U S.
US US US US US US US US US ... (read, got scared of the M)
US US US US US US US US US-M!
USM USM USM USM USM USM USM USM USM USM
C C C C C C C C C C C C
US US US US US US US US US US US US US US
USM USM USM USMC C C C C C C (damn. Lost the front)
USM USM USM USM USM USM....
C USMC USMC USMC (f*ck this, too close)
US-MC US-MC US-MC US-MC US-MC US-MC (better, let’s try again)
USMC USMC USMC USMC USMC USMC USMC

And I just keep repeating the different sounds until they become sounds, instead of words with meaning that make my jaw shake, and eyes burn, and throat close up, and world fall away. I worry about meaning, later. Because I KNOW the meaning. Too well. For now it’s just shaping the sounds. We’ll reattach meaning later. Right now, it’s about putting the boot heel to meaning, and working on sounds and patterns

Fall-fall-fall-fall-TUH!
Fault fault fault fault fault fault fault fault fault fault fall-TUH!
Nah-nah-nah-nah-TUH (Naaaa-na-nun-na-naaaaah nan nun nah naaaaaah. TUH!)
Nah-nah-nah-nah-TUH
Not not not not not not not not not nah-TUH!
My my my my my my my my my
My my my my my my my my my
Not my Not my Not my Not my Not my Not my
Fall-fall-fall-fall-TUH!
Notmyfault Notmyfault Notmyfault Notmyfault
Not my Not my Not my fault.
Notmyfault Notmyfault Notmyfault Notmyfault
Not MY fault Not MY fault Not MY fault
NOT myfault NOT myfault NOT my fault.
Not. My. Fault.

You don’t have to believe it. You just have to be willing to play with the sounds. Belief, like meaning, can come later... or not. You don’t have to decide that, now. It’s just a game to play with yourself, to master the words. Adding distance, now. Decisions later.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you everyone for your help. I didn’t talk a lot in therapy today, but I said enough. It sucks. He was really supportive and of course didn’t fire me. Now to let all this marinate I guess. I hope this passes soon.

I did manage to say ‘He made me do it’. I think that assigns blame even if I didn’t say the exact words

 

[Tinyflame]

I think what you've written is talking too. Here or there @piratelady . :hug: