Why is it difficult to verbalise things?

[oakleaves]

I just wondered whether anyone knows why it can be so difficult to actually verbalise the words and say CSA, abuse, whatever? Or to verbally say 'he touched me' or 'he put x in this place' or whatever?

What makes it so difficult? Like what is the process behind that not being able to verbalise things? Do you know. (Is it shame, or is it like a part of you holding you back because it's terrified, or is it just complete overwhelm and dissociating because it feels so threatening?)

Also when things are stuck (like memories are stuck and the same ones replay and the same images flash into your mind or the same smells or light or whatever it is) how are you supposed to move past that?

Sorry lots of questions.

 

[Teasel]

I dont know the reason behind it but I heard something about it being easier to write about this stuff than to speak it because they are different parts of the brain that do those things. Looking forward to see if anyone knows the reason!

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm not sure why it is difficult to verbalise trauma either. I do know that it can be all types of trauma not exclusively CSA.

For me the main concern is that by talking about it, I make it all real again, I make it all come back into my present life and for me, almost all of the time, I want to leave it right where it is and where it happened. Not drag it along with me. But, that's just me.

In a therapeutic situation not being able to verbalise what the trauma is may present some problems. I can see that for sure.

However, I also know it's not always necessary to actually verbalise the trauma - ever. Who knew? I learned this a short while ago. One of my really big issues with psydoc and T and doing appointments is not wanting or needing to say, describe in verbal terms what the hell happened. Of course, somehow the T and psydoc had to know why I fronted up in the first place but various reports, statements etc fixed that problem.

Quite by accident my psydoc and T discovered that having a drawing pad with pencils etc during sessions helps enormously for me. I had no idea. But to be clear, the drawing isn't the focus, nor me doing it, or even what I'm doing.

I wonder if you might try this too for moving past stuff that is stuck? I simply draw obscure shapes and go over and over the edges whilst in a consultation. There is some kind of release happening but I think much more clearly when I come away. There's less hangover, less confusion and other stuff floating around in my head. Less stuff stuck.

I'd also like to suggest that moving past stuck things is such a slow process that at times it feels like you're actually in reverse and have made no progress. So though you might be evaluating your progress in terms of time & other tangible mile-stones, it's not so easy. There are many layers to processing trauma so don't despair it will work out eventually.

 

[Invisible Fire]

Good questions. I have yet to name my trauma out loud. And I have been told and I understand that I do not have to share details or truths of what happened to heal. But, there is this inner need to tell someone what happened but the fear and anxiety surrounding it is more powerful. I do not have any answers only my opinion. I believe for me the reason I can not speak of what happened is it makes it to real. It connects that invisible line from the trauma to me. I would have to admit on a deeper level that those things happened to me. The shame of it is very powerful and overwhelming. I have been carrying this shame for over 30 years it is hard to let it go. My trauma does not define me but it has shaped me. It is a part of me like the color of my eyes. I can not change it. No answers but this post did resonate with me.

 

[RoseyViolet]

I just wondered whether anyone knows why it can be so difficult to actually verbalise the words and say CSA, abuse, whatever? Or to verbally say 'he touched me' or 'he put x in this place' or whatever?

What makes it so difficult? Like what is the process behind that not being able to verbalise things? Do you know. (Is it shame, or is it like a part of you holding you back because it's terrified, or is it just complete overwhelm and dissociating because it feels so threatening?)

Also when things are stuck (like memories are stuck and the same ones replay and the same images flash into your mind or the same smells or light or whatever it is) how are you supposed to move past that?

Sorry lots of questions.

These are very good questions and ones that I'm sure a lot of us have grappled with at some point in our past. I too used to feel and stay stuck in the litany of remembering the abuse and rolling it all over in my head until it hurt. I also know it got me nowhere, but feeling more trapped and more miserable. CSA is tricky because as a child we hadn't developed the skills to protect ourselves, we openly, honestly trust others and that trust got violated and a valuable piece of the fabric of who we are got stolen away and abused at a "gut level". When we try to put into words the memories, it takes us back to those scary moments and we can become paralyzed in our emotions and fear. Sometimes I think we think if we say it out loud then it will make more real and make us vulnerable once again, which wasn't pleasant the first time. I chose to forgive my abuser as a healthy act of moving forward. Not because he deserved it, but because I wanted to get healthy and move forward in my life not as a victim any further, but as an overcomer. Overcoming is a process that takes time. For me, it took opening up to a trusted friend about the abuse, realizing that they could hurt me and use that information against me, but I knew it was time to let the secrets out. I forgave him, I kept on forgiving, each and every time ugly thoughts crept in, I kept on forgiving and asking God for the strength for each day. I just kept moving forward, choosing to not live trapped in the past, but use my abuse as a launch pad for surviving. You can do it, you are stronger than you know. You deserve to get and maintain health. Don't let your abuser win and keep you trapped.

 

[Freida]

I actually lose my voice. As in - lose the ability to speak. When it first happened it completely freaked me out. Now I know if it happens it is because we are to close to something I don't want to face.

 

[Friday]

I actually lose my voice. As in - lose the ability to speak.

Same.

If I keep trying to push past that? My mind blanks. It’s like a big completely smooth white wall. Can’t talk. Can’t think. Then -if I’m stupid enough to push harder- my whole body loses its ever loving mind. The step beyond razor clawed vice around my heart, shaking, sweating, metal in my throat (the taste of adrenaline) that’s just kind of normal anxiety running hot verging on panic attack... to sparky sparky boom man :rolleyes: No thinking, just action = bad juju. Explosive unthinking unleashed rage. No bueno.

 

[Freida]

Yep!

 

[Tinyflame]

I had that experience just yesterday (again), and it was painful and embarrassing, and though I hope not even deleterious considering who it happened with (at work. :( with the Pgm Head ). And yes, the brain does go offline. What to do? When there's a consequence I feel like I wish I could crawl under a rock and die. Seems nothing works at those times. :(

 

[Ronin]

What to do? When there's a consequence I feel like I wish I could crawl under a rock and die. Seems nothing works at those times. :(

I do precisely that... crawl under the rock. ;) Just needs remembering the die part, we don't do, even when brains suggest to / demand it hard.

Shelter / turtle up somewhere. Wait the wave out. Holler in smallest words possible. Do energy saving small nontrauma/safe world actions. Signal to yourself you are okay, trauma beast showing horns ain't the devil up for dealing with, just somewhere floated up.

Sea stuff on a beach. Broken old shells. Old tears up again. That's normal... belongs there.

Kaput people dying on that beach don't, though. Wordless is fine. That's conserving strenght / collecting up.

Getting up and brushing off from hits fast is just unrealistic images. Or super stubborn... that will still need faceplanking and silence, later. ;)

ETA: Or maybe needs different words or a form of expression. I find some times, generics like hurt / harmed / hurt bad / finished? Say far more than any concretes would. Let me talk, when concretes, much less details, can't.

Or I talk something else while still talking trauma. The weather. Seas & rivers & stars. Hills & caves & mountains. Deserts & jungles. Cities. Football & pool & cards & card games. Roads & paths. Drinks instead of responsible parties. Colors & art references, instead of remains. Things the like.

 

[oakleaves]

I dont know the reason behind it but I heard something about it being easier to write about this stuff than to speak it because they are different parts of the brain that do those things. Looking forward to see if anyone knows the reason!

I'm going to try to email the things I've written. Thank you. It does make sense.

 

[oakleaves]

For me the main concern is that by talking about it, I make it all real again, I make it all come back into my present life and for me, almost all of the time, I want to leave it right where it is and where it happened. Not drag it along with me. But, that's just me.

I'd also like to suggest that moving past stuck things is such a slow process that at times it feels like you're actually in reverse and have made no progress. So though you might be evaluating your progress in terms of time & other tangible mile-stones, it's not so easy. There are many layers to processing trauma so don't despair it will work out eventually.

I do find drawing helps generally. So I will try that. Thank you. I sometimes draw things I feel. I do think it helps to process things a bit.