SeekingAfrica
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So... I'm in a really bad spot. Honestly 2021 has been worse for me so far than last.
I finally have a great home which I am super greatful about. But as it was an unplanned change of apartment, I am not broke for a bit until next pay. Doing side gigs for food, but itbarely scratches what I need(like, my budget for last week was 5$. And this week seems like it will be the same. So I'm going on bread and plain rice and occasional addition like an egg here and there. Which isn't the greatest but it was good knowing it won't be for long. Also the cleaning gig I would do on the side sometimes was on pause cause a close friend was exposed so I had to self-isolate.
However, last weeks I still had my meds keeping me normal and leveled enough to cope.
This week I'm out for few days actually. So today was the first time it started to really affect me bad.
I worked on my couch, I was half productive, it's evening and it's the first time I got myself to sit up. Cried few times for no reason. 1 panic attack, for no reason.
I'm pushing through the work, however bad pay, to at least afford the rice and bread and whatnot. But it's so hard feeling positive. It's so hard concentrating on any work for better future(like job applications). Cleaning is super hard, I have to break tasks in mini bits and take breaks. I have to take random breaks all the time to have something to look forward so I can push through half hour or an hour so that I have a reason to keep going. Few times today I felt so low that I was wondering what is the point to keep pushing.
I know I get paid in 10 days(if all goes well), and then I can get back to meds and balance and work on everything.
But if you've been really depressed you know how long a week can feel. Or even a day.
I have birthday in 2 days, and I am quitting all drinks that are not water, so I can have at least coffee and tea at home for my friend to come over to see her. Because I can't even get to her before my friday mini-pay, and it's a mini pay so it's only for bus and food barely.
I know we are all having a tough year. I know I'm lucky to have a safe roof over my head, and some pay to look forward to. I think it's the meds balance making me feel all that dark, because I never cry this often, at least not in the last year. I don't know what I need. I am just having a really hard time getting through today, or remembering there is a point to getting through it.
I finally have a great home which I am super greatful about. But as it was an unplanned change of apartment, I am not broke for a bit until next pay. Doing side gigs for food, but itbarely scratches what I need(like, my budget for last week was 5$. And this week seems like it will be the same. So I'm going on bread and plain rice and occasional addition like an egg here and there. Which isn't the greatest but it was good knowing it won't be for long. Also the cleaning gig I would do on the side sometimes was on pause cause a close friend was exposed so I had to self-isolate.
However, last weeks I still had my meds keeping me normal and leveled enough to cope.
This week I'm out for few days actually. So today was the first time it started to really affect me bad.
I worked on my couch, I was half productive, it's evening and it's the first time I got myself to sit up. Cried few times for no reason. 1 panic attack, for no reason.
I'm pushing through the work, however bad pay, to at least afford the rice and bread and whatnot. But it's so hard feeling positive. It's so hard concentrating on any work for better future(like job applications). Cleaning is super hard, I have to break tasks in mini bits and take breaks. I have to take random breaks all the time to have something to look forward so I can push through half hour or an hour so that I have a reason to keep going. Few times today I felt so low that I was wondering what is the point to keep pushing.
I know I get paid in 10 days(if all goes well), and then I can get back to meds and balance and work on everything.
But if you've been really depressed you know how long a week can feel. Or even a day.
I have birthday in 2 days, and I am quitting all drinks that are not water, so I can have at least coffee and tea at home for my friend to come over to see her. Because I can't even get to her before my friday mini-pay, and it's a mini pay so it's only for bus and food barely.
I know we are all having a tough year. I know I'm lucky to have a safe roof over my head, and some pay to look forward to. I think it's the meds balance making me feel all that dark, because I never cry this often, at least not in the last year. I don't know what I need. I am just having a really hard time getting through today, or remembering there is a point to getting through it.