Noticing inner feelings

[JGirl]

I am working on noticing how I feel inside throughout the day. I think that before, I was just kind of zoning out and not paying attention. Earlier today, I noticed that I was feeling anxious and protective of my kids/grandson when my hubby was frustrated about something. I could link it to my x who would freak out and scare the kids and I when he was frustrated. I suspect that it may also be linked to my sister or dad and how they acted even though I don't have a specific memory.

I will be honest and say that I'd rather zone out. I get that this is going to get a lot harder before it gets better. I also know that this will be worth it in the end because I will be able to understand and learn ways to cope with these feelings.

If you have done work around noticing how you feel and what it links to, what was that process like for you? Do you have any words of wisdom to share?

 

[Dynamic]

Hi JGirl.
Someone very close to me experiences this.
Things that have worked for them are journaling. Even if just short little in the moment notes with the date on top page. Get creative be yourself it's for you anways.
But also accepting that their feelings matter. They grew up needing to put their feelings away so often, it became the natural response.
Allowing self to be self is important.
Accepting self even if others haven't accepted you. Difficult but necessary.
Allowing self to be and staying grounding and processing.

Hopefully somewhat helpful. I'm glad to hear you are actively working on this.it pays off!

 

[Renly]

They grew up needing to put their feelings away so often, it became the natural response.
Allowing self to be self is important.
Accepting self even if others haven't accepted you. Difficult but necessary.

I can relate to this entirely.

@JGirl I’m also working on noticing my feelings, especially what is going on before I dissociate. It’s a strange and uncomfortable (and often quite painful) experience (the just noticing) after a lifetime of “fawning,” stuffing, and never giving myself permission to observe what’s going on inside of myself. I am interested to hear what works for others as well. Since beginning therapy, I have been taking notes in my phone during the day to keep a record and look for patterns. So far that has given me some insight.

 

[user27357]

I have been taking notes in my phone during the day to keep a record and look for patterns.

This freaking works. don't be too busy feeling good to write that down too, sometimes it's the height of the fall that matters, not just how the fall itself feels. Gotta try it all I have been told, and some of it is a waste of time, but I can say that this is a big help for me and hope it is for someone else too.

 

[arfie]

i compare it to developing a new set of physical muscles. it gets easier as the new muscles develop and the activity grows into habit.

the gain is worth the pain. it allows me to experience the positive emotions more fully than i was even capable of while i was continually numbing myself to avoid the pain.

 

[Freida]

I will be honest and say that I'd rather zone out

yepper
Dissociation has been my go to for my entire life so the idea of leaving it behind? Scares the hell out of me because I often think I'm not capable of handling the feelings when they rush in.

Still a work in progress

I get that this is going to get a lot harder before it gets better.

Yep
I've been chipping at this particular iceberg with my handy ice pick for six years now and some days I really, really question WTF I'm doing it for. But one thing t started earlier was to try to focus on when I don't dissociate. Like in happy memories.
The hope is that I will loose my fear of the dark ones if I can see that they are just that - memories.
Again - still a work in progress

 

[JGirl]

This freaking works. don't be too busy feeling good to write that down too, sometimes it's the height of the fall that matters, not just how the fall itself feels.

That is great advice. I am only noticing the negative feelings, not the positive ones.

the gain is worth the pain. it allows me to experience the positive emotions more fully than i was even capable of while i was continually numbing myself to avoid the pain.

This is exactly why I know it is worth it.

Dissociation has been my go to for my entire life so the idea of leaving it behind? Scares the hell out of me because I often think I'm not capable of handling the feelings when they rush in.

I've been chipping at this particular iceberg with my handy ice pick for six years now and some days I really, really question WTF I'm doing it for.

I'm just beginning to realise how much I do it. I think it was a lot more, even when things were calm and going well, than I was aware of. It has been a habit that I didn't realise I had that I now need to change. I wish it didn't take years. 6 and counting-you are a rockstar!

 

[Teasel]

Just to say I thought you might find this thread helpful

Naming and understanding multiple emotions

I have been thinking about making a post for this for some time. I have been working with the emotional wheel that @MrMoonlight posted in another thread and thought it might be a good idea to reference it to see if I.others might find it helpful in practicing identifying current emotions. I...

www.myptsd.com

 

[arfie]

A recurring theme of my recovery is discovering that many of my psychotic symptoms are the result of haphazard over-development of some of my greater strengths. more and more i believe dissociation is one of those strengths used badly. over the course of my mental illness, i have dissociated to catatonia. not good by any measure. coming back from catatonia is a hard and cruel recovery.

However, deliberately used with mindful awareness, the ability to dissociate can also be called, 'detachment" to help me get through traumatic and/or tedious experiences.

Don't cure it. Train it.

 

[{hot~tea}]

I also make notes in my phone throughout the day, and revisit them to study their causes. A couple of weekends ago I hit a huge milestone.

My partner and I went on a trip to go see a comedian we both love. We got there early so that we could eat and get some drinks before the show. During the show we ordered some more drinks, but I wanted to keep it minimal because this was someone I really admired and I knew that there might be a chance we could meet him. Then during the show, the comedian actually mentioned that he was going to be at the doors and to come say hello after the show. My partner missed it when he said that and I noticed that he was beginning to get more tipsy, which normally I don't mind because I love to drink and have fun with him. But it was starting to make me feel nervous for if he was going to embarrass me in front of this comedian who I really admire. He ordered another shot and another 16 ounce pour of beer.

The show ends and we start to line up to buy some merch and head out the door, where the comedian was meeting and taking pictures with everyone. My partner is a really friendly and loving person, but when he told me he was going to propose a group hug with the comedian, my face lost blood. He was too drunk to realize that this was an inappropriate thing to ask of a celebrity and that it was just going to make everyone feel uncomfortable. I tried to suggest "feeling it out" and "reading the room when he get to him," but he was insistent and drunk and excited. By the time we went up to meet this comedian, I tried really hard to control the conversation and be the first one to talk, but I was too nervous and triggered and I literally couldn't say anything and my partner made a complete fool of both of us. I was so upset and triggered. Usually my trauma response is fawn, especially towards the people I love. But I wasn't going to reinforce in my partner that that was okay. I didn't know what to say that wasn't going to do that, so I didn't really say or do anything. I just stayed silent.

I had so many memories flood my mind that night of my alcoholic father making a fool of himself and his wife and putting his kids in awkward/dangerous situations. I was entirely overwhelmed with the knowing that these two things were connected. Then I told my partner off. I don't usually do this, but I couldn't do anything but to tell him off. And then he did something that blew my mind. Instead of getting defensive and overly insulted and yelling at me, he listened and talked to me about what we could do to avoid this from happening again in the future. *mind explodes*

I never realized that I could have even said something. I could have suggested he not order two more drinks and he would have listened. I could have told him not to propose a group hug and he wouldn't have gotten insulted and caused a huge and embarrassing scene in front of all of these people like my father did for all of those years. This experience didn't erase the fact that I was still extremely embarrassed, but it helped me to trust and to embrace my own voice.

 

[Freddyt]

If you have done work around noticing how you feel and what it links to, what was that process like for you?

I think I made that link pretty quickly in a way. That t-shirt thing "My neck my Back my anxiety attack" is true. Add in a low back injury and I lived with a lot of pain and misery. If I had known PTSD therapy would fix what years of exercises, therapy, massage, medication, and chiropracty hadn't, wow, just wow.
That let me figure out when I feel anxious more then anything else. Now, I feel my neck tighten up - something is bothering me.

As for everything else - because my brain translates everything through that fight or flight filter, everything comes in tinged. Grounding fixes so much when you learn how. It lets you stay present and you begin to trust what you are feeling and turn off the alarm bells going off in your head and body. When you stop overthinking and catasrophizing there's less stress so you stay present more. But it's a big step in recognizing where that stress comes from. Therapy helps you figure out why. Its also a big step in learning to manage that stress.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I also make notes in my phone throughout the day, and revisit them to study their causes. A couple of weekends ago I hit a huge milestone.

My partner and I went on a trip to go see a comedian we both love. We got there early so that we could eat and get some drinks before the show. During the show we ordered some more drinks, but I wanted to keep it minimal because this was someone I really admired and I knew that there might be a chance we could meet him. Then during the show, the comedian actually mentioned that he was going to be at the doors and to come say hello after the show. My partner missed it when he said that and I noticed that he was beginning to get more tipsy, which normally I don't mind because I love to drink and have fun with him. But it was starting to make me feel nervous for if he was going to embarrass me in front of this comedian who I really admire. He ordered another shot and another 16 ounce pour of beer.

The show ends and we start to line up to buy some merch and head out the door, where the comedian was meeting and taking pictures with everyone. My partner is a really friendly and loving person, but when he told me he was going to propose a group hug with the comedian, my face lost blood. He was too drunk to realize that this was an inappropriate thing to ask of a celebrity and that it was just going to make everyone feel uncomfortable. I tried to suggest "feeling it out" and "reading the room when he get to him," but he was insistent and drunk and excited. By the time we went up to meet this comedian, I tried really hard to control the conversation and be the first one to talk, but I was too nervous and triggered and I literally couldn't say anything and my partner made a complete fool of both of us. I was so upset and triggered. Usually my trauma response is fawn, especially towards the people I love. But I wasn't going to reinforce in my partner that that was okay. I didn't know what to say that wasn't going to do that, so I didn't really say or do anything. I just stayed silent.

I had so many memories flood my mind that night of my alcoholic father making a fool of himself and his wife and putting his kids in awkward/dangerous situations. I was entirely overwhelmed with the knowing that these two things were connected. Then I told my partner off. I don't usually do this, but I couldn't do anything but to tell him off. And then he did something that blew my mind. Instead of getting defensive and overly insulted and yelling at me, he listened and talked to me about what we could do to avoid this from happening again in the future. *mind explodes*

I never realized that I could have even said something. I could have suggested he not order two more drinks and he would have listened. I could have told him not to propose a group hug and he wouldn't have gotten insulted and caused a huge and embarrassing scene in front of all of these people like my father did for all of those years. This experience didn't erase the fact that I was still extremely embarrassed, but it helped me to trust and to embrace my own voice.

Drunk people give me a bad feeling too....my father was a drunk.....almost every night....and first thing on weekend mornings. Yep.....if I drink something, it's usually a really small amt.....I can't stand sloppy, rude drunks......to much reminder of my childhood drunk father.