Life is a series of distractions.

[Skywatcher]

This is also so strange for me. It’s like, first off it’s weird…and secondly, my brain kind of rejects child-me. Like something is wrong with child-me.

I can more easily connect with teenage me as well. It’s still uncomfortable, but more doable. My T wants to revisit child-me at some point, but we’ve got enough to sort through at the moment without adding in child work, too.

Do you currently have a trauma therapist? I’ve got lots of “parts” inside my head (not DID) - my T and I are doing EMDR and IFS (internal family systems). EMDR is helping me process my trauma. IFS is helping me identify my parts, describe how I experience them (especially when triggered), and learn how to get “everyone” to cooperate and (most important for me) to quiet down in there lol. It’s loud in my head and I have a lot of parts in conflict.

A lot of people have said IFS is weird or encourages the parts to become more split, but for me it felt very natural and has actually made me feel more “whole”. I know all my parts are ME, but I have a number of them that are a bit out of control and I couldn’t understand why I was engaging in behaviors that felt like “not me”. Recognizing my parts, learning the WHY behind their behaviors, and giving them what they need is helping me heal and learn new skills.


Story of my life!! I was so good at distracting myself for so many years…until I wasn’t anymore. Through therapy, I realized the distractions were actually hindering real healing.

It’s interesting to find people who have a similar brain and therapy experience to me on this site.

 

[Dynamic]

Good to hear from you wisteria! I am low on words but thought you should know I don't think you're a weirdo, I like you and think you are funny!

 

[Renly]

When I started therapy, the first thing I mentioned was feeling like Jekyll and Hyde. I've come to realize that's a gross oversimplification. I don't know why I've created all these characters to deal with the pain. Seems handier to deal with it head on, instead I've got Emily, Sequoia, Buttercup, to name a few, and I feel so disconnected from them all. I can have great empathy for Emily, but boy, tell me Emily is me and all that empathy vanishes. I tried researching Inner Child again and instant anxiety resulted- i absolutely hate the idea. Reading Healing the Fragmented Selves helps appeal to the logical side of me, but when I sit there and talk to Emily, yikes do I feel like a weirdo.

idk.....that's where I'm at. *sigh*

I relate to this very much.

 

[wisteria]

It’s interesting to find people who have a similar brain and therapy experience to me on this site.

Ditto. And thank you for reminding me of @Renly s earlier post. ....

More to follow

 

[wisteria]

I was starting to feel delusional, which probably isn't the right definition of delusional, but I was starting to feel like I was making all my characters up.

It's always been so important to me to appear 'normal,' one of the many reasons why I struggle to share anything, even with my therapist. My appointment isn't until tomorrow but already I find myself anxious at the thought of sharing 'too much.' Last week I dared to expound on Emily. Do I dare share the rest? I fear if I don't, we'll go down a misguided and potentially harmful path. If I do share, I fear he'll think I'm creating elaborate stories.... Which I suppose I am...... But are they false stories that bring me comfort for some weird reason? Cuz I don't hear voices (other than vicious critic). If I had 'real parts' wouldn't I hear voices?

I tried just now writing a bit more about Emily, but it was so confusing even to me that I erased it. It just doesn't make sense.

Maybe a false story is worth exploring, I suppose. 'client believes she is an owl, why does she believe she is an owl?' That's kind of how outlandish I feel. Clearly I'm not an owl. Clearly I don't have parts? What comfort does it give me to believe I do? That's the route I fear he'll take, which would probably make me feel worse.

 

[wisteria]

Maybe I am an owl! Sorry, needed a chuckle. I think Emily is here. I'm trying to learn when I am triggered. I got out my instrument of destruction. Not sure why. I don't really feel suicidal but I felt compelled to do so. That is scary. So I texted a crisis line. That got me no where. I guess cuz the immediate crisis had passed and they are short staffed, response time was greatly lagging and not incredibly helpful. Not sure what I was expecting. I really like the idea of TEXTING a crisis line since I hate talking on phones, but I don't think the idea is fully supported yet.

Regardless. Wth? So now I'm binging Life Is Us, crying, drinking, trying not to think about SI (unsuccessfully). The crying is probably good in a warped way. Earlier I was a blob for hours, staring into space, horribly disconnected. Tears means I'm feeling again. good, right? Sure. Just stay away from risky objects lol.

 

[Renly]

Maybe I am an owl! Sorry, needed a chuckle. I think Emily is here. I'm trying to learn when I am triggered. I got out my instrument of destruction. Not sure why. I don't really feel suicidal but I felt compelled to do so. That is scary. So I texted a crisis line. That got me no where. I guess cuz the immediate crisis had passed and they are short staffed, response time was greatly lagging and not incredibly helpful. Not sure what I was expecting. I really like the idea of TEXTING a crisis line since I hate talking on phones, but I don't think the idea is fully supported yet.

Regardless. Wth? So now I'm binging Life Is Us, crying, drinking, trying not to think about SI (unsuccessfully). The crying is probably good in a warped way. Earlier I was a blob for hours, staring into space, horribly disconnected. Tears means I'm feeling again. good, right? Sure. Just stay away from risky objects lol.

Hi @wisteria (and Emily). I am trying to learn when I am triggered, too. It can be tricky sometimes. I’m proud of you for texting a crisis line. I haven’t yet, but I have a window open to one on my internet in case I need to. Crying is good because you are processing. I’ve been numb all day so I’m kinda worried when the feeling come back I’ll be in the same boat. Sending support for you to stay away from risky objects. I know how that goes!

 

[Dynamic]

Hey I'm sitting at a park so I don't freak out. Sitting with you.

 

[wisteria]

Thank you @Defaultxlove and @Renly for making me feel less alone

 

[wisteria]

i noticed i jerk awake while drifting off to sleep again. i haven't done that since i was 19 and in the throes of my PTSD. there must be some connection.

i also noticed that my therapist hardly said my name yesterday during our meeting, probably because we were talking about Emily.

side note. i realize the importance of saying my name in therapy and I appreciate it. but let me tell you.........i am trying to use this Ginger app where you connect via chat to a behavioral health coach and omg, it irritates the hell out of me when she overuses my name. my defenses kick in and my thoughts are 'you don't fricken know me, don't make like you are my friend.' Clearly in that case, seeing/hearing my name is extremely off-putting to me. I'm kinda tired of the Ginger app anyway because her answers are usually- journal, deep breathing, or go hiking- so I tend to roll my eyes when she suggests one. Ok, did all those, still feeling the same, now what? Then I get the old "when's your next therapy appointment?" Yep, thanks for nothing.

But back to my T. I appreciate him not saying my name, as doing so would have encouraged me to shove Emily back in her box. I have to give him credit for realizing that. Since I'm still doubtful of his abilities, good to give him credit where credit is due!

 

[wisteria]

I can't believe my sister is gone. I can't believe she couldn't reach out to me before she died. It is still so hard not to take that personally. I hate that her kids won't talk to me either. It's hard not to take that personally as well. But I also know she was in a depth of pain herself, both physically and mentally. And I know her kids learned from her, just like I learned from my mom. I blindly followed my mom's beliefs for many many years as well, before realizing the error in her ways. It's just so hard cuz my family is so f*cked. My sister and dad are dead, my mom is a covert narcissist, my sister's kids won't talk to me. I've got one uncle who I text on rare occasion. that's it.

and yet i feel the need to go back East, visit my old stomping grounds yet again. What the hell would that prove? I don't want to see her gravestone. And I can't take my pups with my unless I drive, and they are my primary support. 3000 miles, i'm not going to drive with these gas prices.

my sister's ex suggested that she had some avoidant personality disorder. maybe she hated herself as much as i hated myself. that helps me to understand her and not take it personally, to a point. i isolate myself after all, because i think people are better off without me. maybe she did the same. what does that say about our family to produce two kids who hated themselves so much? sad. i hope she found some happiness before she left.

 

[Renly]

I appreciate him not saying my name, as doing so would have encouraged me to shove Emily back in her box. I have to give him credit for realizing that. Since I'm still doubtful of his abilities, good to give him credit where credit is due!

Boy can I relate to this! I am always shoving Halsey back in her box - she has a lot of things to say, but I feel "crazy" and I struggle with feeling that T doesn't believe me. Even though she has given me no reason to think that. The big problem for me is Halsey hicjacks me sometimes and I feel out of control of my behaviors. I don't like feeling out of control (although sometimes in the moment I DO like being out of control....it's just cleaning up the messes later that is the issue). I am glad your T is insightful and giving you reasons to strengthen your therapeutic relationship.

I can't believe my sister is gone

I am so sorry - I can't even imagine. Sending lots of hugs as I am low on words.

i isolate myself after all, because i think people are better off without me.

This is not true, but I can relate. You are a valuable person with so much to offer the world