L
Looking For Help
Recently, I had flashbacks of things that happened when I was younger, over a decade ago. I don‘t know my exact age when these events took place, somewhere inbetween 11 - 13 probably? It‘s hard for me to say because the memories lack contextual clues. What I do remember though has made me realize that my actions back then were sexual abusive towards my younger (3 & 6 years younger) siblings.
My memories are mostly sensory and flashes of visual, but what I have been able to combine is that I asked my younger siblings (I don‘t know if both were involved or only one?) to come cuddle in my room. I would then (I‘m so disgusted to write this) place them on top of me and move them so that their private parts would rub against mine. I had seen this in movies and people on MovieStarPlanet were also doing this in private chatrooms with their avatars, and I had already tried this with my stuffed animals and learnt it felt good. So, clearly sexual intent, because I knew it was sexual behavior. Afterwards, we would cuddle normally. I remember this happening once fully clothed and once in underwear (no idea how we ended up in underwear, or how I got the idea to do that - pretty sure I persuaded them to do that). I don‘t know if it happened more than those two instances? Maybe a third or forth time? I simply do not know and it upsets me a lot. I think I also remember my youngest brother being uncomfortable? And I think I labelled this as „butt-massaging“ or something like that? I’m so disgusted typing this out. I have a really hard time piecing the memories together. I‘m also struggling a lot with other memories mixing up with the ones I have as an attempt for me to fill the gaps in my memory. The only reason why I can pinpoint my age is because a play-fight with my middle brother escalated in us being in a similar position when I was 14 and my youngest brother came in and was visibly disturbed. If that didn‘t happen, I wouldn‘t even be sure that I wasn‘t 16,17,18. i simply do not remember. Is there a way for me to remember? I‘m really scared I‘m repressing details that would make it even worse, like if they cried and I ignored it or stuff like that.
I don‘t know how to go on with life knowing I did that. Having done that to my younger siblings, to literal children, is atrocious and horrible and I don‘t understand why I would do that. Yes, I was curious, but I should have known better. I harmed children, in the worst way possible. I‘m so, so incredibly sorry for what has happened. It was never discovered or disclosed, and when I recently talked to my siblings about if something from our childhood was bothering them, they answered no and that they barely have any memories with me. Which, to me, indicates they probably repressed these events happening. Still means they could feel the consequences and simply not relate it to these events.
The guilt is eating me up. I have spent weeks now reading every bit of information and every survivor story there is out there on the topic. I‘ve talked to hotlines. I‘ve cried and cried and I don‘t deserve the pain to stop because I have caused much bigger pain. I can‘t go on with my day-to-day activities. I cannot think of anything else, even for a second. Child abusers don’t deserve shit, and I am one. I want to come clean about it, but I feel so lost because my brothers don‘t remember and what if I do more damage right now?. They deserve an apology and for me to take responsibility. Their healing is priority number 1.
If you, too, have been a victim of COCSA or SSA, I‘m so sorry. So, so sorry. You did not deserve this. It wasn‘t your fault, and it‘s not your shame to carry. I hope you‘ll be able to heal.
My memories are mostly sensory and flashes of visual, but what I have been able to combine is that I asked my younger siblings (I don‘t know if both were involved or only one?) to come cuddle in my room. I would then (I‘m so disgusted to write this) place them on top of me and move them so that their private parts would rub against mine. I had seen this in movies and people on MovieStarPlanet were also doing this in private chatrooms with their avatars, and I had already tried this with my stuffed animals and learnt it felt good. So, clearly sexual intent, because I knew it was sexual behavior. Afterwards, we would cuddle normally. I remember this happening once fully clothed and once in underwear (no idea how we ended up in underwear, or how I got the idea to do that - pretty sure I persuaded them to do that). I don‘t know if it happened more than those two instances? Maybe a third or forth time? I simply do not know and it upsets me a lot. I think I also remember my youngest brother being uncomfortable? And I think I labelled this as „butt-massaging“ or something like that? I’m so disgusted typing this out. I have a really hard time piecing the memories together. I‘m also struggling a lot with other memories mixing up with the ones I have as an attempt for me to fill the gaps in my memory. The only reason why I can pinpoint my age is because a play-fight with my middle brother escalated in us being in a similar position when I was 14 and my youngest brother came in and was visibly disturbed. If that didn‘t happen, I wouldn‘t even be sure that I wasn‘t 16,17,18. i simply do not remember. Is there a way for me to remember? I‘m really scared I‘m repressing details that would make it even worse, like if they cried and I ignored it or stuff like that.
I don‘t know how to go on with life knowing I did that. Having done that to my younger siblings, to literal children, is atrocious and horrible and I don‘t understand why I would do that. Yes, I was curious, but I should have known better. I harmed children, in the worst way possible. I‘m so, so incredibly sorry for what has happened. It was never discovered or disclosed, and when I recently talked to my siblings about if something from our childhood was bothering them, they answered no and that they barely have any memories with me. Which, to me, indicates they probably repressed these events happening. Still means they could feel the consequences and simply not relate it to these events.
The guilt is eating me up. I have spent weeks now reading every bit of information and every survivor story there is out there on the topic. I‘ve talked to hotlines. I‘ve cried and cried and I don‘t deserve the pain to stop because I have caused much bigger pain. I can‘t go on with my day-to-day activities. I cannot think of anything else, even for a second. Child abusers don’t deserve shit, and I am one. I want to come clean about it, but I feel so lost because my brothers don‘t remember and what if I do more damage right now?. They deserve an apology and for me to take responsibility. Their healing is priority number 1.
If you, too, have been a victim of COCSA or SSA, I‘m so sorry. So, so sorry. You did not deserve this. It wasn‘t your fault, and it‘s not your shame to carry. I hope you‘ll be able to heal.
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