Managing symptoms and stress in a relationship (supporters welcome)

[Muttly]

I'm not sure how to phrase my question. And I'm not even exactly sure what I'm asking? I know I am symptomatic right now. I know that's affecting how I interpret things in my relationship with my partner, Tat. Tat is also really stressed right now. Honestly we both have way too much life stuff on our plate. I have been trying to shield him from stuff this week because he's got so much going on and I'm not sure that was right. I also don't want to dump on him. And I want to be supportive. And... I don't know. Normally we make each other happy and right now I don't think we are. I don't want my PTSD to make things worse for him. I don't want it to make it worse for us. I don't know what I am doing or what I should do or even what I need.

We have talked about it together but I would love some outside input?

 

[arfie]

periods such as you are describing here are pretty high on my list of reasons for believing it takes a village to live a healthy life. no one person can be my everything, every day. when my partner and i are not especially good for one another, for whatever reason, we each lean heavily on other members of our village. most especially, i lean heavily on members of my therapy support network. a post very much like this one might be my first leaning.

steadying support while you find your way through.

 

[Muttly]

Thank you Arfie. IT's been a bit since I saw my T but I have a session tomorrow. I have a lot to talk about. I should probably try to be here a bit more too, as symptomatic as I am right now.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's really really hard when you both have stuff going on. For me it feels like I have no anchor when E is going through something and I am in a not good place. I feel like I then don't know what is "right or wrong" about how to behave. Do I keep it all to myself and pretend? Do I tell her and add to her burden? Somehow finding a middle ground seems complicated.

So sorry I don't have words of wisdom save for:.
It passes
And maybe saying what you have said here may help?

 

[Blueseal78]

Sorry that I dont have any advice or answers, just wanted you to know that my partner and I are in very much the same position. Its one problem after another, nothing gets resolved. Too much going on with no answers or help. Lately all we seem to do is argue. He doesn't seem to understand my MH which gets worse by the day and so much else to cope with. Its a perpetual roundabout. Its so hard and frustrating.

 

[Friday]

My best trick is to come up with a shorthand, that lets both parties off the hook, for the foreseeable. Because when either of us is in a “place”? Different rules apply for how we conduct ourselves.

Being able to shift seamlessly INTO different rule sets takes practice, luck/personality, and actually talking about it when we’re both NOT in a place.

It’s very similar to how if you wake up and find your partner has a fever, feels rubbish, and has called out of work sick? You know that the plans for the next few days have just altered. Sick Rules now apply. No fuss, no muss, no problem. Well. Many problems, often a lot of muss (just not the fun kind), and a whole lotta fuss. But? Easily accepted/understood AND accounted for. Like if your going to curl up under a blanket with a bottle of bourbon, the clicker, soup, and be generally pathetic? Fine. Easy as. Start cursing at me? f*ck off. No way in hell. Sick rules don’t include being an asshole to me. Ever.

^^^ There are STILL boundaries in play, for when someone is sick, or symptomatic, or under 80 kinds of stress, or whatever. Just because the rules of engagement have changed, doesn’t mean everything has changed.

***

ANYHOW… 3 of my standby shorthand rules are for codes & isolation & calling a moratorium on major decision making.

- codes are for when I/they/we can’t talk right now. Because feelings. And stuff. And whatever. But we can still touch an earring, or use hand signs, or send an asterisk in a text message.
- isolation is -ideally- worked out in advance for what we’re both comfy with / the intersection in the ven diagram between what we need and what we want.
- NO DECISIONS (Yo! I’m calling a moratorium on major decision making!) are very brief/limited periods of time to prevent scuttling/sabotaging the relationship -or selling the house, quitting jobs, etc.- because I/they/we are in a nuke everything mood (midterms, finals, injuries, illness, holidays, weddings, whatever stressor has just thunked itself down and caused I/they/we to be reactive as f*ck).

 

[Tinyflame]

I've always heard when people are close they are usually thinking or worrying about the same effect on the other but do not voice it, at least with fears and grief, or for example if one person is dying and there is advance warning. I think it also depends on how honest and vulnerable people can be with each other, and how understanding (in the true sense).

Hope you are feeling better soon. Hugs to you.

 

[Freida]

I agree with @Friday ....ground rules set when you are both in a good place is a life/relationship changer
Coming up with it ahead of time helps sooo much because you are working as a team to deal with the times you can't be a team

What do I say when I want need to be left alone? I'm going to my room
What does he say when I am triggered and don't realize it? Go to your room
What do we say when we are bickering and need a time out ? Go to our rooms (both) and come back in 20 minutes to regroup

The "go to you room" thing actually came out of a hysterically funny conversation hubby and I had when we were talking about communicating in bad times. So it just...stuck. But now, when things get bad, it's a phrase we both can use that has something good associated with it. And it's not said in anger. It's said as just a fact. One that we agreed on together.

 

[Freddyt]

The first thing to recognize is - that the worse your PTSD symptoms the more negative all input becomes.

You don't need to interperet or anything - just fight back that initial angry/stressed response and kinow to say now is not a good time for this. The same as @frieda and the "go to your room". You are not in a plae where yu are doing anyone any good by continuing.

When you have to talk - you said - I heard. Because it helps them understand where your head is and how messed up the message is. When that changes to something non threatening and non confronting to you they start to understand.

My wife is getting there with clear communication - statement of fact, clear non inflective statements. Positivity. Because you can find something to be anxious about in everything they say.

In time your parner gets better at reading you and you get your own form of "go to your room".

 

[Muttly]

Thank you all. I think acknowledging it, here and with him has helped a lot.

codes are for when I/they/we can’t talk right now. Because feelings. And stuff. And whatever. But we can still touch an earring, or use hand signs, or send an asterisk in a text message.

I think this would help both of us. Because he definitely goes quiet when he's having a rough time. And I know that. But without him communicating that he's just taking time for himself, I can start to get super insecure it's related to me. Ugh. Maybe that sounds self-centered

- isolation is -ideally- worked out in advance for what we’re both comfy with / the intersection in the ven diagram between what we need and what we want.

I'm not completely sure what you mean by this? Sorry if I am being dense

And talking about all of this when we are both in a better place is definitely something I will do. We are really good at talking about stuff and listening/sharing with each.

In good news, we were both really worried about his wrist, it was possible something serious was wrong with it. So that's one stressor gone.

 

[Roland]

I agree with @Friday ....ground rules set when you are both in a good place is a life/relationship changer
Coming up with it ahead of time helps sooo much because you are working as a team to deal with the times you can't be a team

What do I say when I want need to be left alone? I'm going to my room
What does he say when I am triggered and don't realize it? Go to your room
What do we say when we are bickering and need a time out ? Go to our rooms (both) and come back in 20 minutes to regroup

The "go to you room" thing actually came out of a hysterically funny conversation hubby and I had when we were talking about communicating in bad times. So it just...stuck. But now, when things get bad, it's a phrase we both can use that has something good associated with it. And it's not said in anger. It's said as just a fact. One that we agreed on together.

I love that

 

[Roland]

I think it's very tricky business. Over time you can learn to recognize that you are being triggered and the way you are reacting to your partner is not truly from your partner, but because you're triggered. If both of you are going through a lot, it's likely you need outside support. It's good you have a therapist, also take advantage of resources like this forum to sort things out. "Self-care", journal, etc. The next thing is, your partner cannot make you happy, you can't expect them to, there's multiple things that will make you feel supported and happy and it can't all hinge on one person. If things go well, this will actually make your relationship stronger. One partner with ptsd absolutely affects the other partner, just as anything one partner has affects the other, but it's absolutely something that can be worked through. But it takes a lot of work. In the meantime, when you're in "redzone crisis mode" take it easy, be understanding towards yourself and your partner. Don't expect there to be magical solutions to everything. It is really hard though, but there's a lot of people that have gone through it in their relationship and come out the other side of it.