Relationship My partner has been isolating himself - what is the best way to ask about it?

[D-sweet]

We are kind of in a new relationship (7months). He has once causally mentioned that he has PTSD. He is currently very stressed and has been disappearing from our relationship for week(s) each time from time to time when he was overwhelmed by demanding workloads. When he reappeared, he would be like nothing happened. i tried to talk every time but still very difficult to get to a point.

I don't want to make PTSD as an excuse for bad behaviors but I am concerned that it could be the reason. What is the best way to get an understanding?

I just wish he could give me some clues (even without telling me what the trauma was) if it's PTSD acting in between.

thanks

 

[Freida]

. I was in hospital and he was still ghosti

From the sufferer side

I HATE hospitals HATE HATE HATE them. Medical crap is a huge part of my pstd so I avoid them at all costs.

When will I go into one? If I'm in a bad place I'll only show up for Hubby and close family and only if it's a serious medical crisis. If I'm in a good place? Might do it for some really, really close friends but no one that hasn't been in my life for 15 or so years and is super close to me . New relationship? Nope. See ya when you get home.

I won't show up because it's just too damn many emotions - especially if I'm already in a bad place
I simply can't deal with needy people when I'm triggered. Not saying that as an insult, but people who are sick are generally needy. They want someone to help them feel better, to care for them, to talk to the doctors with them, to keep them company, share their fear, blah blah blah

And I can't do any of those things if I'm struggling just to stay alive.
So I bail.

Is that why hes ghosting you? Maybe. Maybe not. There could be 100 different reasons and chances are he may not know himself.

But what he's showing you is that this is how he deals with stress. This will probably always be how he deals with stress.
He's not going to change.
So the question becomes, can you be in a relationship with someone who is going to ghost you on a regular basis, even if you are in the hospital?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I still can't fully let go of the feeling of "shutting the door" when I felt disrespected.

he also seemed to be annoyed and irritated after I kept seeking reassurance,

I think there is a major disconnect. You need contact and reassurance. He cannot give you what you need.

This isn’t about “getting him to act right.” This is how he acts. Period. The only thing you can change is your behavior. You can wait around while he ghosts you during your birthday and while you’re in the hospital OR you can grieve and move on to somebody who will cherish you and give you what you need.

You can’t fix PTSD. You cannot wait it out. This is him when the honeymoon period is over.

 

[Friday]

This isn’t about “getting him to act right.” This is how he acts. Period.

This.

You can wait around while he ghosts you during your birthday and while you’re in the hospital OR you can grieve and move on to somebody who will cherish you and give you what you need.

 

[D-sweet]

thank you all for your responses. I have decided to move on and ended the relationship (one-sided) since he is still ghosting.

 

[Roland]

thank you all for your responses. I have decided to move on and ended the relationship (one-sided) since he is still ghosting.

Read this whole thread, I’m proud of you for this, because I’m sure it was and is hard for you, but it is likely the right choice. Hopefully you find someone that is more compatible for you that will love and respect you in the way you need and deserve.

 

[D-sweet]

Read this whole thread, I’m proud of you for this, because I’m sure it was and is hard for you, but it is likely the right choice. Hopefully you find someone that is more compatible for you that will love and respect you in the way you need and deserve.

Thank you, it's hard and I wanted to be his supporter but it turned out, probably, we aren't compatible. I am still trying to process my own emotions, lots of mixed emotions but I believe time will heal.

and thank you everyone for being a great support and providing your perspectives over the time. It's much appreciated.

 

[D-sweet]

After I sent the message, he didn't acknowledge anything but instead just sent me a xmas greeting message. I am confused if I am dealing with someone being affected by PTSD symptoms or someone who could've become a jerk. im moving on but it still bothers me. Can anybody help please?

 

[LuckiLee]

Maybe he's a jerk with ptsd.

 

[Freida]

Maybe he's a jerk with ptsd.

This.
Having ptsd does not give us the right to be asshats.
If he wants you he has to be willing to do the work. Otherwise he's not worth having around

 

[Soleil]

This.
Having ptsd does not give us the right to be asshats.
If he wants you he has to be willing to do the work. Otherwise he's not worth having around

I second and third this lol. A thousand times.

We can only work on/change US. We can't do the work for or change others.

If they're not willing to do their work, then they don't deserve to be part of our lives. Or in our thoughts. (They're not paying rent for the space in our heads lol.)

Keep working on you honey, and the right man for you will come along.

 

[D-sweet]

thank you all for your reply. it helps relieving when my empathy is overloaded and kill any false hope.

 

[Friday]

After I sent the message, he didn't acknowledge anything but instead just sent me a xmas greeting message. I am confused if I am dealing with someone being affected by PTSD symptoms or someone who could've become a jerk. im moving on but it still bothers me. Can anybody help please?

My best, and oldest friend, of nearly 30 years… I haven’t spoken to since (the day before) I cried my way through her dad’s funeral & dropped off bubbles at her doorstep… because I couldn’t GET to her dad’s funeral. I was 1 stree up. I watched it, from the roof of my car,

I was there for her, in the emergency, of her dad’s death. Whom I loved, dearly. The public grieving? I couldn’t handle. I was there, well, a street away, up the hill, although I doubt she knows that. In the normal course of events I’d have reached out, again, in a few months. But my son was having a hard time, and Covid happened, and even flickering my thoughts her way causes so much heartbreak I often end up puking my guts out. I love her. Dearly. But I will also never be a good friend. She’s MY best friend. I have very little doubt I’ve NOT been hers, for over 20 years.

Her dad’s funeral? That was a few years ago, now. She’s had 2 kids since then… that I wasn’t there for. That I can’t be there for.

Nearly 3o years… and I will still drop off the face of the map. For years at a time. Because the first call/card/contact? Means all the things. That I cannot handle. Calls, & getting together, & group events, &… all the things I WISH I could be there, for. And can, when I’m doing well. And lose weeks to puking/panic attacks/pain when I’m doing badly, and no show on.

She’s doing well. I keep tabs. Even though I cannot be there, and may never be able to be there, again. This is the 4th or 5th time I’ve dropped off the face of the planet in our relationship. My feelings? Are unchanged. I love her. But I am not able to be a part of her life. In another life, maybe. But in this one? I am too f*cked up. Maybe I’ll get back to normal, and maybe, she’ll forgive me my absence. Or maybe not. I certainly expect nothing from her. Except to live her life. Both because she’s amazing, and because she should.

Relationships of a few weeks/months? I don’t think twice about walking away from.

thank you all for your reply. it helps relieving when my empathy is overloaded and kill any false hope.

I’m sorry that… speaking ALSO as a supporter, meaning no snark whatsoever… that this isn’t like Cancer. With either remission or death, but resolution either way. But instead? Everything can be INTENSE, and passionate, and perfect, and then? Just vanish. Or not. Or… so many “WTF is wrong with you?!?” kinds of things. Even when you know exactly what is wrong. But reality & reality just don’t line up.


Live your life. Be amazing. That’s the best gift you can ever give anyone who loves or has loved you.