Urge To Cut Is Back

[Vcircle]

I have been in a depression for the past few months and have been getting support from a psych who helps me with my kids but isn't qualified to help with adults or depression. I know I need to go back to my old T but i would rather die (literally) than go thru all the pain of digging up the past stuff. I never want to tell anyone about the cutting or suicide ideation. It is such a secret and a burden to carry around, but I can't tell anyone. I don't even want to tell my old T (who I had told before when i went thru a bad patch about 10 yrs ago). I did go to a clin psych twice recently ( at my kids's psychs insistence) and we went too deep too quickly and I freaked out. She was a new T and said to me 'before we go forward you have to discuss your past so we can sort some things out'. Logically I know this - but i just froze and couldnt do it.I never went back. I am in limbo.

I feel like a total freak. I am intelligent, well respected, depended upon, really worthy person in society - but I do really, really bad stuff to myself and want to throw my life away. I just can't reconcile that with myself. i feel like I am slowly killing myself and cannot find a spark to life anymore. I have a husband and 3 kids. But i just don't feel like i deserve this life.

I read these everyday and get so much out of knowing that you guys are here. I count this forum as my support network even if i don't reach out for help very often.

 

[Heather]

. It is such a secret and a burden to carry around, .

hi vcircle - for this very reason - you have to deal with it. you owe it to yourself. it sucks believe me i know. i'm the poster child of avoidance. you need to find a therapist you can trust and feel comfortable working with and that takes time. only share what you're comforable with.

what's that saying from AA: you're only as sick as your secrets.

take care of yourself. Heather

 

[Heather]

I keep sliding backwards. I found some razor blades and made several cuts on my arm. Nothing to deep just enough to hurt and sting.

My therapist said that cutting for me is like a drug. I've never thought of it like that before. Does anyone that cuts themselves been told by their therapist that? Most times I don't even feel pain when I'm doing it. It only hurts after I'm done. I guess that's why I've been able to cut myself to the point where I've needed stitches on several different occasions.

 

[Marie E.]

Heather, my T has told me this as well and I now come to think of it as well. I rather pick at my skin, my legs for relief. Though my legs are looking better and face. I catch myself picking on my legs last night and today.

What helps me is to keep the blades out of sight or put them out of sight. To try do other things that are relaxing that are harmless, though it is better said than done.

I like to read, eat chocolate, play with my kids, watch scary movies on demand (free) or sometimes order them. Try a new hobby, talk to some friends.

You can also tell yourself that you don't need the blades to cut yourself, opposing to the negative thoughts/memories in your brain.

Keep talking to your T. And don't get down on yourself if you have fall backs.

Much care to you Heather!! Take care of yourself. Remember that you are never alone!!
(((Big Hugs))) and Linking Arms always!!!

Marie

 

[MurphyJB]

I'm technically a "carer" on this forum, but I'm also a cutter. I cut myself for the first time when I was 14. My dad started hitting me and this on top of years of verbal and psychological abuse just pushed me over the edge. I cut to deal with all of the overwhelming feelings. Cutting just made them all go away, so I didn't have to think about them. I also developed an eating disorder during this time, so I would cut myself as a punishment for eating. When my parents found out, my dad started hitting me more. Ironic, huh? I would also hit myself to the point where both my legs were completely covered in bruises. Ive stopped on and off, but always seem to resort back to it when things get tough. I haven't cut for about 4 or 5 months. My boyfriend, the one with PTSD, cut himself a couple months a go to the point where I had to take him to the hospital for stitches. He told me that if I start cutting again he'll break up with me. Pretty scary, as that is really my only coping mechanism for really bad stress. I guess we'll just see what happens...

 

[Heather]

My boyfriend, the one with PTSD, cut himself a couple months a go to the point where I had to take him to the hospital for stitches. He told me that if I start cutting again he'll break up with me.

Ok - Normally, I'm all about being supportive but reading this really set me off WTF ? It's ok for him to cut himself to the point where he needs stitches but if you slip up he's going to break up with you? I'm sorry if that were my boyfriend he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore.

You are dealing with so much baggage from your past and to have someone put those conditions on you, you do not need that! That is not support. That is very manipulative on his part. You need someone who is going to be there for YOU when you need understanding not someone who's going to issue ultimatums.

I wish you the best. Heather

 

[Heather]

Hi Marie -

You know how much I love and care about you. My therapist has out sick so I wasn't able to see him this week *sigh* but I talked to the guy that was covering crisis. It helped..... I did my usual bit**ing and moaning. I've been having these really icky dreams lately and ofcourse there's my mother (yucks) which just adds to what I'm going through.

Add all of that and the urge to cut goes through the roof. I told the crisis guy about my mom but not about the dreams. I'll save that for when my therapist is done being sick. It helped to vent about my mother because she grates on my nerves which increases my stress and then leads me to want to cut. He also said he'd alert the on-call team over the weekend and if I needed to call I could. I think I should be ok. If I keep my distance from her for awhile I should be alright. She's like radiation the more the exposure the worse the effect.

I bought kettle popcorn drizzled in chocolate with chocolate chips. Yum! It's delicious. Linking arms with you too. Hugs and endless support from my end. Love you, Heather

 

[Marie E.]

I've got chocolate too!!!!!! Yummy!! And I Love you too Heather (((Big Hugs))) Linking Arms!!

Hi, I'm Marie and I'm a chocoholic lmao!!

 

[MurphyJB]

Ok - Normally, I'm all about being supportive but reading this really set me off WTF ? It's ok for him to cut himself to the point where he needs stitches but if you slip up he'sgoing to break up with you? I'm sorry if that were my boyfriend he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore.

I completely agree with you. He's still my boyfriend...but we talked about it the other night. Your response is actually what prompted me to bring it up. (thanks :) ) He said he only said that because he thought it would stop me from wanting to. I explained how it made me feel and all that jazz...he apologized, said it won't happen again. So we shall see if he meant it.

 

[Heather]

Your response is actually what prompted me to bring it up.

Hi Murphy - WOW! Maybe I should have outbursts like that more often

. Hopefully, he meant it and will knock of the sh*t! because commens like that are definitely NOT helpful. Or maybe it was my kidney stone talking

.

Bottom line, I'm glad you talked to him and told him how you were feeling. Good for you.

Take care. Hugs and Love. Heather

 

[blueangel371115]

I quit drinking then I slipped and the one time I cut myself, I wound up in the ER. I wanted to kill the pain. It scared me. I thought about shaving me head ( i.e Britney Spears) or getting piercings. I think that it's because I feel dead inside sometimes and pain is the only to see if I'm alive. That's why I drank ( I liked the whiskey's burn). Ans no I'm not advocating drinking to anyone. That would be bad, very bad. Just my two cents, don't worry guys, I'm doing good today. No crazy thoughts.

 

[freakofnurture]

I'm surprised that there are people that cut as a form of punishment, I only cut as a form of coping.

I though about it and found that there are many different reasons why I have cut myself. But mostly it was to force myself to focus on something that didn't involve toxic emotions, or to make the world more 'right' by destroying a part of my disgustingly worthless self.

Self-harm can develop a dynamic of its own and thus become a problem in its own right. But in general I understand cutting/burning/scratching/... as a symptom and don't see anything wrong with it. If the patient gets better, the symptoms go away. There simply are illnesses that leave scars on the body.