Other Aspergers... sigh...

[Ecdysis]

I had an Asperger's diagnosis about 10 years ago... in the end I basically ended up ignoring it tho...

It's an issue again now, as I'm going through a general diagnostic process with my T.

It's become such a fad diagnosis so I don't even know whether to take it seriously or not.

But just as you can basically "spot" people with ADHD, I can often "spot" people with Aspergers too.

And I think my dad has it, I think my brother has it.

I think my mother (who was incapable of empathy) may have had a more pronounced autism disorder.

So there could definitely be a genetic component.

And if I look at my childhood and schooling as if I'm looking at some other kid, then I'd be like "yah, probably Aspergers".

Sigh... I just don't know if I want to deal with this...

I've just emailed my T about it tho... so now I'll have to talk about it at the next appointment.

It would also explain the symptoms that he'd thought might be due to schizoid PD.

Ugh... for f*ck's sake... I don't want another thing to deal with...

Tho rationally, I do realise that dealing with it will make it easier, not harder...

It's the same as stuff like asthma or diabetes... ignored and untreated, it makes your life more complicated and difficult than if you just deal with it and get the appropriate treatment and adjust your life accordingly.

 

[arfie]

i'm with you on whether to take that dx seriously, ecdysis. i started kindergarten as a "retard" in 1959, still not talking. at that stage, autism awareness was advanced enough that there might have been speculation that i was autistic rather than retarded. the instability of my childhood leaves the proof unavailable, one way or the other. for sure, the "retarded" label fell by the wayside when around 4th grade when i was still not talking, but i started testing off the charts in academic testing. it took a few more years before i started talking. in my own memory of my preverbal years, i wasn't talking because nobody was listening. i remember music as my first language.

as "the spectrum" began developing around the turn of the millennium, people began hounding me to be tested. by this time, i was middle aged and was mostly pleased with my progress. i am not a great fan of the name game. i go for what works. call ^it^ whatever gets **my life** working in **your head**, my experting friend.

 

[Ecdysis]

Yeah... I feel really conflicted about it at the moment... I think what may end up making me go down this route is that the "high-functioning" autism thing has applied to me all my life - and I'm 95% sure that those symptoms are due to Aspergers, not due to the trauma I experienced in childhood - and as I'm getting older, going through menopause... the "high-functioning" bit has soooooooooo stopped being a thing... I'm barely functioning at all now... So all my life it's taken a huge amount of effort and energy expended to be "high-functioning" enough to pass as non-Aspergers... And I think I just don't have the energy for it anymore... to constantly make up for it, compensate for it... I don't think I have it in me anymore... So now it really is messing with my life in very material ways... Not sure that I can actually afford to ignore this any longer...

 

[Weemie]

Schizoid and autism are very difficult for clinicians to separate, especially if your symptoms started in childhood. I developed RAD by the time I had conscious memory recollection, and was misdiagnosed as NVLD, which is a sort of "autism-lite" that existed back then. Doctors told my mom at age 5 I was "probably autistic" && I even had linguistic delays and needed to start school a year later (6 instead of 5).

On my very first introduction thread here you can see that I still thought I was autistic, since that was the diagnosis (NVLD at the time, now it's just ASD). From first-hand experience, the differences are subtle but distinct: people with ASD struggle with cognitive empathy - once they know what's going on, they will have appropriate emotional responses. With SZPD, the problem is affective. We already know what other people are feeling/likely to feel and have normal social skills. We don't have typical feelings, and we don't want to socialize.

My mom has autism (schizo-spectrum disorders and autism are genetically related - where you find one you will typically find the other, and we have both autism and schizo thru my entire family) and the distinction is apparent. She wants to connect to others and socialize, but does not possess the skills to do so adequately. Asperger's itself no longer exists as a diagnosis in the DSM V, it has been replaced by Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Whether or not it's a fad, if it's meaningful for you to pursue assessment, you are justified in doing so. Regardless of whether you attain a diagnosis, the problems you have will still be present and still pose issues. Being undiagnosed won't change the actual "Stuff" you struggle with, and neither will being diagnosed confer new symptoms upon you. You will still be the same person, regardless of your decision.

You can of course choose not to engage with it at all. That is also a perfectly valid option.

 

[Teasel]

Figuring out I'm autistic has been life changing and positive for me.

I struggle enormously to function also. Particularly since menopause. I saw a talk by Rachel Mosely who studies autism and menopause amongst other things. I remember from her talk her saying they affect each other a lot.

 

[arfie]

when i started psychotherapy in 1972, not too many of the 21st century dx'es had arrived yet and nobody knew what file folder to slide a child sex trafficking survivor into. they still don't, but? ? ? different thread. . . as the dx'es and sub-dx'es rapid cycled through my awareness, it became my policy to look at available treatments before i entertained the notion of putting yet another dx on my psychosmorgasbord. if no treatment plans are available, what's the point in yet another badge of dishonor?

in the 1990's, adult autism had no treatment options available. it felt utterly pointless to jump the hoops to obtain a dx. that was around 30 years ago. allot can change in 30 years.

 

[Ecdysis]

T sent me an autism questionnaire. And I've contacted the place that did the original diagnosis 10 years ago. I can probably pick up the report on Monday, which will presumably make the diagnostic process a lot easier.

I still feel conflicted about it.
One the one hand it explains so much and it feels totally like a "shoe that fits" (in reference to my other thread about diagnoses).

On the other hand it feels like a label of "what is wrong with me". Also feels like not much "treatment or therapy" regarding Aspergers will happen, after the label is applied.

Also (in true Asperger fashion) I don't want to belong to that community and don't want to deal with the social/ interpersonal aspects of this. (Another tick on the diagnostic questionnaire...) Also the fad thing annoys me and I want to completely ignore that aspect of it.

I'm trying to focus on some positive things that may come of this: my employment offers may be geared to this diagnosis and I may get help finding Asperger-compatible work, making that s less frustrating and feaught experience. Also, the treatment and therapy I'm currently getting may be adjusted a bit to better accommodate this diagnosis and what it entails.

Edit to add: Also some regret that a proper diagnosis didn't happen until mid 30s first time and it's taking til now, late 40s, for anything to be done about it. Wish I'd known it as a child and young adult. Would've made a lot of stuff a lot easier.

Also annoyed at myself for not pursuing this more diligently.

Also wondering whether I'll eventually talk to my Dad about this (who will also tell my brother). Im 99.5% sure they both have it too. Don't want to deal with their denial about it tho. So I'll probably just say I have it and leave it at that. If they want to connect the dots, they can.

 

[Ecdysis]

I've bought these two as audiobooks... finding them very helpful.

Aspergirls

Aspergers and Girls


Also starting to divvy up: what stuff is Aspergers, what stuff is PTSD.

Aspergers stuff is not fixable, only manageable. PTSD stuff is (at least in theory) fixable.

Finding it both slightly depressing but also a relief, that I can stop trying to fix unfixable Aspergers stuff.

That's actually quite a huge burden to be putting down. I don't think that's really sunk in yet - I think it will over time.

 

[Friday]

... I think what may end up making me go down this route is that the "high-functioning" autism thing

My cousin has LFA.

What that means? He NEVER progressed beyond apx age 2. He’s 40 years old. He wears a diaper. He paints with his poop. His tantrums are lethal (both to himself & others, as he has no understanding that a 2 story fall will result in broken bones & potential death, a 5 story drop, guaranteed death, that flinging himself into furniture/fire/windows will result in harm). He’s bitten OFF his own fingers, in distress, and bitten off chunks of other people (skin & muscle; the power and strength of someone in their 20’s & 30’s with the vitriol of toddlers).in addition to accidentally killing and maiming several people. Which? Is very normal for his condition. He’s been in care since he was a teenager. And got too big/strong to not accidentally kill his family. He’s an absolute sweetheart, and I love him dearly, but he has ZERO understanding of cause & effect. And does not exist, truly, with rh rest of us. I was accidentally with him once, whilst tripping on acid, and that was the only time I even got a GLIMPSE of his normal life. As we giggled together as the grass sang to us, and 10,000 other things. The caress of the stars. The horror/fear/pain/rage/destroy of a potato chip. Truly, LFA people, may be HOW god watches us. Everything, no filters, at all times.

Even if you’re being cared for in an institution? You have the ability to reason, read, & write… as evidenced by being here, on this forum… so you’re not LFA. Full Stop.

Functional means VERY different things, in different disorders & condition.

You’re a high functioning autistic if you’re not killing/maiming yourself & other people on accident… and completely UNAWARE that you’re doing so, or that’s not a “good” thing.

It’s a veeeeeery low bar. And you are several galaxies over it. As, so many, are NOT.

 

[Ecdysis]

I think maybe I'm getting better at accepting my personal boundaries of what I'm able to do/ not able to do...

With PTSD, I think I'm always pushing those boundaries, trying to get just a bit more done... and then get myself dysregulated, or fibro kicks my ass...

With Aspergers, I think I'm more conscious of "there is only a limited amount of spoons available - and going over that leads to a mess".

I've been questioning myself the last few days... Why/ how did I manage to ignore the diagnosis 10 years ago...? Yes, I was high-functioning enough to be able to "get away" with ignoring it... And yes, since there weren't any tangible treatment options available, it felt like something that was a diagnosis "in theory" but had little tangible effect "in practice"... Also, I think at the time there was a real sense of denial/ unreality about it... I'm not sure I felt ready to really face it... Now, with my functioning at the lowest it's ever been, facing it has developed a new urgency and feels a lot more real...

I'm picking up the old diagnosis report tomorrow afternoon... I wonder what it's going to be like reading it...

 

[Ecdysis]

So much stuff is starting to fall into place... I think this is sort of the "missing puzzle piece" I've been looking for...

And I'm realising that 10 years ago, I wasn't "ready" to deal with this stuff yet, so it's okay, that I'm dealing with it now.

One of the many things that's making sense is how Aspergers helped me to survive some of my childhood abuse "relatively" unscathed.

While Aspergers presents differently in different people, a few of the ways it presents in me are: I'm very interested in facts and "scientific" truth... I don't really care about people's opinions much... I'm very happy doing stuff on my own, relationships are sort of important to me, but they're relatively low on my list of priorities - at least, there's quite a few things that are essential to me, that come higher up on that list...

So, with a large part of the abuse I went through, at the time I *knew* it was wrong, I *knew* it had nothing to do with me, I *knew* the perp was f*cked in the head, I felt disdain for the perp, I looked for ways to escape the situation.

That didn't make me "immune" to the abuse, but it provided a ton of protection and prevented me internalising a lot of the abuse, and meant that my self-esteem was dented but more or less intact and meant that I was advocating for myself and actively seeking a good outcome, as opposed to self-harming or doubting myself.

On the other hand... I can also see the ways in which Aspergers made me soooo much more vulnerable to certain other aspects of childhood trauma... Stuff that other kids would have shaken off easily were a vast chasm for me, that I was utterly unable to navigate...

Similarly, with the trauma I experienced as an adult... I can see how Aspergers made me more vulnerable to being trapped/ tricked, but it also gave me the power to simply end the relationship as soon as it turned dysfunctional. (How bad things got after that, is another story, but it's Aspergers that had me saying "F*ck no " and walking away.

So many other things too... falling into place...

Still a million more things that aren't resolved yet... but I assume they'll fall into place, one after another, and eventually it will all start sinking in...

I'm also chuckling a lot when I identify certain traits of mine that are very much Aspergers... cos they're traits that I really like about myself and really identify with.

I can "see" how they can also be drawbacks in social situations... but I don't care (much)... I really, really like these traits about myself... They're basically my favourite parts of myself...

So it's going to be interesting in terms of therapy... Cos if therapy is an attempt to change those traits, I'm gonna be like heck no...

On the other hand, if therapy is more geared towards learning to deal with the drawbacks of these traits, or learning to mitigate them, or learning to be more aware of them, then that's okay...

 

[Teasel]

Happy for you that it’s all falling into place