General *sigh* and so it continues - Dealing with the aftermath of ending a toxic relationship

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

(And it was VERY eye opening to find out that CPTSD doesn't necessarily involve doing what she does, by the way! I'm not sure, but there must be something else going on there.)

This !!

I messaged to let her know that I was hurt.

Does she actually care that you are hurting?

Others may not agree but IMO if you love someone deeply and have committed fully - it is very, very hard to after a break up ,to move on, move forward or move onto another relationship that quickly. I can only speak for myself when I say so.

 

[Anon1]

Does she actually care that you are hurting?

Others may not agree but IMO if you love someone deeply and have committed fully - it is very, very hard to after a break up ,to move on, move forward or move onto another relationship that quickly. I can only speak for myself when I say so.

Yeah, I think I mistook her wanting a supply for her caring.

I completely understand the emotion in your posts - I think I've found that hard to articulate sometimes... the amount of podcasts and blogs and books and forums I've engaged with...

She doesn't 'owe' me anything for that of course (I chose to do it), but it does add to the pain of being told you don't care and then being thrown away.

I am looking to focus on myself now, but I still have some questions in my brain -

Apparently she went to see multiple psychologists to get the CPTSD diagnosis (here in Europe).

To be fair, that could be because of ignorance in the psychological community.

But I think she was initially diagnosed with BPD (from what I remember), and maybe there's more to that.

Thing is, I was codependent with her yes, but boy is it hard not to be when a person seems nice and is telling you about multiple assaults, and weapons and everything.

And then they're in tears, and telling you how no one understands them... but how you're so great for them, and how they're sooo grateful for you, and how they want to understand every part of you... etc etc etc

And when things declined, they did so fairly nicely at first (it was too much nice attention initially), and then they went downhill steadily after I was right in.

I'm not ranting here - just.... sharing.

I'm moving forward, I just... I like to try to get my head around things if I can...

 

[nursenurse]

That’s the beauty of this place, you can take what you need and let the rest go. Wishing you the best of luck in your journey, nobody said it was easy, but as you should find in time, it is doable, sometimes without the answers we're looking for.

 

[Anon1]

That’s the beauty of this place, you can take what you need and let the rest go. Wishing you the best of luck in your journey, nobody said it was easy, but as you should find in time, it is doable, sometimes without the answers we're looking for.

Agreed, I appreciated your input in general!

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Her threatening to beat you and trying to force you to sleep with her is bad news. I am glad you’re out of it. Reverse the roles and see what you think of it.
I was with someone like that and it did get worse. Went very bad.

I think she just wanted her fix. As others said I also think she used the mental illness as a crutch to try and excuse her behaviour.
Hard to rationalise but sometimes people are just genuine piece of work. Try to resist the self blame. Sounds like a lot to go through you don’t need to be your own enemy ontop of it. Don’t condemn yourself for wanting to be loved and love another. Human bonds are important, we are programmed to want to keep them. Protocol for when things go bad isn’t built-in.

 

[Anon1]

Her threatening to beat you and trying to force you to sleep with her is bad news. I am glad you’re out of it. Reverse the roles and see what you think of it.
I was with someone like that and it did get worse. Went very bad.

I think she just wanted her fix. As others said I also think she used the mental illness as a crutch to try and excuse her behaviour.
Hard to rationalise but sometimes people are just genuine piece of work. Try to resist the self blame. Sounds like a lot to go through you don’t need to be your own enemy ontop of it. Don’t condemn yourself for wanting to be loved and love another. Human bonds are important, we are programmed to want to keep them. Protocol for when things go bad isn’t built-in.

Thank you - my brother used to say this too "Reverse the roles".

He told me that if he saw a guy publicly yelling at a girl like she did to me, he'd be on the verge of calling the police.

But y'know... it's hard.

Because every comment is contextual, every action is like...
"Did they mean that? Did I imagine it? Did it play out that way? Were there mitigating factors? Did I misunderstand?"

I've just decided to take it as "No, I'm completely right" for the moment - just for the moment.

And when I've moved forwards a bit, there'll be time perhaps for considering some nuances.

I think that's about right.

I need to stop being trapped in the situation first - trying to consider the nuances now will just keep me stuck, I think.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Don’t condemn yourself for wanting to be loved and love another. Human bonds are important, we are programmed to want to keep them. Protocol for when things go bad isn’t built-in.

THIS !

As others said I also think she used the mental illness as a crutch to try and excuse her behaviour.
Hard to rationalise but sometimes people are just genuine piece of work. Try to resist the self blame.

( This post is with utmost respect to genuine sufferers of mental illness)
This is only a viewpoint- IMO - I have witnessed many use mental illness as a crutch and a ( believe it or not ) a manipulation tool . It is so sad.
Ex- 1)an adult daughter determines a father's life and happiness using mental illness as a ticket- for money ,to guilt trip, to not work ,for constant attention& control.
2) a child constantly manipulates her mum by " not eating ",not going to school, unless she gets what she wants.
3) mental illness used as a strategy to intentionally and deliberately avoid a genuine and caring friend who wants to be a support(sadly ,like @Anon1 ) but gets tossed, discarded.
4) an offspring who supported a parent through mental illness , now uses it as leverage to fully control parent's life and guilt trip.

 

[Anon1]

THIS !


( This post is with utmost respect to genuine sufferers of mental illness)
This is only a viewpoint- IMO - I have witnessed many use mental illness as a crutch and a ( believe it or not ) a manipulation tool . It is so sad.
Ex- 1)an adult daughter determines a father's life and happiness using mental illness as a ticket- for money ,to guilt trip, to not work ,for constant attention& control.
2) a child constantly manipulates her mum by " not eating ",not going to school, unless she gets what she wants.
3) mental illness used as a strategy to intentionally and deliberately avoid a genuine and caring friend who wants to be a support(sadly ,like @Anon1 ) but gets tossed, discarded.
4) an offspring who supported a parent through mental illness , now uses it as leverage to fully control parent's life and guilt trip.

The person I was with openly talked about manipulation sometimes - either how she could manipulate me, or how she could make her dad do things, etc... it made things very confusing!

Or maybe clearer.

But the confusing part was like "No one just SAYS this stuff... so there must be more to it..." but no - I think sometimes you have to take those kinds of comments on face value.

It wouldn't suprise me if the tendency towards that can flow from a mental health condition, either as a quasi-necessary part of it, or just out of people learning how to get certain needs met... maybe I've done it during hard times in my own life too (without really thinking that that's what I was doing)

 

[Weemie]

But the confusing part was like "No one just SAYS this stuff... so there must be more to it..."

A good majority of people will just tell you to your face what type of person they are. My policy in life is to believe them.

Our culture particularly in North America has this wedge of toxic positivity where when someone tells you their flaws, we are encouraged to be like "oh you're not really like that!" Sometimes people aren't like that in which case that's great. But sometimes they are, and they will almost always have warned you in advance.

I do the same thing and most people ignore it as well, until it hits them through prolonged exposure to me that I am being serious. (I will never form a real emotional bond to another person, including anyone who is friends with me. Yes, even if it's been a long time. Yes, even if we get along very well.)

Even on this very website people will be like "omg don't talk like that about yourself!" when I am being 100% genuine. (Of course I suppose in my case it's more complex as I often say I have zero feelings at all when there is evidence I do. But the bond thing is still very true and is diagnosed in me.)

The narcs and sociopaths and empathy deficient people (including me) see nothing wrong with it, so they are happy to talk about it openly (sometimes to the point of bragging, in fact - like your ex did).

Unfortunately it so happens that extreme trauma or mental illness can produce extreme and often abusive or incoherent behaviors. Most people with shit like bipolar can engage in serious harmful behaviors during mania and if it is untreated as it's neurodegenerative. Same with other psychosis based disorders like schizophrenia.

Whereas issues like cluster B personality and factitious disorders (the most severe type that includes pathological lying and violating the rights of others) typically do have some form of genuine trauma as a causative factor. It isn't an excuse to behave abusively but it can indeed be a result of sincere mental illness.

My point basically is: it's OK even if she actually did have real trauma that resulted in mental illness that made her behave horribly to you. You are still legitimate to break up with her and never give her the time of day again. Just because this stuff can be relative to real issues doesn't mean you are obligated to accept abuse.

 

[Ecdysis]

( This post is with utmost respect to genuine sufferers of mental illness)
This is only a viewpoint- IMO - I have witnessed many use mental illness as a crutch and a ( believe it or not ) a manipulation tool . It is so sad.
Ex- 1)an adult daughter determines a father's life and happiness using mental illness as a ticket- for money ,to guilt trip, to not work ,for constant attention& control.
2) a child constantly manipulates her mum by " not eating ",not going to school, unless she gets what she wants.
3) mental illness used as a strategy to intentionally and deliberately avoid a genuine and caring friend who wants to be a support(sadly ,like @Anon1 ) but gets tossed, discarded.
4) an offspring who supported a parent through mental illness , now uses it as leverage to fully control parent's life and guilt trip.

I do sometimes wonder what you're doing on this forum @Brumbyinthesunshine

You do spend quite a bit of time back-handedly insulting people with mental illness, imo, while claiming not to.

People with mental illness are not special. We're the same as everyone else. Some of us are assholes, just the same as people without diagnosed mental illness - some are nice, some are arseholes.

Also, I think you make the mistake of equating "mental illness" with "diagnosed mental illness". Some of the most mentally ill people in the world will never, ever get a diagnosis because part of their mental illness is that they are in denial and don't want to get a diagnosis so will avoid it at all costs. They may be violent, abusive, whatever, but they'll steer clear of an official diagnosis.

By comparison, people who have the courage to go and seek a diagnosis and seek therapy may be a lot "mentally healthier" than people who are refusing and avoiding a diagnosis.

I also wonder what your own struggles with mental health are. Just because you don't have a diagnosis, doesn't mean you aren't mentally ill too.

Sometimes it strikes me that you have co-dependent tendancies and seem to think that people with mental illness "should be" saints and you're weirdly disappointed to find out that with your ex, that wasn't the case.

You seem stuck in a weird victim mindset and go around this forum quoting anyone who's ever been hard done by, by a person with PTSD or "mental illness" as you call it. This doesn't seem like healthy behaviour to me and I've asked you before, what you're trying to gain by doing it.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

But y'know... it's hard.

Because every comment is contextual, every action is like...
"Did they mean that? Did I imagine it? Did it play out that way? Were there mitigating factors? Did I misunderstand?"

It is hard, can be really hard. Especially when reasoning for your own situation instead of someone else's. Always messier when you're in it and it's important to you in different ways. We want to make sense of everything in the least messy way possible. To neatly put it away.
It's hard but wishing you well.

2) a child constantly manipulates her mum by " not eating ",not going to school, unless she gets what she wants.

Or, she is genuinely distressed. Curious to what the "what she wants" in this example is.
Speaking from experience as someone labelled as manipulative by adults for these things (and more.) while having no ulterior motive as a child.
Not that kids don't try to get their own way at some point. But these are the most commonly vilified things in genuinely struggling children.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

I do sometimes wonder what you're doing on this forum @Brumbyinthesunshine

You do spend quite a bit of time back-handedly insulting people with mental illness, imo, while claiming not to.

People with mental illness are not special. We're the same as everyone else. Some of us are assholes, just the same as people without diagnosed mental illness - some are nice, some are arseholes.

Also, I think you make the mistake of equating "mental illness" with "diagnosed mental illness". Some of the most mentally ill people in the world will never, ever get a diagnosis because part of their mental illness is that they are in denial and don't want to get a diagnosis so will avoid it at all costs. They may be violent, abusive, whatever, but they'll steer clear of an official diagnosis.

By comparison, people who have the courage to go and seek a diagnosis and seek therapy may be a lot "mentally healthier" than people who are refusing and avoiding a diagnosis.

I also wonder what your own struggles with mental health are. Just because you don't have a diagnosis, doesn't mean you aren't mentally ill too.

Sometimes it strikes me that you have co-dependent tendancies and seem to think that people with mental illness "should be" saints and you're weirdly disappointed to find out that with your ex, that wasn't the case.

You seem stuck in a weird victim mindset and go around this forum quoting anyone who's ever been hard done by, by a person with PTSD or "mental illness" as you call it. This doesn't seem like healthy behaviour to me and I've asked you before, what you're trying to gain by doing it.

Thanks - since your cold response - I am wondering the same - thanks for the nudge from you personally to leave the forum @Ecdysis - I thought according to Admins - this was for supporters AND sufferers. I thought it was safe to vent or voice (?) Which is a welcome that is always given to newcomers as I have observed .
I have noted quite a few members in the past who have got shoved off the forum - for simply voicing an opinion.
Just a note - I have never intended to insult or disrespect - thats simply your take on it.
PS - with respect -there are far worse posts on this forum if you really take a good look.
To be honest I am shocked at your personal attack - which it is
All good - have the forum to yourself.
I will reiterate particularly to the Admins - never delivered back handed insults or offence ever.
Simply stating whats true. I wrongly assumed this was" safe place "to vent or share views .
Every post of mine has been respectful.

When I post I don't post with the hope that another forum member is sitting somewhere analysing my every word and sentence and then sizing me up.
The thought itself puts me off posting anymore. Constructive feedback is always welcome - but not an attack on simply having a view.
My posts are straight forward and simply what I hear and know from my circle I know personally.

Take a breath and a step back, reflect please - I as a fellow- postEE have never shown disrespect to any of your posts , views or comments.
BTW - are you an Admin or a Mod?