Beginning Again

[OceanSpray]

f*cking paranoia man

 

[OceanSpray]

The most intense paranoia last night than I’ve had in a long while. And tonight is very, very intense SI. I don’t plan to act. But my god these past few weeks have been hard.

 

[OceanSpray]

You know what’s stupid? I’ve spent actual energy being sad and mad over one persons opinion on a photo I made. What’s worse? This is also a person who has to be spoonfed what to think because they have no idea how to do it on their own. They constantly make contradictory support statements- one minute they’re proud of their kid for going to college and in the next they are sharing memes about how college students are stupid and brainwashed.

So why they hell am I giving that person the ability to make me feel bad about something I made?

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

“You are allowed to take up space. Own who you are and what you want for yourself. Stop downplaying the things you care about, the hopes you have. Own your passions, your thoughts, your perceptions. Own your fire. Stop putting your worth in the hands of others; stop letting them decide your value. Own saying no, saying yes. Own your mood, your feelings. Own your plans, your path, your success.”
— Bianca Sparacino, The Strength in our Scars

Wow.

 

[OceanSpray]

I’m so tired. Both physically and mentally. Physically because I have barely slept in days all because I have to take the car in to do the brakes and that has my anxiety soaring to its limit. Sure, I have some money but is it going to be enough? What if it’s not? What if there’s all these other exponentially large things wrong with it? And I can’t afford that so of course they’re going to look at me like that god look at this poor idiot woman. I hate car repairs and maintenance. I hate doctors. I hate vets. I hate everything where I don’t *know* the exact amount I’m going to need before I go. And they always look at me like I’m the world’s fattest, ugliest, dumbest idiot for not being BETTER.

I’m also tired because my sister hasn’t talked to me since her colossal failure of a relationship where I convinced her to go back to therapy and she proceeded to call and gloat that not only does she keep losing weight, but the T also told her she’s great and doesn’t need any therapy. It’s the biggest load of bull under the sun. Now she’s playing some game and I don’t know what it is. But it’s always a game. There’s always f*cking games. Everything is a competition and she won’t stop until she wins.

I’m so damned tired and I don’t want to do this shit anymore. I don’t want to be here constantly trying to catch up in this world. I wasn’t built for this place. I wasn’t built for the rat race that life already is and I can’t do more on top of it. I just can’t.

I miss my T but I refuse to get another interim one. I can do this. I was with her for so long, I have to prove to her and myself that I can get by without her. She said she would be coming back sometime this month. I don’t know the details of what’s going on, just personal family stuff. I can do this.

 

[OceanSpray]

But hey the spiders outside my house are cool

 

[OceanSpray]

Remainder of Mays’ Reading:

Her Soul to Take by Harley Laroux
Her Soul for Revenge by Harley Laroux
Soul of a Witch by Harley Laroux

I looooved this series. Harley Laroux is always an awesome author. If you’ve watched the show Lucifer, you have an idea of what these books are like. I want to reread them in October and really soak up the witchy/demon/spooky vibes going on.

Brief synopsis- each book is a different couple. Badass girls get their very own personal demon to help them fight off the real demons.

Ivory Ashes by Nicole Fox
Ivory Oath by Nicole Fox

This was good. . . not my favorite. Nicole Fox is a comfort read for me. She is verrrry formulaic. It’s always mafia, there’s always a pregnancy, and always high stakes. This one, I don’t know. She has another duet come out earlier this year that just really knocked it out of the park and this one just didn’t live up to that and I suppose I was hoping it would. She killed off a character towards the end that really hurt, and I know everything is unrealistic anyway but she has the main dude giving up his Bratva and that’s just not it.

Last of May and into these first days of June-

I did a deep dive on all Sonja Grey’s backlist. I won’t list them but several mafia romances. I don’t know why or how I got as sucked in as I did because there was so much I didn’t like. These were on the extreme end of instant love and I really, really don’t like those. She could have pushed the stakes sooooo much higher and really pushed boundaries and instead she played it super safe and eh. They were fine. Rated each between 2-4 stars so.

 

[OceanSpray]

God these nightmares just won’t stop.

I think tonight’s was the worst one yet in terms of guilt and graphic violence and gore. Dreamt that I had puppies who had turned cannabilistic all converging on and getting into the house. I couldn’t step anywhere without feeling the crunch of skulls beneath my shoes. At first I didn’t understand what was happening and I was trying to protect some from others but they were all attacking and eating me and each other. I had to get away and I was running and shoved one puppy away from me off the top of a couch and that puppy cried out staring at me. She laid on the ground bent at a weird angle clearly having broken bones/become paralyzed. She had fhe face of one of my current dogs. I was swamped with nothing but guilt and disgust and self hatred. I hated myself even more because I left her there like that and turned away running out of the house.


God that one made me sick to my stomach.

 

[OceanSpray]

The only thing keeping the SI at bay is that my nephews baby is due in a week and how shitty would it be to off myself a few days before or a few days after and have it become this weird thing the kid would always tie up with his birthday

 

[Midnightmoon]

The only thing keeping the SI at bay is that my nephews baby is due in a week and how shitty would it be to off myself a few days before or a few days after and have it become this weird thing the kid would always tie up with his birthday

I'm sorry everything is so shitty at the minute

miss my T but I refuse to get another interim one. I can do this. I was with her for so long, I have to prove to her and myself that I can get by without her.

Did T come back? If not yet is it worth thinking about an interim option again to try and help hold some of it?

 

[OceanSpray]

Did T come back? If not yet is it worth thinking about an interim option again to try and help hold some of it?

Thank you . She somewhat did but not really. She shortened her hours significantly and there’s no way I can get a consistent spot with her while working. I do think you’re right that I need to buck up and get an interim. I’ve been half assed looking and not liking anyone. But I’m probably being way more picky than I should be.

 

[OceanSpray]

I haven’t found a replacement therapist yet.



Feelings really suck. I don’t know what’s rational and what’s not and what’s understandable and what’s not. Let alone tamping them down.



Feeling: My nephew and his wife dislike me and this family so much (for very, very valid reasons) that they only tolerate us. We didn’t get to hold the new baby and I’m feeling very hurt by that after we’ve collectively spent a lot of money and time helping them prepare and we don’t live five minutes away. We can’t just come visit whenever. I’m also feeling hurt that they knew I wanted (and they seemed to also want) to get photos of his first day home. I’m not saying moving him around a bunch. I’m just saying letting at least his new grandparents hold him as well as them. Instead they kept bundling him up and putting him in the bassinet and dragging that around.



Facts:



Not everyone wants people holding a new baby. I do get this. But I still feel hurt because none of us were sick and would gladly have washed and sanitized our hands.



That’s all I’ve got. At least while I’m feeling butt hurt. Maybe I’ll figure out more in a few days. I just know I’m feeling frustrated, hurt, rejected, sad, sooo many things and I know it’s shitty and that relationships are not transactional but I keep coming back in my head to how much money and time has been spent and how hard we’ve worked to repair relationships.