Dom Violence How to move forward and set boundaries

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I've let it go too far sometimes (choking tell I pass out etc)

Your fault? Incapacitation enough to escape is reached before passing out, even within the rationalisation that it’s “self defence”, it doesn’t make sense.

She gets really bad stomach pain and throws up if she doesn't let out her anger on me when I mess up.

Mistakes do not justify violence, as you’re starting to realise.

The most she does is grab my face in a panicked state and kiss me while she say's my exes name and talks about how she'll try to act more like her so I'll love her or some crazy things like that.

This is not tame. This is screwed.

Please, please reflect on these with the roles reversed. This is awful. You don’t exist to be her (emotional or physical) punching bag. You being physically stronger has nothing to do with making it more acceptable, or less mentally harmful to you. What if your brother was being treated this way? Surely you would not be going the extra three miles to say why he should endure it.

I feel like I've gotten meaner and more cold especially when I upset or trigger her.

Are you being mean, or setting boundaries to keep yourself safe? They can feel the same for people in your shoes.

 

[anw81]

I don't know... I've been reading a lot about abusers and a lot of abusers convince themselves they are the victim and pretend to be the victim online. I think honestly if you remove the times in the past where she hit me, I'm more of the abuser. I lie and manipulate. I put her down and I talk sarcastically back to her a lot when she's trying to get me to follow her OCD protocol. I'm not understanding and compassionate or empathetic to the trauma I put her through.

Yesterday I corrected her when she used the wrong word for something. She gave me a talk about how I need to stop picking on her and how I never feel bad and said something about a comparison of how I treat her to how I treated my ex. She said I cried to her that I was mean to my ex in the past when I didn't address her formally after we broke up when she asked me to (this was true). THen I denied how she said it and triggered her by denying the past. I eventually admitted it but it was too late and she was really upset and ripped up a book. Later she was trying to get me to kneel and apologize which is a condition she gave me if I wanted to stay together. I need to kneel when I apologize to her. I told her that was abusive and she accused me of going back on what I agreed to. I said I felt like I didn't have any dignity when she forced me to kneel and apologize. She got in my face and said I didn't have any dignity for doing some of the sexual things I willingly did for an ex. I called her a f*cking slut and was really mean to her and then left the room. She asked me to apologize and get on my knees and kiss her toes. I told her she could kiss my ass and that she should like that. She told me to eat her ass right then as an apology and I told her if I did it would be sexual abuse. She left the room crying. I later came back to apologize and she made me get on my knees and I apologized for calling her a slut and being mean to her and asked to kiss her butt. So far today she's been pretty cold to me and she threw some food on the ground in the kitchen earlier.

I don't know. Reading this back I feel like I was the one acting abusive last night. I feel ashamed for how mean I was to her and I feel like I just use this forum to make me feel better about myself. She has trauma from what I did to her FIRST, I don't have trauma from anything she did to me as a reaction to me traumatizing her. I feel like the abuser.

 

[Friday]

triggering her

As a thought experiment? Try using ANY WORD OTHER THAN “Triggered”.

I angered her.
I infuriated her.
I pissed her off.
I enraged her.
I disappointed her.
I eggplanted / tuttifruittied / roller skated/ hippopotamus’d… her.

Truth, or pure nonsense, and then? Her reaction.

You’re excusing abuse, disrespect, & bullshit f*cked up ways of treating people WHENEVER you use the word “triggered”. It’s this amazing whitewash, you/she have built in. And yes, that means the both of you. So attempt to delete that word, from your vocabulary, for a month. When you slip? Catch yourself & replace it. And then see how perspective shifts. It will. Even if, especially if, you do NOT want it to. Because it’s become a “forgive all sins” brush. The same way “it was really all my fault” or “they’re just stressed” does for other battered spouses. It’s this magical phrase, like pavlov’s dogs & a bell, which creates a years/decades long automagic series of thoughts/feelings. Remove the word. Catch yourself automatically employing it. And see what changes. Mostly? GUILT (your own) along with panic/shame/fear/desperation will probably… hit the effing ceiling. As it’s as much a coping mechanism for you, as it is an excuse for her.

Yep. I’m telling you to f*ck your self up for the next month, by ditching a coping mechanism that has kept you alive for a loooong time. But if it’s really all your fault? Don’t you deserve it? And if it’s not, red pill v blue pill.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

So much drama. I almost get the feeling you guys are feeding off it. There are other ways to live but it takes some work to get there from where both of you are.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

what @One step at a time said

+1.

And she will only change if she wants to. No therapist in the world can help someone improve who does not want to be there. Really, therapy is two-way. And work. And messy.
With a good therapist, all worth it, but it is work, and non-linear, regardless of what the issue is. Personality, mental illness, life circumstances, et cetera.

 

[anw81]

So attempt to delete that word, from your vocabulary, for a month.

I don't usually use it. She uses it and then I use it when writing here but I'll do this. Triggered is not an excuse anymore.

So much drama. I almost get the feeling you guys are feeding off it. There are other ways to live but it takes some work to get there from where both of you are.

What do you mean by feeding off it? What is the work you see necessary? I feel like you can see that I'm doing some wrong here too, please share what you think I can work on

 

[Movingforward10]

feel like you can see that I'm doing some wrong here too, please share what you think I can work on

That you're staying in a relationship where this happens and you accept it.
This isn't healthy. This isn't safe. This isn't 'normal'. This isn't love. This isn't kindness. This isn't care.
It's codependency.
It's abuse.
It's high stress.


My T would/does often say to me "what am I getting out of being stuck?". Because, doing the same thing over and over and expecting change means that I get something out of the situation. It might be familiarity, sameness, knowing what the situation is. Even if the situation is hurting me. Because change is very scary. The unknown.
So, maybe working out why you remain in an abusive relationship? Why you:re accepting this behaviour? Might help to realise this is very unsafe.

But also, remember what abusive relationships are eloke. And read the literature around it. The most dangerous time is when you leave and just after that. So, find a safety plan.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

I've been following along this thread but haven't commented till now. You need to get out. Plain and simple.

My ex wasn't nearly as abusive as your partner is, but the mind games were real and I was stuck for many, many years. One day I just left. I put everything I could in my car when they weren't home and drove away. It was hard, but it was the very best thing I could have ever done, and I've never, ever regretted it. I hope you do the same.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

. I called her a f*cking slut and was really mean to her and then left the room

I think you should stop insulting her. It’s not going to get you anywhere aside from escalate things. See how you feel about the boundaries you’re setting once you cut it out.

You seem to know you have some negative behaviours, but not necessarily doing anything about it?

You don’t have to be the “prefect victim” to still be in an abusive situation, but that doesn’t mean that improvement is futile. Mixing the practical things you’re doing with inflammatory statements will make it less effective, in my opinion.

She asked me to apologize and get on my knees and kiss her toes

Wth

 

[Jade-]

I don't know... I've been reading a lot about abusers and a lot of abusers convince themselves they are the victim and pretend to be the victim online. I think honestly if you remove the times in the past where she hit me, I'm more of the abuser. I lie and manipulate. I put her down and I talk sarcastically back to her a lot when she's trying to get me to follow her OCD protocol. I'm not understanding and compassionate or empathetic to the trauma I put her through.

When I was with my ex I started wondering who actually was the abuser, me or him. So I made a vow to myself that for one month I would not react at all to anything he said or did and instead just walk away from all the bs. If he called me a name, I walked away without saying a word, if he threw food, I said nothing at all, etc.

It was THE hardest thing to do cause if someone is calling me a slut, bitch, etc. it's very hard to not throw names back. It's very hard period to not react to an asshole. But it's possible. I also kept a journal with all the bs he was saying and doing for that month so I had some type of outlet to keep from reacting.

Turned out he def was the abuser and I was just reacting. And we were reacting to each other. But I was also being abusive to him too with my reactions. It sounds like you are being abusive too. When both are being abusive, no matter the reason, it just all gets way worse and continues and escalates. It's not ok to be abusive just cause someone else is, I see that in hindsight.

But anyway, I left that relationship and I sure tf wouldn't want to live that way again. And no matter what anyone tells you or how many ppl tell you to leave you're not going to until you decide enough is enough and you're ready to then actually do it. At least take some time apart because when you're living that crazy, chaotic bs you get so caught up in it and you can't see outside of it.

Anything is better than living that way and you're not going to realize it until you're no longer living it

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I don't usually use it. She uses it and then I use it when writing here but I'll do this. Triggered is not an excuse anymore.


What do you mean by feeding off it? What is the work you see necessary? I feel like you can see that I'm doing some wrong here too, please share what you think I can work on

By feeding I meant that you guys are generating drama through your individual dysfunctions which then generates more drama when there are spirals of reactions. It could be that your lives feel stagnant or otherwise meaningless and the drama fills that void. Or the drama is the center of focus so you are distracted from dealing with the real issues. Some people seem to thrive off drama, I think I am allergic to it. It is certainly the opposite of calm.