Urge To Cut Is Back

[MurphyJB]

Heather, good for you!

I had an awful dream last night. About cutting myself. It's not enough that I have to think about it all day, now I'm thinking about it in my sleep too! Ugh. You can never win.

 

[blueangel371115]

I really thought I was nuts because of the stuff I did. When I had loose teeth, I'd drive the loose part, the part that broke off into my gum. Sometimes I'd taste blood.

 

[Marie E.]

I used to have crooked teeth with one buck tooth sticking out and I forcefully pulled it out with a tool.

 

[Heather]

No you're not nuts blueAngel. You're just as normal as everyone else who's posted on this thread. Wait, is that good or bad

or maybe just plain scary

.LOL

 

[Heather]

. You can never win.

Amen to that Murphy!

 

[freakofnurture]

You can never win.

Oh, but surviving the day counts as winning. Surviving the night counts double. Every task completed during the day means half a win. On days you don't cut, task stats double. Who's gonna make it to 100 wins first? */end show host mode*
My left arm and leg look like sh*t right now and it f*cking hurts.
We're doomed. Dooooomed, I tell you. *shuffles out of the tread backwards* Doooommmed...

 

[jesse]

I have three deep scars on my upper left arm. It sucks I can never wear sleveless anything without someone commenting on it. I know I did it to yself and deserve to be ashamed but it still sucks. I feel the need sometimes to take a blade and completely mutilate myself. It is such an intense relief when I have done so in the past. Very hard to resist right now,

 

[Heather]

I know exactly how you feel. I have scars all over my left wrist and arm and people notice from time to time. (very embarassing). I get these weird glances and stares. I feel very uncomfortable.

 

[MurphyJB]

"and deserve to be ashamed"

You do NOT deserve to be ashamed Jesse.
I grew up being ashamed of every single emotion I had. It got me absolutely nowhere. I mean, I learned how to fake a smile and pretend I was happy...but that's nowhere near healthy.
People should not be ashamed for feeling a certain way, or for cutting because they didn't know what else to do.

 

[Vcircle]

This thread is helping me so much. Thanks for all the posts.

I have had a tough week. I haven't reached for alcohol too much. Usually when I am going downhill - I drink to wipe myself out and then go self destructive and cut. This week I have held off. But, what I have been noticing is that I am getting flashes of me cutting - the flashes are when I am feeling extreme emotions during the day /night. My flashes are quite violent and the thought of it feels good. In real life when I cut, I am not violent, I am methodical. So in a way my flashes are a bit disturbing to me.

Any thoughts or advice?

 

[Heather]

Hi Vcircle. I'm sorry you're having flashes of you cutting yourself but I think that's better than you ACTUALLY doing the cutting. I'm glad you haven't cut yourself.....THAT IS PROGRESS.

Hang in there. Dealing with this sh*t is never easy but you know that. It's a struggle. Sometimes daily, sometimes moment by moment. We all slip up. I went 12 years w/o cutting myself and then started again.

I also found out that the reason I used to cut myself on the face was because I have severe self-loathing, not just the run-of-the-mill kind - not an easy pill to swallow. Try to be easy on yourself. We're all struggling and we all falter at times. Take care. Heather

 

[Vcircle]

Thanks Heather. Appreciate your comments.