Urge To Cut Is Back

[freakofnurture]

I have three deep scars on my upper left arm. It sucks I can never wear sleveless anything without someone commenting on it. I know I did it to myself and deserve to be ashamed but it still sucks.

I used to be very ashamed of my scars. But then one of my 'Sisters under the Blade' said something that completely changed my outlook:
"I am a Warrior! I fight battles every day against my death wish, against the pain, against my inner demons. You know what you get when you fight for your life? You get scars! And you wear them with pride, because they show that you didn't run away, but fought for you life and came home victorious."
It's a bit cheesy, I know, but this image helps me; just like the understanding that the scars on my arms and legs are not at all different from an appendix scar or the ones I got from scratching my chicken pox.

I just wear whatever I want, spaghetti tops, t-shirts, and I don't care if others see my scars. If someone asks me I either tell them that I have a huge cat (which is true) or that it's a long story that I'll maybe share with them once we know each other a bit better. Sometimes I even just shrug and say: "I cut myself." and that's it.

 

[blueangel371115]

I found when I'm stressed, I tear my scalp until it bleeds.

 

[Heather]

I found when I'm stressed, I tear my scalp until it bleeds.

I used to have crooked teeth with one buck tooth sticking out and I forcefully pulled it out with a tool.

We need to learn to turn our anger, self-loathing, shame OUTWARD!!!!!!!! I know I started this thread but it pains me to see the people that I've come to care about so much continuing to hurt themselves. I love you all.

We need to be kind to ourselves. Work on loving ourselves. WE DESERVE IT. Even if we're sure we don't. We do!

 

[blueangel371115]

Yes we do Heather. We should start a 'I will not hurt myself and this why thread'

 

[angel2write]

I'm glad that someone brought up the punishment aspect. I understand that cutting can be addictive, just like any form of self-abuse, but it is my personal opinion that the act is a form of self punishment, of expressing self hatred. We don't fit in society. Our feelings don't fit. We hate the parts of us that other people find unacceptable because we all want love and acceptance. We can also try to cut off the parts of us that feel "dirty." I used to see it as a thick layer of black goo that was right under my skin- a layer of corruption that I had to get rid of.


For me, at least (and I'm not trying to say it's like this for everybody) the need to cut or hurt had to do with trying to punish myself enough that I would stop being "bad" or "disgusting" and become a lovable person. Being punished releases stress, relieves guilt. You feel clean for a while. At rest. At peace in the aftermath. Plus the trade of psychological pain for physical pain, which is much less upsetting.

I've been fighting the self-punishment urges lately by saying (or even shouting if necessary) "I am a valuable person!" I can't say I'm a good person. I'm not to the point where I love myself. But I am valuable. People need me. People would be hurt if I'm not here. God has uses for me, for my life. I matter. I'm valuable. I don't deserve to be hurt. I didn't deserve it then, and I don't now. I'm valuable. I'm worthwhile.

When I first started saying it, I had a hard time choking it out, but it's getting easier. And when I let myself feel like maybe I'm somebody worthwhile, the urge to self-hurt isn't as strong.

Sorry you're fighting this ugly battle, Heather. Sending a non-threatening virtual hug!

Angela

 

[Heather]

Yes we do Heather. We should start a 'I will not hurt myself and this is why thread'

I absolutely love that idea!!!!!!!!!!! Hugs Blue. Heather

Angela - you said it's a trade for emotional pain for physical pain YOU ARE RIGHT ON THE MONEY with that one girlfriend! Hugs Heather

 

[freakofnurture]

I've been fighting the self-punishment urges lately by saying (or even shouting if necessary) "I am a valuable person!"... When I first started saying it, I had a hard time choking it out, but it's getting easier. And when I let myself feel like maybe I'm somebody worthwhile, the urge to self-hurt isn't as strong.

Whoah, that's a strategy that I haven't tried yet. I'll give it a shot, or rather ten shots, to see if it'll help me, too.
Thanks for telling us about this :)

 

[Heather]

I was playing with the cat earlier and that little brat gets carried away. She's not tough at all and usually backs down but I guess her panties were in a bind because she turned around and lunged at my leg and got me really good.

I have a nice scratch along the back of my leg. And ofcourse it feels really good. Now I want to cut myself again and I haven't felt this way in awhile *sigh*. I thought I was making progress with this sh*t.

Is this a life long struggle? Will these urges ever go away? I mean seriously enough already! I feel myself shaking inside while typing this.....half giddy from wanting to do it. The other half with the realization that I may have a life sentence with this crap.

 

[Vcircle]

Heather. The majority of people in this world wouldn't understand how a cat scratch could turn into an ?addiction? for you to cut. But I understand. I haven't been doing it - exactly in the same circumstance as yours - but I understand the mental side to it. I totally get what your brain is going through right now.

I have no answers for you. I think it is a life sentence. I think it is like we are alcoholics or gamblers or drug addicts - I think the impulse and opportunity will be there forever. I don't think people can be cured. Maybe I should write - I don't think I can be cured -i shouldnt speak for everyone. I think it is a personal demon that we have to overcome in our own way - but we have to do it for ourselves.

 

[Heather]

I think it is a life sentence. I think it is like we are alcoholics or gamblers or drug addicts.

Hi Vcircle-
That is exactly what my therapist said that for me it's like a drug...... Dealing with this crap is so hard!

 

[MurphyJB]

I slipped and cut myself a couple days ago. :(

 

[Heather]

Murphy -

Hang in there.... This to shall pass.

Hugs. Heather