Sexual Assault I Think I'm an Abuser

[anon345]

When I was 9 I had a brief encounter with a sexual predator, sent a topless pic, then undownloaded the app after he couldn't prove to me he was a kid too and got demanding. It was insignificant compared to really any other sexual abuse case, but it still changed how I saw the world and I became really sexual. (There was also a time where a friend of my fathers attempted to groom me, but I think it was after this incident.)

I have a brother, less than a year younger, and we used to be close for a long time. But I started being more sexual, having the toys play pretend get more sexual, where in hindsight he was obviously uncomfortable. I even didn't understand kissing enough to get him to let me practice kissing on him, thinking it wasn't anything because we weren't doing it romantically. (This was quickly shut down when I tried a hickey and my parents noticed.)

I always saw myself as a victim who was stupid with playing and unrelated us being young idiots who didn't understand kissing but I now realize I was an abuser. And I wonder if he thinks of me the same way I think of that man, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to rectify it.

 

[arfie]

since "abuser" became a fashion word, it has become quite hard to tell the victims from the abusers. particularly when the word is applied to children discovering their sexuality. that has never been a clear or easy process. it's muddier than ever since helicopter parenting and all its inherent paranoia came into vogue.

dunno. . . your "abuse" sounds like a childish discovery process to my old world ears. even with the pornografication of prime time tv, discovering one's own sexuality remains an awkward process. just opining. . .

 

[Zabora]

since "abuser" became a fashion word, it has become quite hard to tell the victims from the abusers. particularly when the word is applied to children discovering their sexuality. that has never been a clear or easy process. it's muddier than ever since helicopter parenting and all its inherent paranoia came into vogue.

dunno. . . your "abuse" sounds like a childish discovery process to my old world ears. even with the pornografication of prime time tv, discovering one's own sexuality remains an awkward process. just opining. . .

Exactly for that reason it's a nightmare to discover your sexuality involving a family member,because socially we've put these things in a sort of "blacklist" where if you stain yourself of certain actions, you'll forever be labeled a criminal or a monster,even if nobody really knows what you've done,mentally you analyze yourself through society's eyes and you judge yourself,harshly. I went through the same as OP and I can tell you it feels like hell,and it's brought me to think about taking my own life over and over again. I feel bad about feeling bad about myself too, it's a terrible situation.

 

[arfie]

I feel bad about feeling bad about myself too, it's a terrible situation.

it is indeed a vicious circle, zabora, both culturally and personally. since the strictly personals are the piece over which i have the most control, i have started there with self-forgiveness and working my way toward perpetrator forgiveness. i'm taking that in small steps with big faith and lots of prayer.

 

[amicableDog6980]

When I was 9 I had a brief encounter with a sexual predator, sent a topless pic, then undownloaded the app after he couldn't prove to me he was a kid too and got demanding. It was insignificant compared to really any other sexual abuse case, but it still changed how I saw the world and I became really sexual. (There was also a time where a friend of my fathers attempted to groom me, but I think it was after this incident.)

I have a brother, less than a year younger, and we used to be close for a long time. But I started being more sexual, having the toys play pretend get more sexual, where in hindsight he was obviously uncomfortable. I even didn't understand kissing enough to get him to let me practice kissing on him, thinking it wasn't anything because we weren't doing it romantically. (This was quickly shut down when I tried a hickey and my parents noticed.)

I always saw myself as a victim who was stupid with playing and unrelated us being young idiots who didn't understand kissing but I now realize I was an abuser. And I wonder if he thinks of me the same way I think of that man, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to rectify it.

If you're ready and feel safe I would recommend apologising to your brother and explaining that you didn't understand what you were doing and that if you did understand you never would have done it. That is the best way I can think for you to rectify the situation with your brother. Was that what you were asking or was there something else you also want to rectify?