Fed Up With The Rollercoaster Of Emotion

[BloomInWinter]

Feeling stronger after taking the dogs for their walk. They always work their magic.

One thing I discovered whilst walking, I now know is what triggers me and it is not good. The good guys of the emergency services set me into panic mode. Paramedic, fire and police - see a flashing light, hear a siren or see a uniform and I'm a wreck.

Yeah, with you there. Only...for different reasons.

...and 'good gals' too?

 

[KP the nut]

...and 'good gals' too?

Absolutely

 

[KP the nut]

I'm scared that since Wednesday I have slipped back to wearing the 'it is OK, everything is fine' Mask. To the outside, I look OK, I'm, doing, saying and writing all the right things, acting 'normal'.

But inside I feel dead. It all seems so much effort. I cried myself to sleep and inside I'm still crying. Lost, scared, bewildered, I just don't know what to do anymore. I am going back to work in 2 weeks for 2 mornings a week. I don't know if that is good or bad, I did it to get back into work mode, but now what is the point.

I try to be upbeat, be positive, be fine and OK. I hate this. I try to be nice to myself, try to accept who I am, but, oh I can't keep this up.

What's the saying, 'life's a bitch and then you die'. Seems to pretty much sum it all up.

 

[intothelight]

Kath,

Rough days just plain suck. I loved your response to my proposed thread of "Am I becoming the crazy old lady that just talks to dogs." But I think I should reword it for both of us:

We are the eccentric, middle-aged divas, with exceptional canine communication skill!

(((hugs)))
Deb

 

[Tosh]

I have slipped back to wearing the 'it is OK, everything is fine' Mask. To the outside, I look OK, I'm, doing, saying and writing all the right things, acting 'normal'.

I'm wearing that mask today too! I feel like a cracked cup, I keep putting my hands over the cracks to keep the water in, but it keeps trying to leak out. Then someone keeps filling my cup fuller and fuller with more water and there is more and more pressure. It's so tiring. I feel like I'm going crazy inside, but to the outside world I'm still me. (((HUGS))) This too shall pass, right? Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Acceptence, Just calming sitting and accepting. Thanks KP for making me feel like I'm not alone in this.

 

[Reclusive]

You sound really frustrated, KP - maybe some journaling about how you're feeling or screaming into a pillow or something might shake things loose again. Intentionally take the mask off and do something un-mask like to feel YOU again. I know when I wear the mask I feel less-than human and like a big fake, so I'm just assuming you're feeling the same way. If not, disregard what I said.

 

[KP the nut]

Another tough EMDR session. We looked at a near miss I had in Oct. It was after that I gave in to full PTSD symptoms. I couldn't continue with my life as it was. Home was the only place I felt safe.

Today was so hard - I told my T the truth. I was crying and shaking, I wanted to bawl like a baby, but no, little miss self contained, just couldn't let go. Tears were streaming but I still held myself in check, couldn't even give my nose a good blow, couldn't give in to the saddness, I am such an emotional cripple.

I told him how I am achieving stuff, I appear fine but inside I feel so detached and seperate from everything, as if I were watching myself from a distance. He asked if it was wearing a mask for the world and acting the role required. He got it. I told him I just wanted to curl up into a ball and never leave home. I told him I was so tired of pretending, of appearing 'normal'. He explained some things, asked if I wanted to continue EMDR, he said I would find it hard if I gave in now.

I told him I want to continue, I want to get better. I just don't know if I will ever be able to 'feel' again. He tells me a story of a nephew visiting a wise and famous philosopher. The nephew asks the wise man how can a person be strong, grow as a person and be happy and the wise man says there are 3 rules. The first is 'be kind to yourself'. The second is 'be kind to yourself' and the third is 'be kind to yourself'.

I have to try, failure is not an option. So start climbing again.

 

[Froggie]

(((((KP))))), candle is burning for you too. If ordinary people only knew the amount of efforts and energy PTSDers have to deploy just to have an everyday life, they'd feel tired and discouraged too. Linking arms dear friend

 

[Reclusive]

(((KP))) Oh, man, sounds like you did some serious work! You're doing great though, and you'll get there. And I'm guessing I don't have to remind you to be good to yourself. Reminds me of that Journey song, though.

::linking arms::

 

[KP the nut]

You're doing great though, and you'll get there. ::

Thank you - I just can't see me getting there. I can't even let H see the mask slip.

 

[intothelight]

Today was so hard - I told my T the truth. I was crying and shaking, I wanted to bawl like a baby, but no, little miss self contained, just couldn't let go. Tears were streaming but I still held myself in check, couldn't even give my nose a good blow, couldn't give in to the saddness, I am such an emotional cripple.

I told him how I am achieving stuff, I appear fine but inside I feel so detached and seperate from everything, as if I were watching myself from a distance. He asked if it was wearing a mask for the world and acting the role required.

(((Kath))),

For years and years, I have showed little to no emotion. In fact, my emotions never seemed attached to events, but some kind of "free floating" enigmas that I could never quite get a hold of. Except for the negative ones associated with anxiety and depression, and those emotions seemed to be ingrained into my soul. But a strange thing is happening, the emotion is coming back.

Please hang in there, as even though it may not seem like it, you have made huge strides. When you are up to it, reread some of your own diary. Just think, if an ice princess like me can melt, there is hope for anyone.

Deb

 

[KP the nut]

Today I am brain dead. I can't summon the energy to do anything.

I should (T hates the should word) be making fudge but it seems so much effort. I was going to sell it at a car boot sale on Sunday.

H asked me if I was going to do anything today - erm, that would be no. I may open a bottle of wine later, does that count.