General Why Do You Bother?

[May1321]

Do you ever think maybe you make bad choices though?

I think everyone has the ability to make a bad choice... but that's the great thing is we HAVE a choice. It's how many 'bad' choices do we allow ourselves to make that can lead to the biggest problems. But there are no 'right' answers, just as everyone is different and everyone's situation is different.... so a bad choice for you may not be a bad choice for me.

Because of this forum and my research I've done, I now know more about what my sufferer 'is getting me into' - or since it is my choice - I am staying into - than he does. I'm not just making it up when I see that he's afraid to tackle it all on his own because he's sought me out for reassurance. I could tell him to "take a hike" but I know from my experiences that this thing is not that bad and he is getting help. I appreciate the opportunity to be his friend through this at this time no matter what the outcome is for me. I know that right now, coming from him, he doesn't have any other sort of healthy support. It's not because I want to 'fix him'. He's fixing himself. I'm just there to cheer him on when he's on a roll, and to offer him a laugh or hug when he's feeling discouraged. If he gets better, and I stay this strong... then it was a good choice. I understand he may not get better or discontinue therapy, in which case I'll have another choice to make. Such is life.... at least the one I want to live :)

 

[Nicolette]

My wife had very little idea what she was getting into with me. I had very little idea what I was getting her into!
Maybe that's where the guilt comes from. :( and the question.

It's great that you can identify where your guilt comes from but I'm in your wife's shoes and with the exception of a few bad weeks, have had over 4 years of a pretty good relationship. I don't like the PTSD but the other qualities far outweigh the rough patches.

I was given information on PTSD at the start and it took about 2 years and hours on this forum to get a grip of what was going on, find my place in it all (not lose myself) and learn to step up to what I needed to do to preserve myself. All of this has lead to a stronger and more confident me.............but it still sometimes really sucks when PTSD hits.

 

[Nicolette]

More so an inability to see in ourselves what they see, to understand how someone can put up with it, frustration and discouragement and guilt that we inevitably will 'drag you' along with us or bring you down (it's our pain and problem, it shouldn't be yours), and a sadness that one can't be the person such a carer deserves.

I am sorry for how you Sufferers feel Junebug....... I guess I should have gone with my first instinct to move this into the PTSD section as, due to being here, my understanding it is would be about asking Supporters for their take rather than Sufferers hashing out their struggles, frustrations and guilt (which to me should be in the PTSD section).

 

[Innordinate]

my understanding it is would be about asking Supporters for their take rather than Sufferers hashing out their struggles, frustrations and guilt (which to me should be in the PTSD section).

thats the intent I had

 

[Angus McGee]

I can't figure out why ...... why would anyone want to be involved with someone with PTSD?

I'm going to speak from personal experience. I didn't ask, nor did I seek out a sufferer. I knew as much about PTSD when I met my wife as I did quantum physics. IOW, I've heard of it, but define it? No clue. What I'm trying to say is, I didn't WANT to be involved with a PTSD sufferer, but it's now where I find myself. Just because it's a difficult situation, it doesn't mean it's time to just walk away.

IWhat do you get out of it? What's the payback for it?

Speaking as a Christian, I can tell you that because of this situation, I have been drawn very close to God. I know that he allows us to have trials and tribulations. The bible in fact, promises it.

Romans 5:3,4

3 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;

4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;

John 16:33

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." <- Jesus speaking.

So, to answer your question, I look beyond the short term pain, and rest in the fact that God is in control, and through the tribulation we (my sufferer wife and I) find ourselves in, our perseverance, character and hope will be brought about and proven, and that we will have peace.

IWhat the hell is wrong with you people?!

Um...

IHow can you justify it in your head to basically suffer with us? Or make your kids?

I justify it like this. I love her. I love her with a love much deeper than the pain of PTSD can eliminate. I love her with an unconditional love that trumps my own needs. It defies logic. When the world says quit, yet will I love her. She is my wife. She is my other half. When she hurts, I hurt. Not by choice, but because we are connected. I will love her even when her PTSD prevents her from reciprocating.

I am setting an example for my children. I want both of them to see that there are things in life worth fighting for. Their parent's marriage for one. My 16yo daughter sees my tears. She know I'm hurting, but she sees me continue to love her mother. I'm trying to set an example of the man I want her to be with some day. Our son is far too young to know any difference right now, but depending on how long her PTSD symptoms Iast, the same thing will apply to him. I will want him to see how a man should value and cherish his wife, even if things gets difficult.

IWhy would you want to?

See above, and this addition. She, and you are worth the fight. In spite of what the PTSD in your own head may tell you, you are a valuable person, and worth fighting for.

IWhat are you hoping to get from staying in a relationship with us?

It is my hope that through this experience, she will see how valuable she truly is to me, and be drawn even closer to me than before. She feels like she is, and has been a huge disappointment to me. I want her to see how flawed that thinking is. I would also hope that she sees how God has sustained us through this terrible trial. Her Christian walk has suffered because of this time, and I would hope that that relationship is renewed, even more than I wish our relationship is, as a matter of fact.

I hope that helps.

AMcG.

 

[May1321]

Um...

:D I can't help it but that was my original thoughts exactly!

I am setting an example for my children.

You are a good man, Angus. When in the midst of some of the hardest moments, you still have hope. God Bless You!

 

[Tinyflame]

Innordinate, I think Angus has given you your answer, and your wife's answer.
I think that's what Nicolette meant (-sorry if I'm 'taking liberties' Nicolette)- your spouse is beside you because they want to be, need to be, and love you as you are.
(((Innordinate))), (((Angus)))), (((Nicolette)))

 

[Tinyflame]

-And Angus I think that's an awfully kind and unique perspective- to provide an example for your children (which is exemplary)- but also to 'include' your wife in your thoughts along with yourself as part of what 'God' has in mind for healing and growth.

You are very kind to reach out and help others when your own need and worries and sorrow are so great.
((((Angus))))

 

[Angus McGee]

Thanks for the kind words, Junebug. But I am not worried about what the future weeks and months hold. Part of the privilege of giving things over to God is that He takes the worry.

My prayer is simple. "Lord, I can't handle this. Things are completely out of my control. Please take charge of the situation. Please heal my wife, and heal our relationship."

After that, the worry is gone. I'll repeat the prayer, or something similar to it every day, or even more than once a day, but the worry is gone. The pain is still there, as is the loneliness, but I know that God is at work, and His timing is not my timing. Somehow, someway good will come of this. That is the hope I cling to.

 

[Tinyflame]

I believe you are right to hope in that Angus.
And extra prayers come from here, too.
Thanks for your help, too.

 

[amethist]

Hi Innordinate

It has taken me a few days to reply to this thread again, for a few reasons. The main one being I have been busy supporting my husband, since last week, has been in the bottom of a deep dip on this damn PTSD roller coaster we ride together, yes I did say together.

He has annoyed, upset, and frustrated me with his actions, but I did not walk away from him. Yes I did go out to cool off and think about what was going on with him and why. I then worked out how to explain all this to him, in a way that he could understand, would except and work with.

He is not well right now, but he trusts me to do what's best for him to help him through this crisis.

I know all that caused his PTSD, and have been with him from when it all began on the 1st of August 2007.

The other reason I have not replied is because I felt personally insulted by what you said in reply to my post. I know this was just your own opinion, and we all have a right to that.

But please, give us some credit for learning and doing all we can for the benefit of those who trust and rely on us to help them through the tough times.

My husband has said many times to a few different professionals, that if it were not for me he would be dead now.

They have also backed me with everything I have done for the last 4 years. Even now they trust me to get it right when my husband needs that extra help and support, when he does not know which way is up.

Now tell me that "I can't and I don't".

 

[Angus McGee]

As an interesting side-note, I sent a link to the post I wrote with that q and a one I wrote. No response, so I asked her. Did you read that? "uh- huh."

And that was that.

:sigh: