Finding The Balance Between Fight And Surrender

[Meadowsweet]

Given a choice, if there is a problem, I try to do something pro-active to change it.

But that's not always healthy. In bad times I will keep trying to change, changing myself, or the way I percieve the bad thing, or try to change my behaviour or attitude, to change the way others react to me.

But at the moment I'm in a situation that I can't change or control. I have to wait and see what happens. In the meantime my mind is going nuts trying to find a way out, trying to find something I can do to make things work, when there is nothing I can do.

In an abusive situation, the acceptance that you are trapped is the moment you surrender to whatever. Afterwards it creates so much mental crap, guilt, confusion and all the rest, that it's not a good place to be during abuse.

But at the moment I'm not being abused, it's just life being crap. And I've got to the point where I just can't find anything at all that I can do to change things for the better, so the acceptance and surrender to what will be is creeping in.

And today I'm feeling that accepting that this is what is happening, this is the effect on me, these are my feelings etc, is having a positive effect.

I seem to go my whole life jumping from one extreme to the other - surrendering to everything, then trying to change constantly. I never find the balance.

I'm sorry I've gone on a bit. i don't know if others will relate. But it would be especially good to hear from people who have found this balance.

 

[Red Feather]

I totally relate to this. This is pretty much my life at the moment. I also find surrenduring and accepting life and the situation is the only way to go. Also, accepting my own feelings helps a lot. If I am able to do it...

My life couldn't get much worse at the moment. Today I just thought how much I have failed at f***ing everything. Maybe it is just something to surrendur.

I understand the conflict with the idea of surrendur and abuse completely. The abusers make the victims surrunder to them. In spiritual abuse, I think this is even worse. But it is another kind though that I am experiencing now. It is more like surrenduring to myself. If I could only trust that.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

On most days I do ok. I have to accept and surrender to my reality. It is the only sane choice i have. It has helped me alot. I do not do good on the days I fight it. I wish I could feel better most of the time.

Today was a particularly hard day for me. I was feeling overwhelmned. I think that makes it worse. I try to keep my spirits up. I will wake up tommorow and I will start anew. This is an interesting subject to me.

I am so tired of feeling bad all of the time. So I try to cultivate a happier spirit. It does give a balance. Thanks for bringing this up, I appreciate it.

 

[Meadowsweet]

(((Gizmo))) I hope today is a better day for you.

I try to cultivate a happier spirit too. But like the conflict between change and acceptance, in an abusive situation the think positive stategy results in denial of the abusive reality.

I guess my confusion about all these strategies is because I'm looking for black and white instructions of how to make choices and behave in a way that will avoid abuse, without avoiding absolutely everything else.

And everytime I look into a strategy, I find two sides to it. Like every strategy can be helpful as well as harmful. So it comes down to learning how to judge a situation accurately and apply the right strategy at the right time.

Because I have years of making similar mistakes over and over, I believe that my judgement of good/bad in situations is not well formed. So knowing all the techniques of how to deal with situations doesn't work if I can't recognise where to apply them.

Most will know the saying, grant me the serenity to change the things I can, accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. It seems to be the wisdom that I'm lacking.

 

[Red Feather]

When it comes to accepting outside circumstances, I think there is a careful balance. I am having to learn this because often I did surrendur and give in. In the sect that my ex was in, "surrenduring" was a keyword used. I do not think that it was used correctly, because in the end "surrenduring" meant giving in, and compliying.

But when it comes to the inside, like anxiety and emotions that we feel, I think surrenduring is mostly a good thing. But being careful not to always act on the emotions. I think I like to use the word "accepting" better. Surrenduring implies giving up power, and accepting implies love. It really helps me when I find a way to meditate on this and accept how I feel. Even if I have SI sometimes I am just able to accept the fact and then the feelings are transformed. I can not do this always though.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with Nadia about the word surrending, to me it me it means giving in and giving up. I find acceptance a better word. It helps me.

Meadowsweet, my judgement is not so good either. I used to think I was retarded or something. I really used to apologize to people. I wish now I had not done that. I have ptsd, I am not retarded. I have a problem but it is not as bad as it used to be. I have much more common sense now. I had to learn it painfully and costly.

I guess that is the wisdom of accumulated years. I want to go with the flow of life. I want to accept what is. I can practice this but I do not always accomplish it. This is a good topic.

 

[Meadowsweet]

But when it comes to the inside, like anxiety and emotions that we feel, I think surrenduring is mostly a good thing. But being careful not to always act on the emotions. I think I like to use the word "accepting" better. Surrenduring implies giving up power, and accepting implies love.

These are good points. I think it could help me at the moment to differentiate between the feelings of surrender and acceptance.

Maybe I'm confusing them in my mind.

Meadowsweet, my judgement is not so good either. I used to think I was retarded or something. I really used to apologize to people. I wish now I had not done that. I have ptsd, I am not retarded. I have a problem but it is not as bad as it used to be. I have much more common sense now. I had to learn it painfully and costly.

I guess that is the wisdom of accumulated years. I want to go with the flow of life. I want to accept what is. I can practice this but I do not always accomplish it. This is a good topic.

I have a feeling side and a logical side. So I have logic and common sense until my emotions are touched, then my brain turns to mush.

I think perhaps me wanting to find nicely defined black and white rules to judge emotional situations, is because my logical side functions much more successfully than my emotional miss mush for brains :D.

I've accumulated nearly 40 years and I still don't get it. But I will keep trying.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Me too. I will keep on trying too. It is a struggle at times but I am ok most of the time now.

 

[Red Feather]

Yesterday I meditated on my "It's okay" voice. I am still doing it today. It makes me realize how much I am unconsciously hating so many aspects of my life. Then I say "It's okay" and that helped me a lot. Like it's okay to be unsocial at the moment. It's okay to ask for help, etc. It's not only about saying it but actually feeling it in your heart.

But in contrast, not taking care of yourself is not okay. Like the statement: it's okay not to eat at least one warm meal in the day. That really isn't okay.

 

[Meadowsweet]

But in contrast, not taking care of yourself is not okay. Like the statement: it's okay not to eat at least one warm meal in the day. That really isn't okay.

Something I was taught only recently (so I'm still trying to make it a habit) is to acknowledge that the feeling behind the action is ok, and the feeling of wanting to react harmfully is ok. And by acknowledging the feeling it seperates it from the action itself.

So I might say "Its ok to feel frightened of these emotions. I acknowledge the need I am feeling for comfort and this is why I want to eat chocolate."

I find it very upsetting to acknowledge my neediness, because it brings up a whole heap of feelings surrounding the need being unfulfilled. So I still keep failing and reaching for comfort in other ways.

But I understand it is a method I need and it will work with practise and perserverance.

 

[Red Feather]

I find it very upsetting to acknowledge my neediness, because it brings up a whole heap of feelings surrounding the need being unfulfilled. So I still keep failing and reaching for comfort in other ways.

Oh yes, and I am not even sure if neediness is something that is okay. Ha... I think because I was so needy during and after the marriage, I assumed the opposite role and made sure I was never needy again. But of course, it is not being honest.

 

[Meadowsweet]

The response to neediness sometimes isn't healthy.

But it is ok to feel the need for comfort and nurture. It's ok to feel hurt that it is unfulfilled too.

But after that comes acceptance that it isn't there and that fact is what we have to work with I think.