Self harm?

[Deleted member 17457]

Anybody about to chat? I'm kinda feeling really shitty. IDK how the chat here works. I'm a newbie.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Gindrop,

Sorry you feel so bad. I am afraid I have a problem with chat and also don't know how or if it works here. Can you do something comforting or grounding? What do you need?

On a separate note I think the main reason people SI is to as they say"regulate emotion" and when we don't have other coping skills to help do so. And obviously having PTSD means there are a lot of very intense emotions to try to deal with!

I know another reason for me has actually been to avoid SU stuff. And also what others have said here in that sometimes words are not enough to express the pain and somehow seeing it visually helps. I think that's why the comfort from seeing scars. But sadly there is an aftermath of pain and it is something that never truly comforts in any way. Like conditions such as eating disorders it masquerades as a effective coping but really isn't at all. But becomes very entrenched and can be hard work to stop.

Hugs to anyone that needs them.

 

[maddog]

I think that self harm still remains a very much stigmatised and misunderstood problem, and one which takes on many many forms, some of which are overt and some more subtle and less identified as such.

As a child and adolescent I used to cut and burn myself to a moderate degree. In recent years i have largely moved away from these behaviours, though they re-emerge just often and intensely enough to remind me that I will probably always have to be vigilant when under pressure about not reverting to old ways.

Sadly, I have instead adopted a number of more subtle behaviours which still very much constitute self harm, things such as undereating, overexercising, workaholism and almost any other form of extreme or obsessive behaviour that you could name at some time or other. It's easier to deny that these are actual self harming, but the intent and effect of them is the same.

I sometimes struggle with the double bind of exercise, which has become a key stress relief and means of diverting my urges to harm myself, yet can also become an obsessive and self punishing behaviour that in itself becomes self harming.

Lots more I could think and write on this topic, but I'm about to have to shut my computer down due to a storm...

Great, validating, comforting thread though - nice to not feel so alone.

Maddog

 

[Jay1486]

Trying to cut yourself out?

 

[Anna]

Anybody about to chat? I'm kinda feeling really shitty. IDK how the chat here works. I'm a newbie.

You can always start a conversation. I love chatting. Click on the inbox and select start new conversation.

 

[faraway]

I used to self-harm when I was in a more generally hypoaroused state. Once I went the other way to a hypervigilant state, I stopped. However, since starting therapy and having to deal with a lot of the emotions I'd repressed, I'm feeling the urge a lot. I've managed to not do it so far though; instead I've been digging my fingernails into my wrist and hand as hard as I can. That seems to take away the urge. :/

 

[Orglethorp]

Another PTSD sufferer who struggles with self harm chiming in here - I'm fortunate in that none of the doctors or therapists I've ever seen have jumped straight to the BDP diagnosis without assessing everything. The again, I think I've only ever told two out of all of them.

I was actually doing really well until last night. I've thought about hurting myself just about every day of my life, but until last night it had been nearly two years since I've actually done it. I don't know what changed.

I agree with people above in saying that harming has never been purely impulsive for me. The thoughts might be, sure, and that bothers me to no end, but for me to actually act on those thoughts... it's always thought through, often for hours before hand. It's not an attention seeking thing. If someone sees my scars and asks if I have a cat, then you bet I'm running with that story. (Amazing how many times the person asking provides the lie...) That being said, I'm wondering, am I the only one who wants my cuts to scar? I know it's contradictory to hide them yet want them there, but I do.

 

[Shellbell]

Sadly, I have instead adopted a number of more subtle behaviours which still very much constitute self harm, things such as undereating, overexercising, workaholism and almost any other form of extreme or obsessive behaviour that you could name at some time or other. It's easier to deny that these are actual self harming, but the intent and effect of them is the same.

I agree there are very subtle forms of self harm that are often the hardest to acknowledge and therefore deal with. They don't necessarily appear to be self harm, but the intent and effect is exactly the same as some of the more obvious forms of self harm.

I have subtle self harm behaviours and have never previously considered myself to have self harm issues, but now I am recognising I do. And these long term behaviours are just as difficult to stop as the more overtly obvious ones.

There are common patterns of behaviour in most long term severe childhood abuse survivors including self harm, eating disorders, alcohol abuse, obsessional thoughts/behaviours.

 

[anonymous]

That being said, I'm wondering, am I the only one who wants my cuts to scar? I know it's contradictory to hide them yet want them there, but I do.

I have a lot of scars from my cutting. I wish I could get rid of them. I hate to have to explain them and dread being asked about them. It makes me even more hesitant to pursuit a relationship because I fear the question about the scars is inevitable.

I wonder what other people's experiences are with being asked about the scars.

 

[Orglethorp]

I've actually found that people general don't ask if I don't try to hide them. I've mostly worn long sleeves here in my new city since it's so much colder, but back home in BC I wasn't afraid to leave the house in a t-shirt, and my scars didn't really get that much attention. I know people can see them, especially in the summer when I get a little tanned, but I guess people figure that since I'm not trying to hide them, they must have resulted from something that I'm not ashamed of.

 

[Shellbell]

I saw a lady recently who was being treated for mental health problems from severe trauma. Her arms and legs were absolutely covered in self harm scars. There were more scars than unscarred skin. It made me want to cry seeing all her pain and suffering displayed all over her body. I just wanted to hug her and tell her it would all be okay. It was very difficult and very confronting and I felt desperately aware of her pain. I think that image will remain in my head a long time.

 

[Draiocht]

I self-harmed since I was 12, but I've been much better with it recently. Mostly it was a very private thing centred around punishment and controlling my anger, but I think a part of it may have been me trying to express how I was feeling inside because I could never verbalise my distress. It would explain why I never told a staff member in hospital when I was going to, just couldn't say anything to them at all. Unless I want to slowly broil in summer I haven't really got a choice about hiding scars. I wear skin coloured tights and that lessens the ones on my legs at least. I've gotten used to people staring at them, then staring at me when they think I'm not looking, I can tune it out mostly. A few times strangers feel the need to come over and tell me I shouldn't be doing that to myself. I'm sure their hearts are in the right place but it can be a bit frustrating and I have to bite back the urge to say "bit late for that now isn't it!"

My last psychiatrist thought I might have BPD, but he was a good doctor and I think there were elements of it there. I suppose dissociation and maybe feelings of anger as well as poor self image kind of blur between the two but to jump to the conclusion it is BPD is potentially damaging, especially given the stigma that diagnosis has from others and even within mental health services.