FaerieJayne
Bronze Member
You are right, I need to try and be mindful of what I think and how I deal with those thoughts. Thanks.
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
ED Ptsd & eating disorders
- Post starter poeticprincess88
- Start date
- Status
HI Sunny
Yes that was just like me. I hated looking into the mirror myself!. Because I looked like this my self esteem was even lower. What I realised is that I needed to be skilled in other ways to deal with men and unwanted advances and not just rely on the fact I looked awful.
Being ill equipped with these skills and low self esteem got me into trouble in the first place and putting on weight was just compounding how I thought about myself. I hated feeling that if I was thinner men only want me for sex. But it turned out because of my lack of boundaries and my self loathing they only wanted me for that then when I ate a lot too. SO something else had to be worked on.
It is working and I am getting much more confident in myself. I feel now that I do have the right in saying, 'don't talk to me like that, or I am not happy with your behaviour I am going to leave if you carry on' or can dismiss someone who comes over too familiar or aggressive in a much better way now. I have set myself clear boundaries for this. There are certain things now that I will say something about, whereas before I would just laugh it off or let it go.
I think getting to know myself better also helped. :)
best wishes
Saffy :)
You poor thing! Have you spoken to any therapists etc? Your beautiful, and you can't let what happened to you stop you from being able to get through this. Again, I am so sorry, and welcome to the forum, I am new too and it really helps :) Stay strong, and take the steps you need to, and be patient with yourself, it takes time. Goodluck!:happy:
droppingrain
Bronze Member
My old therapist also said that if I effectively dealt with the sexual abuse in my past the substance abuse, eating disorder, and other self abuse things would go away. I'm skeptical because sometimes I'll go weeks w/o thinking about my abuse and I'll make myself purge or restrict for weeks. Then again I have an addictive personality I can get addicted to anything it seems like....
I've had an eating disorder since I was 12 or so. Before I started having PTSD symptoms.
I've had an eating disorder since I was 12 or so. Before I started having PTSD symptoms.
Since you have had it for a while then I would be sceptical too! I know many who have done this and nothing changes until they actively work on changing those ingrained habits. I also know a few people whose ED's were milder and more short lived who improved a lot by dealing with the trauma but then the first stressful occurrence in life that popped up after caused a relapse. What is needed is both to be dealt with in my opinion. We have to train our brains to automatically default to different ways of coping and that takes hard work sadly. Trauma triggers for behaviours can be worked through even though it is darn hard and painful.
My most enduring ones are linked to distorted thoughts about size and what it means and certain bodily sensations linked to eating.
I currenly have a badly inflamed and infected wisdom tooth that is impinging on nerves in my jaw and face and causing me considerable pain. I'm having it removed on Thursday and have struggled badly with the negative impact that all of this pain in my mouth, not to mention the recent dental examinations, have had on my ability to control my food and eating triggers. The body memories of the trauma associated with food have been very bad lately and I am frankly terrified of the reality of this week's surgery.
The prospect of coming out of a general anaesthetic with pain and blood in my mouth and all of the associated invasive elements of the surgery has driven me to the point of almost starvation again in the past few days, and this after having made a little progress in recent weeks.
This feels like another big hurdle in the battle against my eating problem, right at a time when I was beginning to talk about and take some very preliminary steps towards addressing it.
Feeling very discouraged right now.
Maddog
The prospect of coming out of a general anaesthetic with pain and blood in my mouth and all of the associated invasive elements of the surgery has driven me to the point of almost starvation again in the past few days, and this after having made a little progress in recent weeks.
This feels like another big hurdle in the battle against my eating problem, right at a time when I was beginning to talk about and take some very preliminary steps towards addressing it.
Feeling very discouraged right now.
Maddog
Maddog,
I am sorry. :( Your trauma around food is severe. My heart really goes out to you. This type of thing is very triggering. Do you have an ED dietician and one that understands your trauma? What support do you have around food? Will you have anyone with you afterwards that understands both nutrition and your trauma? If you are underweight it may be best to be hospitalised now in preparation as dropping weight has such serious consequences on the brain and thinking and mood. Physical obstacles can be so hard. :( As if it isn't hard enough.
You need to find a way to keep your weight up. It is so essential. Sending you masses of support. Are you taking liquid supplements?
I am sorry. :( Your trauma around food is severe. My heart really goes out to you. This type of thing is very triggering. Do you have an ED dietician and one that understands your trauma? What support do you have around food? Will you have anyone with you afterwards that understands both nutrition and your trauma? If you are underweight it may be best to be hospitalised now in preparation as dropping weight has such serious consequences on the brain and thinking and mood. Physical obstacles can be so hard. :( As if it isn't hard enough.
You need to find a way to keep your weight up. It is so essential. Sending you masses of support. Are you taking liquid supplements?
Thanks Abstract, your compassion means a lot to me. I almost didn't want to respond to your message though, I must confess, because I'm really not doing as much as I probably should right now to manage this situation responsibly. I'm working with my T on the eating stuff generally, and am currently managing to get enough food down to still be within the safe zone and not at any immediate risk... it's just that all of this has set me back a lot in what felt like some genuine progress I was making, and that's hit me like a body blow right now.
In truth, until the tooth itself is dealt with and gone and the pain hopefully subsides, it's just a case of getting down what I can and trying to mentally prepare myself for coping with the triggers associated with the surgery. Definitely still getting fluids down though, and soups and yoghurt and other foods that are easiest to tolerate, both physically and psychologically for me right now.
I'm not actually underweight, something to do with having badly damaged my metabolism through years of starvation I'm afraid to say. So as T keeps reminding me, my body is valiantly adapting to try to protect me and to keep me alive, and I need to work just as hard to learn how to support it in its efforts. Somehow it does give me a bit of perspective and courage to think about it this way, and to try to start to look upon my body as some sort of protector, rather than as a disgusting and worthless vessel for so much evil. That won't happen overnight... gosh, sometimes it feels like it won't happen at all, but it's something to work towards, and I'm doing that, even if not much else in terms of self preservation right now.
Really do appreciate you getting back to me. And a dietician is something I do need to think about, so thanks for reminding me of that too.
MD
In truth, until the tooth itself is dealt with and gone and the pain hopefully subsides, it's just a case of getting down what I can and trying to mentally prepare myself for coping with the triggers associated with the surgery. Definitely still getting fluids down though, and soups and yoghurt and other foods that are easiest to tolerate, both physically and psychologically for me right now.
I'm not actually underweight, something to do with having badly damaged my metabolism through years of starvation I'm afraid to say. So as T keeps reminding me, my body is valiantly adapting to try to protect me and to keep me alive, and I need to work just as hard to learn how to support it in its efforts. Somehow it does give me a bit of perspective and courage to think about it this way, and to try to start to look upon my body as some sort of protector, rather than as a disgusting and worthless vessel for so much evil. That won't happen overnight... gosh, sometimes it feels like it won't happen at all, but it's something to work towards, and I'm doing that, even if not much else in terms of self preservation right now.
Really do appreciate you getting back to me. And a dietician is something I do need to think about, so thanks for reminding me of that too.
MD
ericaboo
Diamond Member
Like MD, food was a manipulation factor in my family too - I also learned to ignore my physical needs. I also think depression plays a part for me because sometimes I just don't care about my long term health...
When I used a lot of drugs and alcohol I gained weight for about 15 years. Then recently when all the trauma memories started to flood me, I lost all the weight so fast people have commented that I look like I just came from a concentration camp... sad. People don't even recognize me.
None of my docs seemed to catch it until I finally said something to my therapist about it. He really did see an ED with me which I've never thought was true... I'm scared now because I know how dangerous that is, and I just thought I was too lazy to get up and make myself something to eat... now I see there's so much more to it than that.
I am new to this concept - it just seems like one diagnosis after another. At least now that I'm more aware, I'm trying to pay special attention to eating enough calories. I've been able to maintain the same weight for a few weeks now, but not gain anything.
My therapist said I should go to my primary care physician for a referral to a nutritionist - I have an appointment next week... even though I really have a hard time believing that I have a problem, I do. Going to get help takes courage, but it really can be a life or death thing. I, myself, plan to take it seriously, despite my feelings of denial. When enough people comment, it's time to at least look into it as a possibility.
When I used a lot of drugs and alcohol I gained weight for about 15 years. Then recently when all the trauma memories started to flood me, I lost all the weight so fast people have commented that I look like I just came from a concentration camp... sad. People don't even recognize me.
None of my docs seemed to catch it until I finally said something to my therapist about it. He really did see an ED with me which I've never thought was true... I'm scared now because I know how dangerous that is, and I just thought I was too lazy to get up and make myself something to eat... now I see there's so much more to it than that.
I am new to this concept - it just seems like one diagnosis after another. At least now that I'm more aware, I'm trying to pay special attention to eating enough calories. I've been able to maintain the same weight for a few weeks now, but not gain anything.
My therapist said I should go to my primary care physician for a referral to a nutritionist - I have an appointment next week... even though I really have a hard time believing that I have a problem, I do. Going to get help takes courage, but it really can be a life or death thing. I, myself, plan to take it seriously, despite my feelings of denial. When enough people comment, it's time to at least look into it as a possibility.
Dear MD,
I think you are very brave to start speaking about this. There is something about eating and nourishment that goes to the core of us being human it seems to me. And when abuse happens around something so fundamental then it goes way way deeper than just the practical aspects of eating.
ED lies say differently of course. They say that it helps us cope or isn't a problem or many other things. But those are all lies I have found. Nothing good comes with it and much that is bad does.
Your body (and mine) is am amazing strong and precious thing! It is worthy of nurturing and needs to do nothing at all to deserve food. Just existing means it has earned that already. Feeding yourself shows that you value yourself and I think that is one of the reasons why it can be so darn hard. We have been sadled with so much self hatred that isn't really ours to begin with. It can be really extraordinary hard to do. Especially since just admitting that our bodies and we have needs is just plain terrifying.
Your body is doing and has done an amazing job! :)
I really do think the best thing for your situation is liquid supplements. There is no reason at all why you cannot get the missing nutrition from something like this to fill in what you can't chew at present. Remember any step you do now saves from much harder ones later. And helps your thinking and brain function and helps medication be more effective as well as helping your healing.
I too was stable weight wise for a long on time on ridiculously low amounts of calories but now have pretty normal metabolism.
Proper ED dieticians can be worth their weight in gold for this stuff as they can help us find ways around the triggers or find ways to get past/through them. They used to terrify the life out of me. :( Even in late recovery I would have a panic attack at even the mention of one as they were connected in my mind to such painful memories. But by facing that down (extremely painful) I have now managed to get past it.
I truly believe that this is something you can beat and that you can learn to look after your body in the way it deserves to be looked after. The way it should always have been looked after. It will take lots of hard work but you can do it.
One thing that helped me is to constantly tell myself that I was being a good parent to myself while I was eating. That this is not the past and this is different and I am doing something good for myself and changing things.
I hope this is not too much for you but wanted to say it. Your body needs nutrition if it is going to have a medical procedure. Much caring to you.
I think you are very brave to start speaking about this. There is something about eating and nourishment that goes to the core of us being human it seems to me. And when abuse happens around something so fundamental then it goes way way deeper than just the practical aspects of eating.
It seems that there is no doubt that things will be hard for you until after the op. And will probably take a bit of time after to get back on track mentally. What I will say though is that from my experince giving in even a bit never solves anything. It took the longest time for me to truly see that. I see it as a battle between the ed and me and any time I give in to ED for even a moment it gives the ED strength and takes it away from me.
ED lies say differently of course. They say that it helps us cope or isn't a problem or many other things. But those are all lies I have found. Nothing good comes with it and much that is bad does.
Your body (and mine) is am amazing strong and precious thing! It is worthy of nurturing and needs to do nothing at all to deserve food. Just existing means it has earned that already. Feeding yourself shows that you value yourself and I think that is one of the reasons why it can be so darn hard. We have been sadled with so much self hatred that isn't really ours to begin with. It can be really extraordinary hard to do. Especially since just admitting that our bodies and we have needs is just plain terrifying.
Your body is doing and has done an amazing job! :)
I really do think the best thing for your situation is liquid supplements. There is no reason at all why you cannot get the missing nutrition from something like this to fill in what you can't chew at present. Remember any step you do now saves from much harder ones later. And helps your thinking and brain function and helps medication be more effective as well as helping your healing.
I too was stable weight wise for a long on time on ridiculously low amounts of calories but now have pretty normal metabolism.
Proper ED dieticians can be worth their weight in gold for this stuff as they can help us find ways around the triggers or find ways to get past/through them. They used to terrify the life out of me. :( Even in late recovery I would have a panic attack at even the mention of one as they were connected in my mind to such painful memories. But by facing that down (extremely painful) I have now managed to get past it.
I truly believe that this is something you can beat and that you can learn to look after your body in the way it deserves to be looked after. The way it should always have been looked after. It will take lots of hard work but you can do it.
One thing that helped me is to constantly tell myself that I was being a good parent to myself while I was eating. That this is not the past and this is different and I am doing something good for myself and changing things.
I hope this is not too much for you but wanted to say it. Your body needs nutrition if it is going to have a medical procedure. Much caring to you.
I have started eating better things for my body. I have been using super food protein smoothies to start my day. I have been drinking raw coconut butter (super food), and protein powder (sprouted grains) with coconut milk and all sorts of fruit. My skin looks better. Little changes count for a lot, it feels good to be doing something nice for my body. I have been drinking water instead of cola and my headache frequency has decreased and I overall feel better.
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
