- Post starter
- #133
Hi MD
I'm sorry to have to tell you that your post made me smile.
For two reasons; the one is not so good but the second one is. Oh, and there is a third one as well, which is also good.
Isn't it amazing how one can see things in others that you can't you see in yourself? Or rather, one can only see things in yourself once you've seen them in others. Like a mirror. And the mirror thing is something I'll get back to.
1. The not so good reason. I relate, and now I don't feel so alone. This reason is not 'not-so-good', it's bad, bad, bad and then even worse, I know, I'm sorry.
2. The good one: How about looking at this from a 'forward' perspective (Abstract should approve ;) ): How about no-one has ever attached to you before because you were Teflon coated, and not because the stuff behind the Teflon exterior is not okay? How about you had to learn all of this first, and are ready now for the first time? Like he had to chip hole into the Teflon so that something could stick, or he peeled the Teflon back together with the onion? Or some other very corny analogy - you can make up your own :D. And this is the vulnerability you are now experiencing? And the pain?
2. You've been expressing thoughts / emotions along this line for a while. For yes, you can't stay attached to him forever. And you may not believe it now, but you don't want to. You probably want to right NOW, which is the most normal thing in the world - for the simple reason that he is there, you are attached to him. But he does not have to be ripped away for you to attach to someone else. Let's think of another awful analogy - a creature hatching: imagine the discomfort when it is ready to hatch. I suspect you're sort of moving into the 'ready' position. Let me make it even worse - perhaps it is not reptilian, but mammalian: You're upside down - no wonder you don't understand a thing. (Please forgive me, I worked right through the night, it is afternoon, I have not slept in I don't even know how many hours, my brain is not my own, I can only be inappropriate - and yet mean it at the same time. OMG)
Anyway:
3) You talk about him checking the time. I think more likely he is checking the Checklist of Maddog's Milestones.
General: I became familiar with Self Psychology for the first time when I started seeing the last therapist. Read about Kohut's theories. It basically boils down to: A child has nothing. The caregivers (okay, not mine or yours, but according to the blueprint they were supposed to) have stuff inside them that the child needs to be able to become a fully functional being. So the child absorbs that through the interaction, et voila - he/she is a sane stable mature human. Those of us who didn't absorb enough of the right stuff inevitably end up in therapy, with or without trauma. The therapist provides enough of the right stuff for us to absorb, grab, pillage - and then to start producing our own. (This is why I want to scream when I hear people say: "You have to provide it for yourself." Thank you Kohut, for being a little more intelligent than the average patient, and a little more human than the average therapist.)
And this is why I thought 'my' therapist could work for me. This is the approach I need. A garden can't grow from NOTHING, for heaven's sake. And this is why I, at times, feel despair, for not being able to be in therapy. And at some point I'm going to start jumping up and down for your (you, Abstract, Hashi, and others) sympathy, empathy, attention and encouraging words. I hope you can take this hint :D )
The point is I think you have, whatever his orientation, 'absorbed' (silly word, but I couldn't think of a better one) crucial things and are now ready to ....
All of this is very crudely put I know. I need to get some sleep before I fall off my chair.
PS: I forgot to add the mirror bit. It's all in Kohut - and a very important human need.
I'm sorry to have to tell you that your post made me smile.
For two reasons; the one is not so good but the second one is. Oh, and there is a third one as well, which is also good.
Isn't it amazing how one can see things in others that you can't you see in yourself? Or rather, one can only see things in yourself once you've seen them in others. Like a mirror. And the mirror thing is something I'll get back to.
1. The not so good reason. I relate, and now I don't feel so alone. This reason is not 'not-so-good', it's bad, bad, bad and then even worse, I know, I'm sorry.
2. The good one: How about looking at this from a 'forward' perspective (Abstract should approve ;) ): How about no-one has ever attached to you before because you were Teflon coated, and not because the stuff behind the Teflon exterior is not okay? How about you had to learn all of this first, and are ready now for the first time? Like he had to chip hole into the Teflon so that something could stick, or he peeled the Teflon back together with the onion? Or some other very corny analogy - you can make up your own :D. And this is the vulnerability you are now experiencing? And the pain?
2. You've been expressing thoughts / emotions along this line for a while. For yes, you can't stay attached to him forever. And you may not believe it now, but you don't want to. You probably want to right NOW, which is the most normal thing in the world - for the simple reason that he is there, you are attached to him. But he does not have to be ripped away for you to attach to someone else. Let's think of another awful analogy - a creature hatching: imagine the discomfort when it is ready to hatch. I suspect you're sort of moving into the 'ready' position. Let me make it even worse - perhaps it is not reptilian, but mammalian: You're upside down - no wonder you don't understand a thing. (Please forgive me, I worked right through the night, it is afternoon, I have not slept in I don't even know how many hours, my brain is not my own, I can only be inappropriate - and yet mean it at the same time. OMG)
Anyway:
3) You talk about him checking the time. I think more likely he is checking the Checklist of Maddog's Milestones.
General: I became familiar with Self Psychology for the first time when I started seeing the last therapist. Read about Kohut's theories. It basically boils down to: A child has nothing. The caregivers (okay, not mine or yours, but according to the blueprint they were supposed to) have stuff inside them that the child needs to be able to become a fully functional being. So the child absorbs that through the interaction, et voila - he/she is a sane stable mature human. Those of us who didn't absorb enough of the right stuff inevitably end up in therapy, with or without trauma. The therapist provides enough of the right stuff for us to absorb, grab, pillage - and then to start producing our own. (This is why I want to scream when I hear people say: "You have to provide it for yourself." Thank you Kohut, for being a little more intelligent than the average patient, and a little more human than the average therapist.)
And this is why I thought 'my' therapist could work for me. This is the approach I need. A garden can't grow from NOTHING, for heaven's sake. And this is why I, at times, feel despair, for not being able to be in therapy. And at some point I'm going to start jumping up and down for your (you, Abstract, Hashi, and others) sympathy, empathy, attention and encouraging words. I hope you can take this hint :D )
The point is I think you have, whatever his orientation, 'absorbed' (silly word, but I couldn't think of a better one) crucial things and are now ready to ....
All of this is very crudely put I know. I need to get some sleep before I fall off my chair.
PS: I forgot to add the mirror bit. It's all in Kohut - and a very important human need.
