Why Do Parents Hate Their Kids?

[maddog]

I never, ever, not even once, turned around and fought back against my father, and yet I do believe that in me he sensed and loathed a form of unyielding defiance that was a big part of why he not only hated me, but pursued me so ruthlessly in an attempt to break me. I don't really ever remember feeling defiant, and yet I just kept coming back and back and back. I was the child who wouldn't die I suppose, and he hated that, and so hated me more and more every day.

I was also the protector of my siblings and the leader of our child pack. They looked to me for comfort and protection and he hated that too.

I sometimes grieve, and hate myself, for the fact that I never stood up to him. The first act of fightback I ever initiated against him overtly was the day 3 years ago that I told him to never contact me again, and even that was done from hundreds of km away over the phone. When he subsequently came after me, all I did was to leave, and not to fight back. I know I need to learn to not feel shame and weakness, and that what I did, and didn't do, was done and not done to survive. Sometimes I just imagine how it would have been if even once I had called his bluff, turned on him, and said... "just do it then, kill me..." or something of that nature. I do believe there is great cowardice in him, yet also psychopathic brutality and disinhibited rage, and which of those traits took centre stage in the heat of the moment would probably determine whether or not he walked away or smashed me into a thousand pieces.

I do strongly believe that people who abuse children are, in many instances, deep-rooted cowards, as are many bullies. Your story about your dad perhaps illustrated that point Pencil, or perhaps not... I am anxious of drawing conclusions about a person and a context I know only this snapshot about, but part of me was unsurprised that someone who could mistreat a child would stop in shock and be so very taken aback when that grown-up child, and a woman at that, turned and threatened to fight him. What a big man!!!

The hate of my mother is different, but just as real. To be the abuser is one thing, but to be the enabler, the silent watcheful observer, is something different. Not once did she protect or defend me, either directly or indirectly. Instead she facilitated his abuse and even participated as a form of assistant at times. Her silence and cold rejecting hatred are like a physical memory from my childhood. They are part of why I am so fiercely resistent to relationships with most women, because there is something in even slightly cold or detached females that triggers the willies out of me and sends me into utter irrational flight mode.

I hope I didn't imply that my siblings were not abused or somehow escaped the negative effects of our childhood. I know that both of them are traumatised in their own ways and that each suffered terribly. To watch another sibling beaten and almost killed multiple times is a brand of abuse all its own and that is one they experienced often, in addition to the neglect and emotional abuse they also directly experienced. Sadly, they are both still deep in denial about our past, very much still enmeshed in the family unit and addament that all of this (both our past and the current breakdown of the family) are my own fault. But then, they were taught from birth that pretty much everything in the world was my fault and ought to be so, so this makes sense. I know their journey has to be their own, just as mine does.

Not sure why I'm saying all of this, I don't think I wanted to, it just... happened.

Maddog

 

[Pencil]

maybe that hatred is so entirely about them that there is no possible sense that can be made of it.

I like that statement

 

[Pencil]

I know I need to learn to not feel shame and weakness, and that what I did, and didn't do, was done and not done to survive. Sometimes I just imagine how it would have been if even once I had called his bluff, turned on him, and said... "just do it then, kill me..." or something of that nature. I do believe there is great cowardice in him, yet also psychopathic brutality and disinhibited rage, and which of those traits took centre stage in the heat of the moment would probably determine whether or not he walked away or smashed me into a thousand pieces.

Maddog, what I did was not heroic, it was a moment of utter, rash, irresponsible stupidity. I had such a moment on this thread as well. I become anxious and 'pee in my pants' so to speak. I'm glad you never did :)

I should not have been there that day; I should not have had any contact with him at that stage. But severing ties was unthinkable. Defying him like that would have terrified me more than the sword of Damocles inches above my head, and wondering what would bring it crashing down.

 

[Don't trip]

Wow. Very interesting posts. They resonate so well with me.

I've found that in survivor support, survivors have the most difficult time detaching from what is the original trauma bond, the abusive parent, more so than they do a romantic partner or any other relationship. Continued contact with the abusing parent comes with its own set of 'rules' that don't apply to any other relationships. I went no contact with my biological family, before I did so with my last romantic partner (psychopath). I think I hung onto him so long, because he was the only one left in my life at the time, that facilitated the familiar, yet twisted and addictive abuse cycle I was in from childhood. In most cases, it's the reverse: the survivor can leave the disordered partner, but the parent continues to provide ample opportunity to keep the abuse cycles going. I found that for me, when all of it was over, all abuse out of my life and my addiction to drama, chaos and abuse unfed, I was LOST. I had to build a foundation, reparent myself, ALONE.

I share with survivors that the disordered/abusive partner is unable to change. Purposefully tries to destroy and harm them. It's hard to fathom this, but the SAME rules apply to the parent. What is very astonishing to observe, but leaves no doubt for me that a trauma bond still exists in a survivor, is when a survivor has a disordered parent, the source of the original trauma bond still in their life, yet when they read about another survivor's ex behaving in manipulative and abusive ways toward their children, they are appalled and angry about it, without realizing that their parent is and has done, the same things. Abusive behavior by the parent is normalized, minimized and trivialized, leaving no exit door available to stop the abuse and the cycles. A trauma bond with a parent exists when the parent is actively engaged in abusive tactics toward the survivor and the survivor is not horrified by what's happening to them, but can readily see it in others.

It's incredibly challenging to try to heal without abuse still in a survivor's life.

If no contact can happen, it's in the best interest of the survivor so they have the space and time to process the relationship without interference from the parent.

I remember being chastised for going to therapy. Had I stayed involved with my father, a smear campaign and further attempts to 'destroy' me would have been implemented. To this day, we still have the same hairdresser, although she never schedules us together, as she knows what the deal is. He still discusses me and hasn't seen me in nearly five years now, exception one time when we bumped into one another at the hair salon by accident. They do this, because of their inability to take responsibility for their behaviors. Continued contact with a parent who 'knows that you know' is a losing proposition. I was a constant reminder of the reality that my father had no conscience and since his image was so important to him, I was viewed as a threat, from childhood on. . .

 

[Pencil]

By the way, Raven, my father was a church elder ....

 

[Pencil]

Continued contact with the abusing parent comes with its own set of 'rules' that don't apply to any other relationships.

Don't trip, yes I was very aware of this. At times it was like emotional double vision.

I think I've kind of dealt with the 'stuff' in my life, but it amazes me to see that I still cling to what hurts (I'm talking about the present here). It is so difficult for me to let go of a painful situation.

Where is Raven? Are we going off topic here? I never know, and need Abstract to tell me. I'm topic deaf .... I blame my parents.

 

[Philippa]

Maddog, your father was a very brutal guy. You cannot be blamed for not being able to find it in yourself to stand up to him to his face. He was menacing towards you throughout your whole childhood...how can anyone expect you to do more than just get the hell away from the f*cker. That's the main thing...you got away from him.

I'm the same though, I still look back and give myself crap that I got myself into certain situations that were dangerous for me, or didn't speak up to the person at the time. I always seemed to think of what to say hours later, when it was already over, which was so frustrating.

I had the hardest time standing up to my own father, and he never beat me, or at least nothing near to the same level that you were beaten. I always found him slightly intimidating and was so timid back then. I found my voice recently and said to him what I needed to say. It wasn't to his face, but then I knew I may not be able to get the words out if he were in front of me. He just had a way of taking my voice away and silencing me.

I struggled with feeling like a bit of a coward for doing it all by email, and not saying it to his face, but I may not have been able to say what I needed to in the right words.

That guy put so much fear into you. I don't blame you for fearing him. He didn't just threaten, he acted and when he did it was not half assed. Anyone in your position would no doubt have trouble standing up to that.

 

[Abstract]

I never, ever, not even once, turned around and fought back

Me either. And he was not like yours.

yet when they read about another survivor's ex behaving in manipulative and abusive ways toward their children, they are appalled and angry about it, without realizing that their parent is and has done, the same things

It's bizaar how strong this is.

part of why I am so fiercely resistent to relationships with most women

Me as well. Obvious behaviour is easier somehow.

are my own fault

I think this is typical. They have to hold onto the concept of you as the capsule for all the family sh*t and are hanging on for dear life as if they don't then they all have to take ownership of it all - and that would be intolerable.

With each incident we hated him more and loved her more. Even more creepy.

Yes and yes.

 

[p-no]

I never stood up to him.

Maddog, what you did, in my view, is standing up to him. It doesn't matter if it's on the phone or not. You were probably a lot safer while you were on the phone with him! And you faced him, you told him what you wanted from him. This is standing up to him for me; it does not have to happen while you're hit or something. And walking away is standing up for yourself! It's a difficult thing to do, despite all. At least it was for me.

As an adult and after some time of therapy I went back to many adults who were important for me when I grew up and told them what happened and wanted to know what they did, if they did anything, what they noticed or not, why they didn't do anything if they didn't. That was also standing up for myself, facing them. For me, what was and is important is that no one can ever again say they didn't know. From what I can tell, you let your father know what he did, in other words, but clearly.

 

[raven123]

Pencil, I'm sorry. :( Sounds like just a bully. Sad.

Prime-no, I'm sorry. :( I doubt she'd have wanted to be treated that way.

Mercy, I'm sorry. :( Her Bipolar was no excuse.

Albatross, I'm sorry. I can relate well. I wonder if my mom knew what to do? I'm sure eventually I'll forgive her. But, my sperm donor, not any time I can see. If my sperm donor wants his ass beat, he knows where I am. I'd much rather put him in jail for the rest of his miserable life.

Loner, Incest is so terrible. I'm so sorry. I was raped by a woman and a man so I can relate some. I do hate the man more than the woman cause his was violent, not beat me up, but it hurt. I'd kill both slowly with torture. Let them beg for death. I ain't gonna lie.

I wish I knew more what to say to each of you. I just don't. I'm beginning to think more and more people need a license to have children.

 

[Pencil]

Raven, you know what really gets to me? Not his/her anger / abuse / lunacy / whatever, but the fact that they are dead. We have to remember that they suffered. I am NOT saying that they deserve sympathy, don't get me wrong here. What I mean is that for the time they were on this earth life was not fun, nice, enjoyable, or anything even remotely positive. And now they are dead. What a waste, and didn't they have it in their power to make something better of their experience on this earth than being bitter, twisted, crazy, whatever they were, felt and experienced? Life really is short, and then it is over.

And I look at my own life in relation to that, and I really want more for myself.

And Raven, I'm sorry :(

 

[Philippa]

There definitely should be a license to have kids, and a strict procedure and process before acquiring said license.