Attachment Issues

[Pencil]

I really have become an emotional flasher! :x3:

It's difficult to say - I think I am so stressed in those situations...

In an earlier post I said that they all left me for someone else - so in a sense it is correct to say they did not love me enough. So, was my experience not a correct assessment? I tend to go for people on the rebound, without realizing it. I tend to repeat the situation with my mother.

I have no idea Abstract, I'm such a mess in that area - and for that reason I have not been in any kind of relationship for more than 10 years and intend keeping it that way. The people in my life have NO idea of who I am or how I operate - mainly because it is too much for friendships (my current friendships are very superficial, anyway), and because people generally don't understand this type of thing.

So, I'm waffling, because I can't give you a straight answer. Let me try again: I think in relationships I run and hide a lot anyway. But because I am 'more than one person', with a very strong awareness of child states, I don't always know which state I'm operating from and don't always know where I'm reacting from. Aaarghh :banghead:


Child states can't be accommodated in romantic relationships - and I only had an intuitive sense of that in the past when I went into relationships. I always somehow knew that a lot of not feeling loved had to do with being in a child state, and that the 'children' in me could not be loved by a lover in a romantic relationship. But when I felt that it was 'not enough' I wasn't always sure whether it was the adult or a child feeling that.

Does this make it clearer?

 

[Rumors]

Pencil you said that all of your relationships left you for someone else. I am wondering if they did so bc perhaps in an unknowing manner you questioned the integrity of the relationship enough that your partner then did to? Almost like a self fulfilling prophecy as best I can describe. Or, if you say it enough it will eventually happen.

The only reason I bring this up is bc I can relate as it is something I am guilty of in relationships. Mine starts with, "why would he want to be with me?" then progresses into "he wants to leave me." So far, for some reason, he hasn't. Lol!

In any case, this thread has been interesting reading!

 

[Pencil]

Mine starts with, "why would he want to be with me?" then progresses into "he wants to leave me." So far, for some reason, he hasn't.

I hear what you're saying, Rumors, but as you say, he hasn't. And there's the difference ... ;)

 

['91 Girl]

I think I do the same thing. I assume others are tired of me, and I stop initiating contact with them. Obviously, my coldness then runs them off, and confirms my personal belief about myself. It's definitely a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[Pencil]

Do you think it has any connection with attachment issues?

 

[Rumors]

Pencil, he hasn't bc we have a child and he has always maintained that he NEVER wants his son to grow up in a broken home. So, with that in mind, I turn it into he stays bc of our son he stays not bc of me then I realize I have a twisted perception of my worthiness in a relationship. Which brings me to say that perhaps I married the one guy who won't give up on his family? I don't know. It isn't all roses here bc I don't think he has ever had a healthy relationship, but somehow we just keep trudging along. He loves his son!

 

[Pencil]

I think for me it has more to do with what I described above, i.e. attachment without content / sharing / interaction on any meaningful level / and with that, disorganised attachment patterns. What a mess. But this point I am more interested in fully understanding how it works so that I will be more careful to avoid attachment in future. I made my life a misery by attaching to T1. It took 8 months to work my way through T1 - T4, and absolutely nothing was resolved. :banghead:

Hope I've learned my lesson :D

 

[Rumors]

But I guess my question is, do you attach without meaning, content, sharing, and interaction bc of some pre-destined thought that everyone will eventually leave? If so, and you ENTER every relationship with that idea, you have essentially doomed it before it starts bc unwittingly you will sabotage your partner at every turn bc you will have engrained in your mind they won't stay so why bother! Yes? In essence, as your thoughts sabotage your actions, you drive a wedge/build a wall between the one person who just wants to be with you given that your choice of partner is healthy of course.

Can you ever get to a point where you are able to see things from your partners perspective? If so, perhaps you might be able to stop sabotaging your relationships and instead make them stronger????

I don't believe that ALL people are completely self absorbed. I do, however, believe people have needs and they see things from their own point of view. I think successful relationships are ones where each person can, at least for a moment, see things in a different way and find compromise AND SECURITY. It takes a lot of trust, courage, and security to be able to step away and reside in the thought that their partner can express distance or even dislike in a relationship but not go anywhere. It is like being naked in NYC for those of us who can't even trust ourselves! I think it is all about boundaries more than attachment IMHO. What you are suggesting, Pencil, is no attachment so that leads to just keeping your boundaries clear.

I dunno. I am still trying to figure all of this out myself.

 

[raven123]

I've never understood attachment theory. I know I don't attach to anyone or haven't ever attached to anyone. Which do you have? What is it exactly? I've looked at all the disorders of it and I see myself here and there but not one of the other. I wish you all luck in figuring out what you've missed.

I want to add the question, can you ever get to a point where you cam see things from your therapists perspective as well as your partner? I DON'T do that very well and I envision my T beating their head against the wall when I leave. At some point in time, I am simply going to have to trust someone to help me get through some of the crap in my mind. If that person is my T, is that attachment? In my mind it is just an appropriate place to garner advice that I value and trust.

See, I dunno again. Still working on figuring it out!!

 

[Pencil]

do you attach without meaning, content, sharing, and interaction bc of some pre-destined thought that everyone will eventually leave?

Hi Rumors
I don't think it is fear that determines what I do. I think it is rather what is more comfortable or 'natural', or following the path of least resistance. In that sense I think it is more about what I am than about what I think or feel.

And I think I unconsciously choose people who are not really available, or not really interested in long term relationships anyway.

Looking back at my life, I realize that even though I didn't particularly appreciate being left, there is not a single person I was ever in a relationship with that I would still want to be with today. It is also a fact that I enjoy being on my own, so I am not in a state about being single. But I DO wish I was less neurotic about attachment, and less conscious of it. In an earlier post I mentioned a friend of mine who said she was never aware of the concept or the term, and yet thought the notion was self evident. To her, attachment in relationships is life water is to a fish. I therefore also realise that it is only when I 'get over' the whole attachment thing, that it will become possible. I guess it is like riding a bike, in the sense that when one is too conscious of what goes into staying on a bike, you are less likely to stay on. And besides, the point of riding a bike is not riding the bike, but getting from A to B. And so I get back to the point that that attachment happens while you're doing other worthwhile things. But then again, I am beginning to realize that I do worthwhile things more the less attached I am :D

 

[Pencil]

Which do you have? What is it exactly?

Disorganised. Very disorganised :D

Predictably, I get involved with people who have attachment problems as well, and the result is a circus! I've read that attachment problems are indicative of BPD. 'Unfortunately', I somehow lack the desire to fight that is generally seen in BPD. I tend to shut down - and drive the fighter types insane.

 

[Pencil]

He loves his son!

Which is a big thing, especially around here!